I am sorry, I abandoned my blog for months.

I havent been on here in forever, and that makes me sad. I hate that i have been so busy with school and my new job and getting ready for two weeks vacation, my laptop is broken and well yeah everything has just been building up and well as soon as winter break starts, there are a few things that i hand wrote that i cannot wait to have expressed on here. This is my blog and i have been a terrible blogger. I need to start getting back to blogging almost every day. So much has happened and i feel like its all just built up inside me and i need to get it all out on here.

But anyway, this blog used to be sad and depressing and expressing every emotion that i felt and i am still going to do that but my tone is going to be a little different, more of a postive outlook I guess you could say. I am changing every single day and I cant wait to let the world see that I am growing up and everything is going to be okay in the end. I can survive and I will. I will live my life and I will be stronger than ever before in every single situation I have to handle. And when everyone would understand if i just broke down and cried, gave up just once, I wont, i will keep going, I will go on stronger than anyone else. I will be the best me that I can be and no one, i mean no one will ever make that stop. I am nikki and I am the best damn me that i can be.

No one can hurt me anymore because I now know what I stand for and who I am, so now no one can take that from me. I will lead myself into greatness. I will be something greater than anyone ever thought I could be.

This is the start of a new beginning. This is the start of something new. This is my view from brand new eyes.


I think that every week, I am going to post at least two writtings that come from my experience in the week, my feelings, my life and than at least one post with a question/random topic as the title and my answer as the blog. I will pick a random question/topic, either from the news, or something I feel strongly about, pretty much anything. I am trying to write in different forms and just continue to get better in my writing. I have a year and a half left of high school and I want English or Writing as my major. I have a new goal in life and well I wont but it all on this post, but get ready for something completely new.

Live, love, laugh.
Live your life your way and to the fullest.
Love yourself before you try to love someone else, but always have an open mind to others.
Laugh at yourself, Laugh at things you find funny, Just laugh, its healthy.

I dont think you understand i would still do almost anything for you.

Sometimes i honestly believe it would be easier just to end it all cause im sick of all the lies.

It would be so much easier just to kill myself.

You are so ridiculously good for me.

My birthday, in four hours...

Hopefully I'll go to sleep and not wake up to another day in this bullshit life of mine.
Maybe tomorrow if I'm still alive, I'll head to the bridge, I'll stand there on the edge and jump, end it all because quiet frankly that sounds beautiful to me. Death. Please come to me. My wish on my candles isn't coming true fast enough. I don't want t live another day in this hell I call a life. I honestly believe it's time to end it all.


I don't want to continue breathing any more.


Maybe my birthday is the perfect day to end my life too, it's the perfect death date.


Goodbye, hopefully. Hopefully it's all over tomorrow.

A million feelings, a thousand thoughts, hundreds of memories, all for one person.

I have felt a million feelsing for just one person, we have had our up and more than enough downs, we fight, tell each other that we have extreme hate for the other and tell them we hope they burn in hell, where they belong but it is all said compltely out of anger. we soon find common ground and our friendship is repaired. The feelings I have for this one person range from a thousand types of love to the deepest form of hate. They can make me cry at one point in time then moments later have me giggling up a storm. They know exactly what to say to kill my self esteem and make me weaker then ever before but they also know what to say to build my self esteem up and make me stronger then I was before. We have been through so much in just six short months (a little bit more now...) I never would have thought that I would be sitting here in my room writing this after all has been said and done.
  I said in a past post that I was going to always write the truth, so once agian here is to the truth...
   My mind in still consumed by the thoughts of you but they linger in the back of my mind, they are stored away, sometimes they jolt to the front out of storage. My thoughts of you used to consist of being with you, spending our lives together abd how much i wanted to spend ever second I could with you. Now, my thoughts of you are how much you piss me off to the extent where i just want to hit you until I physically can't anymore, and I am a crying mess. To how I just want my best friend back, the girl that I could go to for everything and anything. My thoughts about you could eat me alive, when they come up front. I have so many thoughts about you that lead me into memories, oh the memories, the ones filled with laughter and the ones that are filled with tears are the most vivid.
  Memories, they fade away but the ones that you remember never change, like the people in them do, like the relation you had with the people in them do. You store these memories away to look back on another day. My memories with her involve tears, hitting, kissing, laughing and so much more. There are times when I look back, I remember both good and bad times, I think of the times where we laughed, our first encounter, walmart, the first night I slept at your house, our first kiss, the first time you came to my house, the first time at the beach, you bit me. (I still have teeth marks thank you for that.) I also remember every tear that fell from my eyes and the ones I wiped away from your eyes. I remember the fights, that had us heated for no reason at all. We honestly fought over nothing. Every word you said to me in those fights, sometimes they play on my head, clear as the day you said them. I know what I said to you in those lovely fights of ours, I know that I should have just shut my mouth but as you know I am just as stubborn as you.
  I remember the week or so before fort myers, oh that was probably our best days, we had finally got it right, we hadnt fought, we didnt even argue, we just laughed, played uno, loved, we cuddled, and watched movies and everything was just this perfect illusion. The day before my departure you left my side with thoughts that I was going to cheat, which left me with thoughts that you were going to be unfaithful. I remember walking you to the bus stop and crying, getting home and crying... i cried a lot the day we said goodbye... I felt that this next week or so was going to be the death of us and that we had just said our last goodbye, but I wanted so badly for it to not be our last goodbye. The space was the death of us. I talked to Paige about everything, I remember sitting in fort myers, crying once again for about an hour before I ended it with you, It was hard for me to do even if it didnt seem that way. I remember it all... And even though I thought that was the end of our fighting and our good times, I soon learned that it wasnt that easy to get rid of someone you honestly fell in love with, I still answered your calls and txts, I still was subjected to every negative thing you said about me, I still hurt when you got a new girlfriend, I still hurt when you hooked up with another girl when i was with audrey, I still wanted to just find you and slap you and then kiss you because that was we had always done, then the fights got worse and I swore that I was never going to let you hurt me but still every word you said about me killed me from the inside out, you had me cutting again, I was so weak to the words that you spit out of your mouth so easily. Now we are better and all I want is to just have my best friend back, I dont want anything but a friendship because thats how we work best as friends, plus i have an amazing girlfriend and I cant wait to spend my life with her because she is pretty damn close to perfection. But I will always have ten million emotions and thoughts and memories with just one person. I love you even if its not the same as it used to be.

-Enemy of my Soul

Getting sicker with every passing moment... I feel the hospital is in my future... My immune system is shit.

Dear Taylor,

I want to write you a letter and make you laugh awkwardly in class when everything is silent, so you can just get stared at... but you heard me on the phone, I am so sick and so very tired and i barely have enough energy to be writing this but i couldnt have you sitting in class and open up my blog and nothing be there at all... just what you have already read... So, just to inform you, It was nice talking to you and having a conversation with you that didnt involve us screaming at each other or hanging up. I hope that you actually go to White Berry with me one day and sit there and kick my ass at uno because i am such a loser at that game, I have no chance at beating you.
Anyway, have a good day at school... and your job training thing... lol
Omg, when i got off the phone with you I almost tripped and landed on my face but I didnt. K im going to bed now.

Talk to you later, you lurker. you troll me so hardcore.

No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plently of sleep.

Yesterday, 09.17.11 and this morning, Tj (my gay best friend, we had a moment of he thought he was straight but its okay hes better.) and I had a party to celebrate our birthdays, his was the 13 and mine is the 27th but we wanted to have a party together, so we planned and planned and thought things out. Well, Last night and early this morning was not what we had planned to happen. The events leading up to this point, this point of me writing this blog post, they are events that I will never forget. Last night was probably the most fun I have had in forever. The events of this weekend are times i'll look back on and be completely cheesin. Here is what I want to remember... I'll start from Friday.
  Friday, I went to pick up Beth and Brittney with Tj. But we had to make a pit stop at the store, so we could get alcohol and cigarettes. We bought like 30 dollars worth of alcohol. :) Then we got Beth and found Brittney on the side of the road. We got back home and shoved all the drinks into peoples bags, this was quite interesting, we walked in, thank god my mom was in her room. We went to my room and hid the bottles and cans under my bed, left them there and didnt mention them again until it was time to put them in the cooler on Saturday. Taylor came over shortly after we got home to see Brittney, but Brittney, Tj and Beth had smoked so Brittney was acting like a fool. I am not allowed to smoke, so i couldn't but I planned on quiting considering the last time i smoked real weed, I took my dear friend Mr. Razor and sliced till I couldn't feel my arm. But anyway, Tj and Taylor left. We all went to bed, lalalalallala none important junk. Morning time, Brittney and I planned to make breakfast for Beth and Taylor, that didnt turn out well at all. But then TJ came over and ladada, then Paige and Sammi and the other Samie arrived and we had dance offs and huge grinding messes, it was freaking dance central in my living room, then Sabrina and Oliver showed up, dancing, singing, talking, smoking, laughing and so much more was happening and then Molly finally arrived, I was so excited because I haven't hung out with her in forever. But anyway we danced and sang and had fun, then cooked pizza and chicken and I made myself some chicken salad. By this time I had a smirnoff and a beer... maybe two smirnoffs, Im not entirely sure but anyway we ate and talked blah blah blah. Than, Tj was like PALM TREES FOR THE FIRE!!!, so we went and collected a bunch of palm trees because this bonfire was not planned out very well and we were on a tight budget. But we got back and Tj and I were like cake time, so everyone sang happy birthday once, then my mom got home and wanted to see it, so they sang it again, then I cut the cake and everyone ate it nomnomnom. After the cake Molly wanted to give me my present but to do that she had to make her speech that she prepared. So everyone gathered in the living room and Molly and I stood across from each other, and she spoke the sweetest words to me that have ever been said to me and at the end she got down on one knee with a ring box and proposed to me, Of course I said yes, even though my beautiful girlfriend was sitting right behind me, we all new that it was a inside thing with Molly and I. So after she made me cry with all of this, Tj and I found that it was time for our four lokos, we had a lot of drinks, so I split mine with Beth and he split his with Molly. We drank outback around the bonfire, that Oliver was containing because Tj and I are piros and not allowed to mess with the campfire. But as the night continued on and the drinks slithered down my thoart, my girlfriends tongue found its way there too. This continued on for quite some time and when we came up for air, I learned that Tj and Oliver were flirting and being cute. So we figured we didnt miss much and continued on our adventure in learning each others antomy. Later on we took a breathe, Oliver was gone as were a couple other people, Niki had arrived and we looked around some more and Paige was kissing molly then Tj went and kissed everyone, then I had to go get another drink and Tj kissed Beth, and I ended up kissing Tj and Brittney and Taylor were going at it, then Samie and Paige locked lips. It was ridiculous. Next thing I know Tj and Molly are on the side of the house making out hardcore for at least an hour but I'm not entirely sure because my lips and hands were busy with Beth. But then I got interupted by Molly, who just wanted to inform me that she is having a blast. I then was like we are engaged and its soon to be my birthday, if its alright with my girlfriend I would like a kiss from my future wife. Beth allowed it and Molly's tongue found mine... this well it was only for like 30 seconds and it was definetly weird but not as weird as I thought it would have been. But the night continued and I drank my last drink and made out with Beth for like 45 minutes straight and missed out on a whole bunch of stuff because Beth and I were in our own little world, we fell out of the chair and didnt notice and then got back in the chair, I picked her up and she straddled me all the way to my bed. Let your imagination take it from there. But we soon arrived outback in our chair in another position that I really couldn't explain to you in words, you had to be there to understand that the way we moved was not completely normal, we became very flexible. the night continued and through out it I fell and stubbled, I beat up Tj after he almost caught my girlfriend and my future wife on fire with a stick that he caught on fire, he was swinging it around like it was nothing. But we worked past that and had a wonderful make up hug. But there was rough water when he was making out with Molly and yelling I might be straight and BLAH BLAH BLAH, I was like Tj we only work when you are gay and I am a lesbian, I am holding up my end of the bargin, you need to hold yourself to yours. He continued to make out with molly.... I just ignored it and continued you making my girlfriend happy. Then it came time to head inside and watch a movie, Beth sat on top of me and the next I remember was her pulling at my shirt and whispering, lets go to your bed, I listened to that request and was soon followed by the crew, dang those people. But then we all were laying down comfortably and the lights were off and hand were wondering, then Bam Tj right on time for the third time, flashes a damn light and is like who is in here and Beth pulls my hand away from her delicate body. Then I need a cigarette because this was just fusterating. So everyone follows me and we sit outside forever... making another fire and paige yelling WE ARE MAN and then finding the bear condom which was really just a bag that had two pickles in it. After some more giggles and cigarettes and trying to find my black that Samie and Paige had misplaced, We all called it time for bed, I passed out with my girlfriend in my arms, then I apparently started singing with the music when Paige and Samie were and it confused the hell out of them. Then we woke up in the morning, found the black and outback we went again to recap the night... Soon after some more laughter the group slowly left and the fun loudness died down, after Paige left and Taylor arrived again, it was time to take Brittney and Beth back home, so far away. But it had to be done, So I drove them all the way home, that long car ride that I have done every weekend for the past month. Im getting so used to it, I know it by heart each turn, each curve in the road, every light name and every stop sign, I know her house and that drive way the one where i drop her off at and have to say good bye til next weekend but i dont get to see her this weekend, I have to wait til after my birthday, I have to wait two weeks, I have to wait to kiss her again and hold her close to me but its worth it, she is worth it, she is worth everything and I cant wait til we get to live together in our nice cozy loft in Philly, her going to Drexel and me going to Penn or Drexel, studing together then graduating and starting our own practices, and getting married, that is in there, that is part of the plan, she is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, she means more to me then anyone in the past few months has, she is replacing my thoughts of terrible ex-girlfriends with new ones filled with beautiful happy joyful images. She makes me so happy, just her being around makes me happy, knowing that she is close, her txting me, everything she does just makes me happy. <3 Ah, I am so crazy about this girl, she just makes me adjlkshjafhuetsbgbsd.
Anyway this was my magnificent weekend that I will never forget. Ah I forgot Friday night, I kissed Beth for the first time, I did it on this bridge thing, sounds romantic and what not but it was in the middle of a parking lot, I mean i did it unexpectedly and I dont know it was just cute, cause she didnt want to stop. Ah, hmm ahhh, shes so cute, I love how cute we are. <3

-Enemy Of My Soul.

In The End, You Have To Own Your Actions.

In the game of life, you have to pick and choose your battles, you have to know which ones are worth the pain that comes with war and which ones that will only cause you pain and that's all you will ever get. In life you have the responsibility to own your own actions and the words that flow from your mouth, you can choose you lie and cheat and pick fights that won't get you anywhere but eventually you will have to own up to those words that you said or the punches that you almost threw or that you did throw. At the time, the words that are constantly throwing out into the world may seem like the perfect thing to say but once you realize what is really happening, once you take a step back and view the situation from a bystanders point of view and the point of view of the recieveing end then you can have a cleat outlook on what is really going on, if you still see a reason, a point, a vaild point to continue to fight, then that fight is worth fighting but if all you see is words being thrown around and people stressing and arguing over absoulely nothing, then own your actions and take the heat for them, apologize because you know that you had a part in helping the fire keep its flame and mean the apology; just don't do it because you feel that will solve all of the problem. It won't, it is just a start on owning up to what you said and did. You have to be frogiven still and learn from your mistakes. If you apologize and continue doing the same thing, then the apology meant nothing.
There are far more important things in life then arguing over absolutely nothing, to a person that you really dont know. You have to understand that in life, there is going to be people that make you want to hit them clear across the face but you have to look past that and see what they really are, just because a person doesn't make a good first impression, doesnt mean that they are good at heart and with their intentions. Sometimes, we judge people a little to harshly on the way we saw them the first time or how we think that they act, you shouldnt ever judge anyone because you will never know their full story and what they have been through, the emotions that they have felt. This generation is way to quick to judge. We weren't taught the extent of judging a book by its cover, we had to learn the consquinces for ourself and some people haven't gotten that chance yet. We are fighting our own generation on things that we should be standing together on. Gays and lesbians are calling eachother fags, cock suckers, dykes and so much more and honestly gays don't need to be fighting each other because every day we fight the same battle of getting our rights equal to straight peoples'. If the community and government sees us fighting each other, we are never going to be fully respected and equal to straight people if we keep this up, we look ridiculous. We will never be taken seriously. And then there are rape victims arguing that their story is more important, both stories are equally important and maybe if you would stop fighting, you could talk to each other and the pain could start to go away because you won't be alone. Then, we have girls that are pregnant getting looked down on and a bunch of crap from girls who aren't pregnant but if we think about it, it could happen to us just as easily. These girls are going to be mothers, they are going to be taking care of two people instead of just one, they are going to need help and support but no we just tell them that they are sluts and whore and are going to be terrible mothers. That is the worse thing in the entire world, these young mothers need to feel like they have support and being told that they are going to be a terrible mother is not going to make the decsion of keeping their beautiful child any easier.
There is so much wrong in this world with my generation, I am taking responsibility right now and saying that I have not been the perfect person, I have said things to people that I shouldn't have, I have tried to hurt someone because I was pissed at them, I tried to make things for certain people harder than life already was. I see that my actions were wrong and I am sincerly sorry that I did not make the smartest chooses in the past month or so. I wish that I could take back some of the things that I said but I know that I can't. I know that all I can do is apologize, learn from my mistakes and make sure to not repeat lessons that I have already learned and I have to pray that one day the people that I have done wrong can forgive me. I know that I don't deserve forgiveness but I will pray that they can look past it one day because holding grudges and holding on to the past like that can be harmful to ones mental and emotionally stability. Life is tough but we have to be tougher and work together because that will make life that much eaiser.

"You can't live in the past because it is already forgotten.
You shouldn't live in the future because tomorrow is granteed.
You must live in the present because it's not going to pause or stop for you, it will continue on.
And you have to believe in love and forgiveness because it could be just what saves your life. "

                                                                    -Enemy of my soul.

-Enemy Of My Soul.

This will be the last one about you. This is a promise.

Dont let people get to you. They can't pull the trigger if you don't hand them the gun. -me.

You have gotten to be long enough, your words have taunted me for way to long. I have to completly destroy you from my life, forget the first time that I saw you to the last time that I saw you. I have to destroy every happy feeling you allowed me to feel as you slowly took control of my life. You controlled me for to long. You only allowed me to feel happy when it was something about us. If I was going out or to see friends, I felt like shit, I know that it didnt stop me from doing what I wanted to but my pleading that I didnt want you talking to your ex obviously meant nothing considering you slept with her at least three times that I can recall. I was just a player in your silly games. And you were just a pawn in my game.
The truth is at first I was using you, I didn't want to be with you completely, I wasn't thrilled about holding your hand or kissing you in public. You were an experiment that I fell in love with, I won't lie, I fell in love with you but I fell just as fast out of it as in. You thought I was cheating and lying to you, I know that I wasn't always 110% honest with you but I never once lied majorly to you. I never once lied to hurt you without you knowing it was a lie, because we got into some nasty fights and I lied to make it seem like while you were out slumming it up with her, I was out doing the same just with random girls. We both hurt each other, you just take it to far a lot of the time, you tired to control every aspect of my life from who's number I have in my phone to who I talk to at school. You got upset with me when I became friends with anyone new. You read my txt message and my facebook. You were constantly showing up randomly, I loved seeing you then but looking back now, you were trying to make sure that I knew that I couldn't do anything unfaithful because you could show up at any time. You made damn sure that I was under your control. You intimdated me, you used my personal health against me, you broke my self esteem. You think that I don't know how you felt when I broke up with you for FMB girl, well I know a worse feeling, finding out you were cheated on a lot in a relationship that you thought was pretty solid, that you are worthless to the person you love and says that they love you too. I know the feeling of not mattering enough to you, that I was never enough, that I couldn't be someone you wanted. I always felt that I had to be someone that you would like and not myself. I felt worse then being broken up with, at least I had enough respect for you to end it before cheating, because I knew that if I could want to just hook up with some one, I didnt deserve the person I thought I knew. But I guess that it wouldn't have mattered because you never cared about being with me in the first place. I swear you just didnt want to be alone and you weren't sure that you were going to be back with your ex any time soon.
I know that we fought and had bad times but I believe that something was there when you werent trying to be in contol, when you knew that I was already under you. The week or so before FMB, I think that it was something true, something that could have been a lot but just because for the moment it felt right, never makes it right. Or when I was sick and you still came over, we have some good memories, but that is all they are and will ever be memories just fading away.
You meant the world to me once but it was just an elusion of what I wanted. We both promised each other things that we knew would never happen. Things didn't work out, 99% of relationships in your lifetime won't work out. We didn't last but it moved us into the correct directions.
We both need to move on and just leave the other alone because if we are both finally happy after the struggles in our relationship and what not, we both deserve to be happy and alive. I am glad that you have someone that you want to be with and they make you happy, I know that the waters are rough right now and I would rather just forgive and forget it all, just erase you from my life. and you if you are reading this which you probably are... I dont know why but you should do the same, erase me and my friends that bother you, you dont need the stress and the drama, you have a lot more to worry about. I also dont have to time bash you all the time or once in a blue moon. I don't have time for you. I don't need you nor do I want you and your girlfriend in my life.

-Enemy Of My Soul.

Random Thoughts thru-out my day. Words to live by.

• You may have created my past, changed my present, but you will have no control over my future.
• You only have one life, so don’t spend it focusing on what others want to see, focus on what you want to be.
• Smile and let everyone know that you’re a lot stronger today than you were yesterday.
• You can't give up because the beggining is always the hardest, and the end will be such a reward.
• People keep telling me I've changed, I haven't changed, I've just stopped pretending all the time.
• You have to live for the moment not the memory you think it will bring you.
• This is MY life, These are MY choices, MY mistakes are MY mistakes to make and live with, It's all MINE, and It's not your or anyone elses damn business.
• It’s not what happens to you that matters most. It’s how you feel about what happens to you.
• Smile. A language even babies understand. It cost nothing but it creates much. It happens in a flash but the memory of it may last forever. 
• I don't give a damn, what you think, I am doing this for me. So fuck the world.
• There are 6.97 billion people in the world. Why let one ruin your life?
• What is more important; what we became or how we got there?
• Open your mind before your mouth.

Just some random stuff through out the past few days.

I am worthless. It's always my fault... I can't do anything right. You win. You have broken me. Just leave me alone now.

Speak The Truth, Even If Your Voice Shakes.

The Truth, That is such a difficult subject for many people including me. Some times you feel that a lie is easier then telling the truth or that the truth will be to hard for the person, the world to hear but in the long run, lies complicate everything, you have to remember every detail of the lie, you can't slip up. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said.
So here we go, the truth, The truth is that I get these random burst of happiness but in reality that is all they are, they are not a sign of recovery. I am still going to cry myself to sleep every night. I am still going to take every word that every single person has said to me and analyze it for days, let it tear me apart, it's just part of me, its who I am. I have shrived to be perfect  for my brother and my mother for so long that I feel that I have to be perfect for everyone and considering I can't do that, I always feel like I have failed in some way, shape or form. There is never a day where I don't feel like shit because I didn't do something correctly or I didn't help as many people as I could. I have the hardest time being happy and just letting the good in the day take over, I have to always do everything I can in a day, and most of the time, I don't have enough time to do everything that I should have done. So some nights, I don't sleep because that gives me all 24 hours of the day and still I don't complete everything I wish I could have.

Next Truth, I am addicted to cutting. It is getting worse not better... I may not do it as often any more but when I do take out the little blade for play time, I go at it with no intention of stopping but something in my mind always whispers to stop before its to late and I dont have the chance to prove everyone wrong. I would love to take y own life, self assistant but if I do that, it solves my problems but it cause hell for the people on earth that care about me, there may not be many but the ones that do would blame themselves, they would sit for hours and wonder what they could have done differently, why they didnt see me screaming out for help silently. If I take my own life, it causes problems for to many people and that would make my death, not what I want, I want my life ending to solve all of the problems that it can, and taking my own life would be selfish and it wouldnt help a damn person but myself, So even though I would like to slit my throat, throw myself of a bridge or a building, take as many pills as I can buy, I can't. I have to suffer through the hell that is my life and make myself look happy because even though I feel like shit and that death would be great, it would cause an imbalance in the universe and I wouldnt be helping a single soul besides maybe Taylor, because she would rather me take my last breathe really soon, her life would be ten million times better with out me breathing the same air as her, she wishes that I was dead, and if my death wouldnt upset things, she would get her wish, she still might. I havent decided yet. I have time obviously, I apparently have an entire life time.
Next Truth, I don't care if people have a problem with me because that means I am doing something right. I did something that pissed off someone else, and that means I am doing it right. It means I am living for me (slightly). It means that I have made a wave in the calm waters and you wont get any where in life just by floating on a calm sea, some times you have to make a wave to get somewhere.
There are so many truths that I could put on here but I will save them for another article because I am about to pass out. My Junior Year is going to be the death of me.

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

One breathe at a time.

This time last year, everything was so different. I had different friends and my future wasnt just around the corner. I know that I get into the moods that I want to kill myself before the time comes for me to grow up and be someone, but in reality the pressure of being prefect hits me and i dont want that at all. I dont want to be perfect because that puts so much stress on me and I know that being perfect or at least pretending you are close to it is a lot of responsibility and I can handle responsibility but that that is something else, that is way more than what it seems. I always seem to find myself in this position, sitting in my room, searching for an answer to a question that I can not answer. Will I end up happy, Is my life worth living?
It's what I worry about all the time. I mean I think about other stuff but these two questions never seem to leave my mind. If life isnt worth living then i will not be sticking around to suffer in misery.
Anyway back to the reason I am writing this. Everything in my life this time last year was so different, I was dealing with high school drama that literally made me want to take a knife and slit my throat. I wanted to move from from away, leave this stupid county. Now, my life is so simple, I have priorities, there are things that I need to get done every single day. I have to wake up, paint on a smile, go to high school, work hard in my all honors classes, then i leave half way through the day to go to college. Where I have to strive to do my absolute best all the time. I have no room to make mistakes. Then I go to my old middle school, participate in an internship. Next stop is home, where I sit in my room and do homework for hours at a time.Oh, and not to mention my two AP Online Classes. Next is work. I get home and complete what homework I have left to do. Now imagine trying to fit a social life filled with drama and "he said, she said" lies. I dont have time to even eat three meals a day, I barely have time for one, So I am always running on low energy, which i have no problem with i would prefer to not eat anyway, but then I begin to run on even lower fuel because I get about two and half hours of sleep every night, if that. Some nights its been none. I have been taking adderall every time I get to the point where i can't even keep my eyes open, I know that I have to because I have a lot on my plate. I need all 24 hours in the day to make sure I get everything I can done in the day. This was only the first week of school, the weekend came and I passed out, I loved the sleep but I guess I can only get it on the weekends. I have to live for five days on no sleep and barely any food, mostly water. This school year, my junior year is going to be the death of me, I swear. But at least I am constantly distracted from everything that has to do with finding a girlfriend, or thinking about any of my exes. I don't have time to think about anything but school and work. For one entire week I did not have a single thought about Audrey or any one else. There has only been two people on my mind, If I did get a moment to relax and take a breath, it was either Beth or Miranda. It was only for a moment but at least I still know that I can think of another human being while dying from work overload.
I have no idea how I am going to survive this year but I will do everything in my power to make sure that I get Straight A's and make as much money as I possible can. This year is not about my social life, that will always be there, my junior year will only happen once, I promise you that. I have to work my butt of to make sure that I do everything I can to make this the perfect academic year. I need to get into a good college, I need to break away from this county that makes me want to die. I need to get away. I need to focus on my way out and school is the answer.
I will not think about the events that will come after graduation, I will not be constantly reminded that that is what I intend to do, I will just work towards getting better and getting into Penn State University. I will attend there if its the last thing I do, I will get accepted. I have to. Its the only way out. Its my escape from this hell hole that I live in now.
I have goals, I have priorities, I have a reason to be alive, I have the want to survive. I have a lot more on my plate that means more to me then some stupid argument about who is going to ask Suzie to homecoming. I don't have the time to deal with the bullshit of friendships. I know who I want in my life, I know who is important to me, I will continue to talk to you and create memories, it just might not be as often as you would like. I know who I want in my life, I talk to those people, I let them know that I know they are alive, If I havent talked to people this past week, its because I dont plan on speaking to you at all this year, I dont need you and I dont need the drama that you bring to my plate. I have enough on it already. I hate to just cut ties like that but I dont have time to be friends with everyone, and i dont have time to pretend that I do. The people I am friends with now will be there at the end of the year, I am not worried about losing the people I care about the most this year because I have things under control with that.
Everything is in such a place where i have no room to make a mistake, one mistake and my world comes crashing down. I have a lot on my mind and I have a lot on my plate. School comes first, then work, then family then friends then food and sleep.
This year will be something different, this year will be a year that I remember, this year matters more then any of the past ones did.

Life may be tough but I guess I'll just have to be tougher. 

Wanting to be someone you're not... Is a waste of the person you are.

School starts Monday and to be honest, I dont want to go, I dont even want to wake up in the morning. I just wish that it was all over, that tomorrow never came, that I was buried 6 feet under never to see the light again. I dont want there to be any more tomorrows or the day after. I just want to take my last breathe. I dont want to be here any more.. I dont want to live in the fucked up cookie cutter world. I just want to be be done. I have lived enough. I have had sex, well with a girl, I have drank til I blacked out, I have smoked so much that I dont even remember starting. I have lived enough, I have fallen in love. I have lied and blacked mailed. I have a shitload of stuff including shot outs, and car chases. I have done a lot and I feel like I dont need to do anything more. The cigarettes arent killing me fast enough, so I figure i'll take my own life. I dont need to be here, there isnt anything i would like to do. I dont have a future. I mean everyone thinks that I want to be something but in reality I dont want to do anything, I am not good at anything and I have no want to go to college, I dont like school in fact it pains me to go there. I hate it. I hate the people. I hate the teachers. I hate the work. I hate that they teach you what they think you need to learn. I hate that they dont see a girl crying out for help. I hate that every single day, I get bullied, I get picked on. I am nothing at my school. I am jut some psycho girl that they can make fun off because I dont have fancy clothes or a cool car. I hate them, I just want them all to just disappear or end up in some freak accident so they can actually appreciate life unlike they do now. I dont want to go to this college program that I got accepted to, I only applied because my mom wanted me to go. I am only doing this for my mom, not for me, what good is a EMT certification going to do me if I kill myself on graduation day. It wont do anything for me. It will make her proud momentarily but she wont be to happy when she finds out the stress of being perfect and doing everything I can to please her with grades is exactly what is going to kill me. She thinks that cutting isnt normal, well its been my normal since I was 11. Its the only way i know how to feel better. Its the only thing I can actually control. Its my body and if I want to carve words and bars into my skin then i should be able to. Its my body its something I control. Just like I control myself puking up everything I eat when people arent around. The only time I dont puke up my  food is when i am on my period, I dont gain weight so my body gets to enjoy food for a week. But after that week is up food may go down but it comes back up in no time. I hate the way I look, I hate everything about it. I hate that I look like my mom. I hate that my father left me. I hate that my mom talks shit about my dad every chance she gets. He may not be here for me but at least he doesnt make me feel like im worthless unless i get good grades and go to an amazing college then get a job that will make me a ton of money. At least when i do talk to him, he ask about me, he wants to know how i am doing, he wants to know what is going on in my life. He wants to be part of my life, I just wont let him because if I do he might just leave again or go and get stabbed or shot and die on me and if i lost my dad. I wouldnt have any reason to live, I would cry myself into death. My dad means so much more to me than I let anyone know and to have to hear every single day about how much of a terrible low life he is from the woman who married him and then fucked him so i could be born, kills every part of me. It makes me never want to fall in love and get married because nothing works out because no one can truly love you forever, no marriage ever works out. Nothing about love and family is true. So why waste a lifetime trying to find something that when you can just cut it short and end it all. That seems so much better, no heart ache, no children in a messy divorce, no pain. Nothing, Just a cold body decaying in a lovely coffin that cost more then half the stuff i own, six feet under. There is comfort in that, knowing that I could finally be at peace from the battles I fight every single day. Death right now is what I wish for, every chance that I get, I wish that I could just be taken from this planet. I dont want to be here any more. I just want to stop cutting, and not eating for weeks, I want to stop crying, I want to stop breathing. I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate everything little thing about me. I hate how if I had the medication to kill myself, I would right now right after I hit that orange PUBLISH POST button, If i had the strength to slit my throat i would, I would take the largest knife that I can find in the kitchen and just put it to my neck and slice, but i probably wouldnt cut deep enough and i would end up just hospitalized and then people can joke about how i failed at suicide. If we had a gun, I would shot myself, put it to my temple and pull the trigger, its harder to get a gun in Florida then you would think, considering all this crazy shit goes down in Florida. I knew how to try a knot, I would hang myself but with my luck I wouldn't tie it right, I would almost be gone then it would untie and I would fall, probably hit my head and not die but end up paralyzed and once again a joke to the world.
If I could just be taken in my sleep, I would be forever in debt to God, If he would just take me from this hell im living I would be a better person where ever you go after death. I wish it was as easy as deciding you want to die and then it would just happen. As soon as I can I am going to go out on the streets, find a guy who looks like he would be packing some hardcore heavy drugs and I will buy as many pills as I can and take them, take them all at the same time, then sleep, sleep an endless sleep, a sleep where i wont wake up in the morning. How nice that sounds, It sounds like paradise. It sounds like exactly what I want right now. I sleep where I never wake up again. One day soon this dream of mine, this dream where I no longer wake up will be reality and I can finally just be in peace, no drama, no pain, no lies, no fake smile, no fake life. All I need is money and once i have that, its a done deal, my life will be over, no need to worry about anything.
The one thing I have to do is make sure Audrey knows that she means everything to me. She has to know that she helped me get better but me getting better i knew it would never last. The parties, the drinking, the drugs they would only keep my happy for so long, they could only distract me for a little. Audrey really did make me happy she really did and losing her isnt any of the reasons I want to end my life, I have wanted this for a long time now, she delayed it. She gave me time to live a great summer, a better one than i could have asked for but now its time for my life to come to an end because I cant do this anymore, I cant breathe any more because it hurts every breath I take of this polluted air hurts more and more. Every gulp of air that I consume to help me live, I wish i didnt. I wish that the world would just stop feeding me the things i need to live, I wish they could just cut of my air supply off. If only it were that simple.
I dont want to wake up in the morning, I dont want to pretend any more that everything is okay and that I am perfectly happy. I am tired of waking up throwing on a fake smile and pretending that i am happy. I just want to smother myself. I just want this to end. I give up on trying to be happy, I give up on everything. I give up on wanting to get better, because the only way to get better is for me to be dead. I dont want to get better, I just want to die. I am done surviving the world. I just want it all to end because life has become more of a chore then anything else.



I have no energy to carry on this way. No energy to have a conversation. No energy to see anyone. No energy to pretend. No energy to exist. No energy to care. No energy. No energy at all. I am just done. I am tired and i am worn out. I dont have the energy to push myself anymore.

People think depression is about being sad. That you just feel "down" all the time. It’s not. It’s like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It becomes you. It drains you of all your emotions, every single one, it even takes away sadness. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. Feeling worthless and alone, like no one can truly see you, like they are looking at you but they see right past you.You feel like you are disappearing to everyone. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s hopelessness, it's not being alive enough to believe there is hope. Imagine waking up and there being no color, everything is just plain black and white. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling completely alone at the same time. Being in a crowed room and feeling completely alone, like you dont know anyone at all. When you’re depressed, it’s not a bad mood. It’s a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave. You can never shake it, not even for a moment. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like there’s no hope left. You dont even want to wake up because you know that its just going to be a day filled with nothingness. You feel like you have nothing left. You feel like there is no point to the world any more. You feel like no one will ever understand, so you just keep quite and put a smile on, so no one questions you. And Depression is so lonely, there is no halfway houses or depressing anonymous meetings. We dont get help like everyone else, they have so many options and I just sit here wishing i could talk to someone about it. The only place we have is mental hospitals but unless you attempt and fail at suicide that evolves you in a hospital getting your stomach pumped or stitches or you have to be attached to an oxygen tank, you dont end up there. I wish i got that bad, actually I dont I wish that my attempt was successful. I'll be trying this soon when i get a little bit of cash because pills cost money.

I guess I am done with this post. I mean I am not sure of what else I want to say.

-Enemy Of My Soul.

Just a bit hung up on you.

I still have this feeling inside me. I'm never completely sure of what to do about it because sometimes it is quite intense. At times, it is all I can think about. Late at night or early in the morning, I find you running through my mind for such long periods of time. During the day, I'll zone out and you sit there in my mind reminding me of the times we shared. I continue to think about the days we spent together they were so wrong But they felt so right. My mind said to not get so close to not feel like I was melting when we kissed but I did, I let you in. Maybe I am tripping off of something and this, you, all of the memories are just an illusion. Somedays I envision you being mine again, like one day I will be able to be in your arms again. I start to think that all the amazing moments and the soft sweet kisses that made me melt, I start to want them back. I want you back. I want to go to the beach with you and watch the sunset. I want to play beer bong or just drink with you till we are sitting in a tent or on some random bench talking about what we want in life and our past and just random junk. I want to call you at one in the morning and tell you how much I miss you, I realize I could do this now but I want you to answer and say it back.
Ugh I have this feeling that months are going to pass and I'm still going to feel like this. Typing this now, thinking about it makes me feel as if I am going crazy. We didn't do anything. I barely know you. I have no true history with you. I shouldn't still be sitting here, pondering on what could have happened. I shouldnt be constantly thinking of you or relating things to you.
I went to drum circle tonight and I just saw you walking around where you had been you were around, I saw us standing on the beach, I saw us kiss. I saw us sitting on the towel watching the sunset, your arms wrapped around me, holding me tight, kissing my neck and whispering in my ear, saying how perfect I am, and that moment how perfect it was. I stood where we had sat and just felt your arms around my waste. I miss you like crazy. I hate this feeling, I hate feeling like I am crazy, insane... I hate feeling like I fell for a lie. That I built a fairytale in my head from the lies you produced from your beautiful head, they spoke from your Soft lips like they were true. I should have known that the thoughts of you and I together were just to good to be true.
You called me perfect and said that I was beautiful and you wanted us to work for a really long time, you said that we would never stop talking but look at us now. If I was so perfect, so beautiful and you truly wanted us to last for a long time, why did you cheat, what was so great about Taylor that makes you want to be with her and around her? What does she have that I don't? I mean I know I'm young, not much younger but the you in college, me in high school, makes things a bit complicated but we were complicated from the beginning.
I still think that you are amazing and wonderful. I still think good things about you but every now and then I think of how shitty you made me feel, but to be honest I just want to be okay with you again, I don't care about the bad shit, the good is a thousand times better then the bad. I still think of you as this great beautiful slightly insane amazing person.

I guess I am just hung up on you.


-enemy of my soul.

I've given my heart away before and it only caused me sorrow. How could I think of loving someone today or tomorrow.

Fairy Running Princess

There is so much that I could say in this post. There is so much I want to tell my best friend. The fact is I never did stop loving her, I feel out of being in love with her but honestly I never wanted us to end and now I can't fix what mistakes Ive made. She sits there and plays the part of my best friend but I want more then that but I know that it would never work and I dont want to try anything because I really couldn't deal to live without her. I will keep her a day dream away. I never want to hurt her again. I couldn't live with myself if I ever did. She means the world to me and I don't want her to cry or be sad. I only want her to be happy and I am not the key to her happiness she deserves so much better then what I can give her. She deserves the world more then the world. She deserves doors being held up, random presents, love letters, flowers, taken to movies and fancy restaurants. She deserves to be picked up over puddles so her shoes don't get wet, she deserves things to be paid for, she deserves someone who knows how truly amazing she is. Who notices how when she does something embarrassing she turns her head away from people and giggles just a bit. How when she puts her hair up it takes her two try's half the time, how her laugh is a bit goofy but oh so cute, how when she eats something she doesn't really like she won't tell anyone she will just pick around it and pull it apart so it looks eaten. How when she gets a complement before she denies that it's true she smiles and blushes cause she knows it's true. How when she is at the beach she almost always trips going down the stairs. They need to know that sometimes she does stupid things or doesn't always keep a secret but sh always means well and would never want to actually hurt someone. They would need to see how her taste in music changes weekly. How the song lyrics she post on Facebook have everything to do with how she's feeling and if she tells them to listen to a song they have to really listen because the words are most likely what she's to afraid to say.
Sometimes she is insecure about herself but in all honesty she really doesn't need to be because she is beautiful. Her eyes they shine. Her smile it brightens anyone's day. Everything about her is beautiful. There aren't even words to describe her beauty.
She does little things that will make you giggle, she says the stupidest things but they make her look so cute. Whenever she is around you cant stop laughing, you just get into a better mood.
I really could go on for hours, I honestly could. There is so much that I want to say, I just can't because I need to keep her just a daydream away.




-enemy of my soul

Dear Future Girlfriend,

On really nice summer nights i like to lay on my roof and stare up at the night sky. I like to just stare at the stars, sometimes i cant find any then i just pretend they are there. When i do see a star, the perfect star the one that makes me think of a future with you, I make a wish. It's always the same wish. . Its not for world peace or anything big and fancy like that, no no its just a simple wish. Would you come lay with me one night and make a wish with me?

And if you do join me, I can start to make other wishes. 

Love, Me. 

Don't worry, Just Breathe. If it's meant to be it will find it's way.

When I say I miss you, I actually mean...

I miss you as a whole but also I miss every little thing about you. 
I miss your smile, your eyes and the way they shine. I miss your voice and your laugh. I miss the way you look at me. I miss the way you would stare at me until I smiled. I miss the way you put your hair into a pony tail and then put your hat on then make sure your oakleys are placed safely on the hat. I miss the way you would look at my lips then lean in to kiss me, how our kisses were soft and sweet. I miss how you walk, how you drive. I miss how you would sing country songs then switch to rap when you realized I was listening to you. I miss the way you would txt me every day. I miss how you used to call me beautiful. I miss the way you would look at me when you didnt think i could see you. I miss how you would hug me from behind, your arms wrapped around my waist, and your lips kissing my neck or whispering something in my ear. I miss how you when you complained about something you would get this facial expression that really isnt explainable. I miss the way when you ate you had to get ranch just in case. I miss how you used to make me smile and laugh. I miss how you would tickle me to get information from me. I miss how when we sat on the beach you would sit behind me and wrap yourself around me. I miss how when you slept next to me you would kick me then hold my hand then turn… You dont remember it but I couldnt sleep and you kept doing it. I miss that. 
I miss how tall you are. I miss how you would stare at people who had a staring problem. I miss how when you would longboard you would always try to hold onto the back of a car or you would ride next to me and tell me to pull you along with me. I miss how you used to talk to me. 

When I say I miss you, I mean that I miss you and all the little things that make you a whole. Honestly I could write so many more things about you that I miss about you… but this this is making it hurt more to miss you so much. 

Junior Year Bucket List

1. Get good grades. 
2. Join at least 3 clubs.
3. Play at least 1 sport. 
4. Volunteer at the animal shelter. 
5. Volunteer at the library. 
6. Rent a beach house for spring break with a couple of friends and party!!!
   
   
   Um I will update this later, I can't seem to think of things I would like to do. 

I may look calm... But on the inside I am freaking out.

School starts in 23 days, I love school, I love to learn, I love to see my friends.
Its my junior year and every thing is suddenly so real. My future is right around the corner, This year my grades count majorly. This year I will look at colleges and take my SAT's. This year is all pressure and it's hit me.
I am not good at anything. I have no talent that I shine at, that people refer to when they talk about me. I am not going any where in my life. I have dreams but they are just that dreams. My imagination thinks I am better than what I truly am. I'm just an average, maybe a below average girl. There is nothing about me that sparkles and says that I am going any where.
I am terrified to go back to school. I have chosen to be duel enrolled in a college program that I am not ready for at all. This college program is making me sick to my stomach. What if i fail. What if Im not good enough and cant keep my grades up? I am scared. I just want to hid in the shadows, I want to run away from it all. If I fail, I will disappoint my entire family, I will just prove to them that i really am not as smart as i seem. that I am not everything they think I am.
My brother made a deal with me, that if I get a job then I get a car, he pays for it, I just have to pay insurance and gas... most people would be thrilled and looking for a job, getting one and getting their new car... I am not thrilled. I am apprehensive to this. what if I get a job then I suck at it, i am not good with people. I dont think I could handle taking orders then bringing back the food that is so repulsive, not happening.
Everyone asks why i dont get a job at publix or sweet bay or a restaurant... I hate food, I hate looking at it, smelling it, eating it, throwing it up, playing with it, I hate it. I dont want to work with something I hate. I hate it though because I am scared of it. Scared that if I let food in it will never go away, I will eat myself into a nine hundred pound freak. I can not work with any sort of food.. If I do I might end up killing myself. I would hate to go to work, I would get home and run miles because even just being around food makes me feel like im gaining weight.
Ugh, I hate myself. I know that I look calm, cool, and collected, like I have my shit together. I say I know what I want to do with my life, the college of my dreams has been chosen, where i want to live, how many kids i will be having, I even have their names. But thats all just a big lie. I have no idea what I want to be in life, I not sure that college is for me, I tell people I want to be close to family but in reality I want to be oceans away from the family that has made me feel like i have to be perfect and live up to my older brothers expectations, I dont want kids because I think that I will be a terrible parent and they will end up just like me, I wouldnt want anyone to end up like me. I wrote this picture perfect story of my future in my head and I let my family see it and adults that ask me about what i want in life. I made up this world where I am perfect to my family, I let them see this imaginary girl, I let them take her in and make her look real. I let everyone see that i am stable and that i am not afraid of anything, I can handle it all. I push myself until I feel that I might break and even then I still push to be perfect. I know that I will never truly be perfect because once high school is done and my fantasy world that i put up for everyone to look at and say wow, you really have it all planned out and Im so proud you know what you want and stupid comments like that, It will shatter. When it shatters, I plan to be around for no longer then a few moments. If anyone really saw what i wanted then they would be spending more time with me and working so hard to keep me alive, because the day I graduate is the last full day I will ever know. Its been my plan for some time now. I want my mom to be able to say that her daughter was smart and beautiful. I want to pass at least three of my brothers in school. But my plan since I was in 8th grade is the day after graduation, off myself, there really isnt anything I want to do. I am not going any where in life any way. I just need to finish high school for my mom. But then I have to live for me and I dont want to live. I dont even see why I was born, Im not good at anything, so I dont understand. But right now I am terrified for the last two years of my life. I am scared that I will fail and let my mom down and if that happens, I will not wait for graduation. I will be gone the day i screw up.

The stress of being perfect is ripping me apart inside. I am suffocating. I am slowly dying a little more and more each day.
That pretty smile that you always see, its just a prop that hides me.


-enemy of my soul.

I dont know where we stand. Sometimes I feel like we're friends. Sometimes I feel like we're more than friends but sometimes, I feel like a stranger to you.

Not risking, not falling.

I sit here and tell myself not to think of her, yet, I still do and I sit here wondering if she ever thinks of me too.


I know that people make mistakes, We are only human.
I also know that I will always be the first one to forgive.
But I will never forget what you did. My trust will never be fully repaired.
I choose to always see the good in people. This gets me into trouble all the time.
I get used and walked all over but I will sit there and say that I am sorry and that all is forgiven.
Right now in this moment I am so confused on how I am not reeling into an uproar and throwing shit against a wall.
When people get dumped after there significant other "hooked up" with someone more attractive, closer and probably all around better then you, they are out raged. But Me, No I am not. I am content with knowing that she found someone else that has something that is better then me. I know this sounds a bit ridiculous, but if someone finds someone else that gives them something you cant, be happy that person found them because they never really would have had it all in your relationship. This may sound completely absurd but please take a second and think about it. You may not like the fact that you lost someone who you thought was perfect for you but it is just one less person to finding your soul mate. But anyway this is not what this rant is about. Its about that fact that I can NOT get Audrey off my mind.

Its almost like I am constantly thinking of things Audrey would say or do in a situation. When I want to get something off my mind I write about it... Writing about Audrey only made me miss her more, I burned the pencil and paper i wrote on and with. If writing doesn't help i smoke, smoking makes me think about one thing and that is PARTY or well how to get even more fucked up, no one is on my mind... but there was Audrey sitting on my shoulder whispering words she use to say. So when writing and smoking are crossed off the list, I turn to alcohol, when I am drunk I am thinking about anything but my drama and my stress. I am carefree and as free as a bird, my thoughts don't get to me... But there was Audrey, her face was all i could see in everyone, I swore I heard her voice when people talked. I could not shake thinking about her, she was every where. I finally decided that I should just be high and listen to music, my escape from life, I could lay on my bed lost in the sound for days if I was allowed to do that... So got my iPod, the charger and some water and went to my room shut the door put my head phones on and was ready to be completely lost in another world but each and every song that came on I found a connection to Audrey, each lyric meant something and I found a way to link it to Audrey... She was every where, there was no escape besides sleeping, that would do it..I would sleep and dream of crazy shit, scary shit like always, no connections to anything in reality. So I thought that sleeping was my best option well I kind of had to considering it was the only thing left. It was literally my last resort, So I gave it a try, made the room extremely cold, because the colder the room the better chance of having a nightmare, and that is just what I needed. I fell into a deep slumber, the kind where you have the good vivid dreams, the dreams that when you wake up you feel like it wasn't a dream at all, you remember every part. Well the dreams I had there, I didn't want to remember when I woke up because it was no nightmare but I was starting to believe that Audrey was haunting me even in my sleep.
These dreams, I woke from them crying my eyes out, wishing and hoping that they had been true, that reality didn't suck still, that I was finally able to be in her arms with no complications named Taylor.
I dreamed of Audrey showing up at my house in the middle of the night, I am passed out, shes banging on the door. Mother answers and tell Audrey it would be best if she left, It was nothing against her but she didn't want to see her daughter with another broken heart. Audrey pleaded to my mom to let her stay the night, so that she could beg for forgiveness in the morning, that she knew that she had messed up. I heard her talking to my mom and i woke up, told my mom that it was okay that she could stay but we would be outside talking. My mom nodded kissed my forehead and said good night. Audrey and I talked for a little about everything that had happened, i forgave her. We then talked about everything and anything, I sang the song I wrote about her, well Its not about her, its more so about Fmb. But anyway all was good in this fantasy land that my unconscious mind cooked up. But soon that fairy tale came to an end as quickly as it began. I woke up, looked around expecting her to be right next to me, by my side but no I was alone in my house at 3 am. It took a total of 23 minutes for me to fall back into a deep slumber and the next dream I had didn't leave Audrey out like I would have liked it too. This one wasn't as bad as the first one, this one left out her apology, this one left out Taylors', this dream it was the dream of how I wish we would have been, there was no Taylor on either side, we got along and we were great friends but that all that we could be in this dream, this dream Audrey wanted things to move slower then slow. We held hands once the last night I was in Fmb... She came to see me a week after I left and our first kiss happened... in the rain... during a storm while we were stuck in a tent, Ethan in his tent, and Justin in the car. It was a kiss that made lightening strike the water behind us. This may have been completely unrelated but i still think it meant something. Then I woke up in tears again, 6 am and I did not plan on going back to bed, I had enough of Audrey, I couldn't have her, I cant have her. So therefore I don't want to think about her, talking about her blog about her, I don't want anything that has to do with her. I just wanted her gone. But then I had to go and send her a picture message and now I sit her dying inside as she say I miss you and I wish I had you back. Every time my phone lights up with her name I die on the inside, this sounds bad but me dying on the inside is good, its showing me that i am alive, something cutting only did. Audrey makes me feel emotions that I stored away, so i never had pain or actually happiness that could be shattered. She makes me feel all the emotions of the rainbow. (gay pun hehe) But i sit her longing for answers to questions I cant even put into words. Questions that will sit in my pretty little head for days, months, maybe even years going unanswered.
From day one, she has confused me but I stayed around to hopefully one day things would be clear.
Things have not cleared up, at one point the sky was a little less cloudy but a storm is moving in. Im lost at sea with this girl. My emotions are ranging from happy to sad to lost to livid to ecstatic to dazed.
I am lost at where I stand with her, I don't want what she wants from me. I don't know what else I have to give to her, shes took it all in round one.

Basically if Audrey showed up at my house and said Be my Girlfriend Again, I would look at the time write it down then kiss my girlfriend. I am clinically insane, I swear it I am. I have to be to want to be back with Audrey...
To forgive the way I do. To look past the bad and shitty situations and just see the good, I must be insane. There has to be something wrong with me. My brain is not wired right, a screw is loose or something. It must be, that is the only explanation.

-Enemy Of My Soul

Tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

I really dont understand the world as much as I play it off. I dont get why the world is so cruel or how we cant end world hunger or find a way for peace. There are some things that I believe I will never understand, I will be okay with that in the end. But right now I know that tomorrow isnt guaranteed and that I should not be sitting around in the this weird messed up sad depressed mood.

I know that its pointless to cry but ive held it back for so long i cant control it now.

The letters you will never get.

I have always felt like i've never been good enough and every single person i have risked my heart for has proven that I am not good enough. Every one has cheated on me at least once. If I was enough then they wouldnt cheat or start talking to other girls, or even look at them. I would be the only girl they see, the only one they want to kiss every day. And if they get drunk without me they wont go sleep with someone else because they cant because they just want to see me, so they call me and tell me that they miss me and they wish i was with them. If I was enough then i wouldnt have to constantly worry that they could find someone better in a heartbeat.
Sometimes, I just want to disappear and never try to find anyone special because well its not worth it. I always end up hurt in the end. I believe that one day I will be living alone and content with a couple of dogs, I say dogs because quite frankly i believe i am the only lesbian that honestly hates cats. I cant stand them.
Right now I am young and I know that I dont need to find my soul mate, my true love but it would be great to have someone around that i can cuddle with, i can sing to and dance around with in my underwear.
I want to be completely goofy with someone but also be able to have a serious, a real conversation with. I want to be able to sit around on the couch and watch movies one day and the next go out to the beach and skim board, play volleyball or Frisbee, we can kick the soccer ball around too. I want someone who will not be comfortable with me attempting all the dangerous things I do but they will sit there scared and watch. I just want a girl who i can go skate with even though im not the greatest at it right now. They can laugh at me when I fall but i want them to help me up afterward too. I just want someone that i can be completely comfortable with, actually scratch that I want a girl that will pull me out of my comfort zone, a girl that makes me see that my comfort zone has no limits.
I know that this seems like i want my soul mate but i really dont i just want someone who wont cheat on me because they think that i am worth something.
All I really am asking for is someone who will stick by me and only me... they wont have girls or guys on the side, they just want me and thats good enough for them.

I have been cheated on by way to many people, yet i stuck by them because i thought it was a one time thing, I saw the good in them the side that makes me want them in my life so i forgive them. Well, I am done with seeing only the good, in a relationship you have to see that bad too but to make the relationship work you need to see past it, recognize it, know that it is there but dont make it the only thing you see in them.

-Enemy Of My Soul.

One day this will be yours.

She will be everything you need and want.
She will be silly and goofy with you but know when its time to be serious.
She will argue with you but the making up will be something you love.
She will probably do a lot of stuff that you have never tried and she will make you try some of it and at first you will be nervous about it but then you'll let go and find that your comfort zone doesnt have limits.
She will make you see the good in the world, she will bring a smile to your face with a simple hello.
She will be weird and awkward but with your weird and awkwardness you think you are it will be a perfect match.
She will show you that you are so much more then you think you are.
She will bring out the best of you and sometimes the worst in you but it will be worth it, you will feel it in your heart.
She will be perfect in your eyes and she will believe you are perfect to.
One day this will all be yours. <3

This distance is just a road bump.

So, I have had some of the best days that i have ever had with Audrey, every time she comes to see my I just get lost in everything that she is. I get lost in the fact that with her I am the happiest I have been in awhile in a few years actually. She makes me forget that I was once so lost in depression. The first time she came to me, she took me camping with Justin, Ethan and her... That was something else. I had so much fun though. Then we went to the mall and the beach and that day i could help but smile the entire time besides when we got breakfast in IHOP.. but still that day was kind of perfect well I thought that things couldnt get any better but then she came the next Friday and I became her girlfriend at 4:59pm in Burger King. <3 This literally made me want to jump up and down. I finally could call her my girlfriend and with how much i like her i cant see her as just a friend.
I want her to be not only my girlfriend but my best friend too. But Audrey makes me speechless all the time its actually really difficult to be writing this right now. She makes my head spin sometimes but it just makes me like her even more. She really isnt the type of girl that i would date but she kinda is, I dont know how to explain it, like she isnt because we barely have anything in common but we find a way around our differences which im sure will keep this relationship interesting and alive, even when there is so much that makes this makes us being together look hard and complicated. (the exact opposite of justins dick hehe I had to)
We have at least an hour between us and we have a two year age difference that puts her in college and me stuck in high school. We have both stated that we are not each others type at all but there is something about each other that just pulls us in, something different. In my opinion everything is different but its like just some little special thing that makes me want to be with her.
Ever since day one there is something about her that makes me just want to sit and watch her to see what she does next, I just want to be around her as much as i can. She just has this sparkle about her that makes her this magnificent, beautiful, stunning, wonderful, amazing girl. She has this way of just making everyone look at her and she hates it but once being a stranger its hard not to just look at her, she is just breathtakingly beautiful.
Okay so whenever I am with her it really is perfect, she just makes me forget that the world is a cruel nasty place with beauty hidden every where, all i see is the beauty and well her of course.
Ahh, writing this makes me miss her a lot more then i already did. I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile, her eyes, her hand holding mine, her lips meeting mine, the way she moves, the way she protects her sun glasses with her life, the way she looks at me when she thinks im not looking, the way she holds me from behind like her arms around my waste and she has to bend down because im so short. Ahh, I miss everything about her. The way she kisses my head so gently or my neck. Ugh, I cant write about this anymore its making it even harder for me.
Bottom line Audrey is absolutely perfect for me in every single way even if she isnt my type. :)
-Enemy of my Soul.

Corona

Hmm....  well My Girlfriend just drove at midnight to come see me... and she is staying the night... which just means i get my stupid cheesy fall asleep next to her little dream shit. Wow, I am pathetic.

I am to ecstatic to even type...


but i am also disappointed in myself because from the second I met her i told myself that i wouldnt break skin on purpose and i did.. I have cuts on my wrist and well yeah... She is making me nervous right now.....
Ugh
Bye


-enemy of my soul.

Obviously, I am not enough and I never will be enough.

So, Audrey excepted all of my secrets and everything that i have gone through made her like me more apparently but not enough to do the one thing that i asked which is stay faithful... Dude, If you have a girlfriend, you are not available to go out and "hook-up" with anyone but your girlfriend, but this is ostensibly to hard of a concept to grasp.

faith·ful adjective
1.
strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithfulworker.
2.
true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
3.
steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithfulfriends.
4.
reliable, trusted, or believed.
5.
adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original;accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy.
This is how the dictionary defines faithful.

It honestly irks me that someone can sit there and say that they want you as there girlfriend, they make you there girlfriend then go and do stuff with another girl because you a drunk. I will never accept being drunk as an excuse to cheat. I know that we just started dating but seriously if you can cheat on someone a day in then you do not deserve to even be in a relationship. I should just walk away right now because when i really think about it, Audrey is going off to college and she will be partying, drinking and will want to hook up with whoever she wants, I don't doubt that she will think about me and say no i have a girlfriend, she will do whatever with whoever whenever she wants without even thinking about me. I can not handle another i did stuff with another girl last night. And of all days, on Paiges birthday, my little sisters birthday, so now i just want to sit here and cry and be pissy because i got screwed over but i will not. My sister's birthday is way more important then some chick.
I really need to look at all the red flags a little bit more when they come up, so that way i dont get into a relationship with another "cheater".
I am completely baffled with this situation and i will handle it on another day because today is not about me, It is about my beautiful intelligent talented amazing magnificent wonderful sister Paige. <3

Relapse: It can happen at any moment; even if you think you are better.

One month and ten days just got washed and flushed down the drain.
All the feelings of self hate and disgust are back. The worthless feeling i use to feel all the time is back.
I told myself that i wouldnt let anyone ruin my happiness, that happiness is a choice but when you feel like you are the only one in the world happiness isnt a choice at all. When you think that eating that food made you nine million times heavier then you are...and you purge, that isnt happiness, its depression inching its way back to me. I will never lose the sadness. I will  never shake my feelings of low self esteem, low self worth... In my eyes i am useless and there really isnt a reason for me to be alive. I should be six feet under ground, that is where i belong.... in the dark with the spiders snakes and slimy creatures.
I am screaming on the inside, wanting to just to brake out of this ridiculous feeling that i will never be good enough for anyone.
I cant even write right now, I am so frustrated and disappointed in myself. But i do have to say that it felt so good to cut into my skin, brake it, and watch the blood flow out like its a river.
I missed the red pouring from the broken skin. What a beautiful sight.. Even though its twisted and completely not what a normal person would do. There has to be something wrong with me...

American Honey.

So, I have been told that i lost myself, I see that I have.. But I found this girl that i like a whole lot better then who i was, this girl knows that she can get anyone she wants. She knows that she is hot and she has confidence. She has this spark inside of her that makes her shine brighter then i use to. I get noticed now. I am invited to go party and have a great time getting lost in drugs and alcohol. I am loud and even more not afraid to say and stand up for what i think is right. I have a voice and i can use it now. I couldnt before. I was quiet and shy, I stayed to myself... Back then i would rather stay at home and read or watch a movie, now i need to party, i crave the scene and the people.
I have no idea where this new found rebel came from but i dont want her to go away any time soon because i love it. This girl inside me now is screaming and everyone is hearing. She is carefree and doesnt give a damn about what anyone else has to say about her and what she is doing. She say screw the police, they dont have shit on her. She walks with swag and this beaming smile, a smile i havent seen on myself since age like 7.
I wish i knew what triggered this party female that knows exactly who she is and she is proud. she can kiss a girl and hold there hand and be all over them in public with people watching. She is proud that she likes screw that loves girls. She doesnt care that people stare and some even say that i should go to hell because im disobeying god... She just keeps her head held high and continues with her swag and what she is doing.
The old me would be scared to kiss a girl in public even hold their hand...I would constantly be looking for people who i knew so i could just for that moment brake away from the girl i was with but now im like bitches look at this hot chick that i get to kiss and hang out with. This new girl doesnt care about anything but being happy and having a good time.

Im not giving her back ever... She will not be leaving any time soon. <3

MY FREAKING MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG, I am literally at the point where i just want to pack up all of my shit and leave, never come back... I dont know how i would do this but i want to so badly. I need a fucking job so that way senior year i can move the fuck out because i will be 18 and then i will never ever have to see my mother ever again. She seriously is so fucking stupid. I am so done with the bullshit.
She really needs to fucking get her shit together and figure out if she is actually going to be a fucking mom or not. Because when you give me complete freedom one day and say i can be home whenever as long as i dont get taken home by the cops to you arent allowed to go any where. And you arent going to fort myers. Omg I just dont fucking get it. she was all for it one day and then bam!!!! she fucking changes her mind and i havent been a bitch or anything to her at all. I have been doing all my chores and i have been making her food and doing whatever she says... i have basically been her bitch for the past week or so.. and now i want to go one place.. one day hour away and no. .and she doesnt even have to give me money... nope all she has to do is let me take the car. I got money on my own which is what she wanted me to do. but no i still cant fucking go. That bitch really needs to figure out if she wants to be a parent or not.
I am almost 17 years old and if you were to really look at it, i would seem so much older. Ugh.
I never ask for the car any more because i dont need it but this time the one time that i actually want to do something and go somewhere its a no. even though it was a yes two fucking days ago!!! Wtf.
When i asked her if i could go she said yeah as long as i got gas money and blah blah blah. Then i was like im bringing Paige cause well i dont think it would be a great idea to go alone and she was like okay... And now that bitch is like i dont know how you think you are getting down there because you arent using my car.
SHE IS SUCH A FUCKING NAR NAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can not wait til i get a job and my own car and my own place cause then i wont have to live by this dumbasses stupid rules.
Seriously as soon as i graduate I am moving far far away and not telling anyone, I am just gonna disappear into a little country hick town and just have a quiet life and not talk to anyone in my family because they are all fucking stupid as fucking nar nars. that can just go fuck themselves in the asses.
AHHHH, I need to get out of this goddamn house but oh thats right my mom is being a bitch and not letting me do anything because im going to Fort myers saturday.. hahah but wait i can do whatever cause she isnt letting me go now.

FUCKING AAAAAAAA. I just want to see Audrey. This is the only chance i got and my mom is fucking ruining it. I want to fucking stab something right now.

New hole in wall.. I think so. :)
Ugh. Fucker fuck fucking fuck.

I just thought that you should know....

If there is any possibility that you will be falling in love with me, i think that it is only fair that you are aware of what you are falling in love with.

You are going to be falling in love with every single one of my insecurities, and my constant obsession with trying to figure out what everyone truly thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity (when it comes out), my constant need to feel loved and appreciated (even though i push the ones who love me away at times.), and my tendency to by a tad clingy at times, sometimes i just need to be around you a lot. you will be falling in love with my troubled past and how i am secretly a hopeless romantic, and all of my hopes and dreams that may seem a little to big. If you happen to fall in love with me, you fall in love with my hate for myself and all of my imperfections and my perception that no one could ever love me. (which will make me doubt that you truly do, it will make it complicated but i will believe you.)

But, also you will have fallen in love with the way my eyes shine when im with you, the way i'll text you in the mornings just to let you know you should have a good day, and ill text you in the evenings to find out how your day went and to say goodnight. You are falling in love with the occasionally humorous and or thought provoking things that i say. You are falling in love with the way I blush when people ask me about you, or when you call me beautiful or when i see that you have texted me. But to be honest the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my over thinking, extreme imagination that it is impossible for anyone to do such a thing.

This is what you fall for, if you cant handle it, dont make me fall for you, just leave right now.. no harm done.  

Maybe it's not about the happy ending, maybe its more about the actual Story.

I've always wanted a happy ending, you know that find your true love at a young age and go through everything together, get married and have kids. then stay married happily til the day we both wither away into nothingness. And that through all of it I would be happy and nothing else in the world would matter. We would live in a huge house and have great jobs and our kids would get the life that i always wanted. But right now, I honestly believe that it isnt always about the happy moment, the happy memories, its more about everything else the sad times, the hard times, the times where you just want to punch a wall or lay in bed all day. Its about the little things all the things that make you smile or laugh.
Life is about creating yourself and finding out what makes you happy, It doesnt matter what makes everyone else  happy. you have to grow up happy.
I dont fucking know where im going with this.
I guess the ending doesnt matter but how you get there because in the true end you are 6 feet under and dead, thats not a happy ending, so i guess the story is more important and that you have to live your life the way you want not how others want you to.
(this post was pointless.)

Basically.....

she think about you non-stop, and you're all she talks about. When she talks to you she always has that bright smile, and truly happy. With one hug you make her melt and always leave her with butterflies and at the same time, when she's upset your usually the reason. But she refuses to see any flaws in you. And no matter how many people try to tell her different and that you aren't worth it, she believes your perfect for her and worth every second of the wait, and she's too scared to tell you any of this because she doesn't want to mess anything up. And doesn't want to end up hurt, once more.

Sometimes the best way to get someones attention is to stop giving them yours.

I hate people that sit there and say I like you but i dont know, I dont think this would work. 

What do you not think will work, our Fucking friendship because thats all we are and obviously all we can be when you are sitting there saying that it wont work. We didnt even have anything for something to not work.
But what I hate even more is when that same person bitches at you and calls you a cunt and a bitch and that they dont want a damn thing from you, they tell you to delete there number and just forget them because you meant nothing to them in the first place, and even after they say that, they call you later in the night drunk or high off their ass, saying that they miss you and dont understand why i just let go, and didnt care.
Well Audrey, I did fucking care, i still care about you but dont you dare call me a bitch and tell me not to talk to you then call me saying you miss me. Audrey I dont forgive you, you were a complete bitch to me and i wont be treated like shit by anyone. And the only reason when you told me on saturday that you didnt think it would work and i just was like whatever and bye is because If you dont think it will ever work then im not going to stick around and put myself 100% into something that you think isnt going to work out anyway. Im not asking for us to be together forever and ever and be buried in the same fucking coffin so we are forever together, all i was asking for was the truth, and if we even ended up together like you said you could see, then all i would ask for is the truth and for you to be faithful.
Audrey, you fucking confuse the fuck out of me and you texting me Hey cutie this morning didnt fix everything.
I am not sorry that i was short with you all day because you dont even want to talk to me anyway.
I wont get close again for you to just run away again.
We can be friends but seriously i cant deal with the mixed emotions and fake signals.
You confuse me more then anyone does. 

I dont get how you can say I like you and one day i can see making you my girlfriend and being the happiest girl in the world to fuck you bitch, dont fucking talk to me ever again to Babe i miss you. im sorry that i was a bitch and I really just feel a lot for you and it scares me. blah blah blah.
Its really fucking confusing.
But Ill suck up all of this and never say it to you because I am to much of a puddin pop and because right now  im ignoring you. Maybe youll actually miss me and come back.
I wish sometimes i could say this all to you but it wouldnt matter anyway.
-enemy of my soul