The battle..

It's like I want to forget you and move on but the other half of me is telling me that it's you it's always been you and always will be you. I know that I love you with all my heart and I know that you love me but we make all these plans and goals and things that could really happen. They could if we actually tried and got things in motion but yet I sit here and wonder how long would you really stay around with a child and two dogs and a girl that is way to emotional. I mean I know you can put up with me but the dogs are a handful plus carter that makes four handfuls. I don't even have enough hands to feed the dog let them out make sure the don't escape, while making a bottle holding carter getting him to stop crying and than feeding him. It's a lot of work and I mean I know you want to handle it. I know you want to make this work but a baby two dogs bills to be paid and doctor visit. Special needs, my treatment, physical therapy, the dogs have to walk at lest once a day, getting them trained better all of that is a lot to handle and it's not even the full depth of it.  I would understand you backing out and forget I existed. But anyway back to the original reason i was writing this. I think sometimes it would be best to walk away and move on. But I couldn't find anyone who I love as much as you. Things are so complicated for us and it would make it easier if we weren't together or even talking. But I can't go a dy without talking to you. Maybe I'll try. I don't think it will work. But idk tomorrow I guess I just won't talk to you and we will see how long I last. Buh I already don't like the sound of that. Going to end this here because I'm tired and upset. 

August 2nd, 2013

I am honestly so proud if myself lately. I have been working a full time job and going to school online. I am doing what I need to do to get my life together. I have new friends to make memories with and I have a few old ones that I'm glad stuck around. With every passing day, though it can be a struggle I feel myself growing stronger and more confident. I know in my heart that I will be able to survive this life god has handed me. Though I face many struggles and some would say disadvantages I know that god hasn't given me anything I am not prepared for and I couldn't handle. The last few months have been really hard, and at times I saw ending my life to be the only answer but with recently situations I know that I am not meant to leave this world in such a gruesome way by my own hands. I know that family and god are watching out for me up there and they want me to succeed in life and I will not let them down. Through the struggles I am facing I know I will be strong enough to make it through each hurdle and bump or wall in the road. The doors that closed behind me have defiantly lead me to many open doors and even a few windows that I could crawl through. I'm not giving up on a life that I was blessed to have. Every thing happens for a reason and I can never doubt that because though things happened that I wasn't exactly proud of, I have been lead to some amazing people and some offers I can't resist. Life is looking up and even when it looks down a little I will continue to be strong and not give up. I can do this standing on my own two feet. I have the faith inside of me to pull this crazy life off. 

Orange is the new black.

God, this show is like my life. It isnt exactly the same but it sure is close. But being on house arrest and doing this day by day shit isn't working. I can't deal with any of this. I just want to be dead or in prison at least there I wont have to deal with all the shit and the looks and the constant battle of never being enough. Ill be just a number or a last name or even just a tombstone that people pass without a second thought. The last eight fucking months have been hell and I have been shutting down and I am ready to just shut down completely. At least if I go to prison, it will be a day in and day out same shit. At least than I wont have to deal with the outside world. I could do my time and come out and do something completely different.

I honestly believe that it should have been me sitting in jail or prison than her. I deserve that more than her.

God fuck this writing shit. My one passion doesnt even matter anymore.

Brutally Honest.

I haven't been on here in awhile, due to a lot of pure bullshit that has been going on and I just havent been able to write anything. But now it is time to be completely brutally honest. I was charged with two crimes, two felonies and that ended up with me on community control, oddly enough something that should have been the worse thing that has ever happened to be has been the best. The brutality of it is that, I had lost all my friends when I moved to Bradenton with Emily and when they weren't around when Emily and I were at our highest, I thought well damn they dont care if I am happy, they have always seen me sad and depressed and maybe they can't handle my happiness maybe, its to different for them. But lets me honest, they moved on from my pity party to just not caring about me. Brittney she will always be there, but just enough to show that she is, and I don't blame her for that, shes to nice of a person. She sticks to her promises, and one day when I was on my near to death, she promised she would always be just a phone call away and now she literally is just a phone call. But that's not her fault. I pushed her away and trying to get her back was wrong of me. I am to blame for that friendship. Now, the brutal honest about Samie, Damn this girl, I screwed up everything with her being with emily, she was my best friend. I had the best of times with her. She was so much of me that I was nothing without her at least it felt that way when I was in the dog house. She made me happy, the times we spent together, I can never forget them at all. She brought back the light into my life and I screwed her over for the dumbest of reasons but you know when I reached out to her, she came right back into my life and we picked up like we did, on one of the last nights I spent with her, after work we went on a nondate, haha it was a date. It was one of the greatest nights I can remember from back than. And even though she doesnt come around, I cant blame her. All I can be hopefully is that she continues to talk to me because she keeps me sane. like always.
Now, Paige, my dear little sister, the one person, who I could fight with to the death and in the end we would always be okay. There was a point when I thought, I was just that friend that she hung out with when no one else was around but you know through out everything we went through I thought that I wasn't. And when we went to Fort Myers, I realized that she was my rock, she helped me survive through so much, because I always fought for her, to keep her breathing. I knew that she might fall apart if I left and well I couldnt let that happen. She was my baby sister and I loved her more than anything, I would do anything to keep her safe and make sure the people who didnt like her felt like nothing because Paige is talented and brilliant. But now, being on community control, I feel like shes made ever excuse that she can to not see me. I mean shes been by a few times but there has been times that Ive needed her at least to text back and I've got nothing. Brittney talks and sees her almost every day and I get nothing, I get absolutely nothing. I know that being on basic house arrest is hard for everyone to grasp but god damn it, I need my friends, no I need my sister to be there for me, like she was once before. I realize I may let her down and turned into someone that no one likes but FUCK i've always been there for her when she lets me in. It hurts so bad to know that my sister, the only one who ever knew what was going on in my life isnt in my life for real. I know that she has a life and she has brittney but god damn, do I really not mean anything any more. I mean every now and than hey whats up but nothing real. She doesn't care, or maybe she does but she cant show it anymore... I don't know but its been tearing me apart inside and I can't stand not being part of her life, or being important enough to be invited to her graduation. That kills me because she was the only one I wanted at mine.

And now last but not least ever, My absolute best friend, my ride or die, well at least he use to but now I dont believe it. Teejay was there at every darkest moment, he was there when I took an entire bottle of sleeping bills, I beat the shit out of him and yet he watched me sleep to make sure I kept breathing. He was the first phone call I made when I got out of bayside. He was the first person besides my mom that I saw, he slept over the night I got out. He was there through every single terrible thing that happened to me and god because I am being honest and brutally at that, Teejay was literally the sole reason I was breathing on more than one occasion. He is probably the biggest reason I am alive today. He saved me from myself, from the demons inside me and god, if I didnt have him, I would be so different right now. I wouldnt even be writing this post. Teejay, even thinking about everything we did together from the bad to the good makes me smile and giggle through the tears. From smoking to drinking to getting caught smoking at howl o scream to drinking a smuggled in bottle of the worst rum in the world in line to a haunted house with complete strangers but hey they were cute. To fucking parties in my backyard to drinking with nicole at drum circle. From fighting like bitches to hugging and crying because we fought. The times that I had with my TEEEJAAYYY were literally the best times I have ever had. He is one of the most amazing guys that I have ever had in my life. He is so talented and so strong willed and though he acts like a know it all, its okay because he always does know it all. Teejay, is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, he is kindhearted and just so I cant even put him into words. But lately, im just not worth his time, he doesnt care anymore but maybe he just doesnt want to show it. I've left him before and It killed him, so why get close again, Ill probably do it again. Buh. I just want things with Teejay to go back to before I was with emily.


Honestly, I guess I just dont get a second chance with these people. I guess I thought I could but reality says no.

A Fairy, A Princess and the girl that will always have my heart.

A fairy, a princess... a girl that took my heart on a roller coaster, we had some fun.. A years worth but it felt like I knew her for a lifetime. We had adventures that honestly not one person would ever understand, not in this lifetime, not in the next. We had such open minded for fantasy and tail tale wonderlands. We made a land for just us two, one that we both could escape to. A world where when it was just the two of us, nothing else mattered, no one else was alive. It was us, just this girl and I fighting monsters, protecting our love and hiding behind lamppost on main street. It was wonderful, it was amazing, it was lovely, it was true. The love we had was built into this world, the love we had went deep into our hearts, our souls, and our minds. We built this world filled with love and pure joy, pure outrageous ridiculousness. The laughs we shared, well there were plenty, more times than i can count did I catch a glimpse of her beautiful smile, and when i heard that laugh, damn that laugh; it literally brought flowers to life. This fairy, this princess, this girl was created out of pure sole happiness, and utterly to much energy; I couldnt always keep up with her but it was okay because being able to sit back and watch her run (like a completely fool may i say but oh how cute) around and giggle and hid behind the silliest of things was the greatest joy in life. I wanted to than just always be able to take all of her in and to understand everything that she is but she always got away. She always, we always slipped back into reality the real world with other girls, with friends whose opinions were always to loud. We let it all go, the world that we built, we let it go, fall just out of reach. But than after another year, a year with no contact, a year with hate filled words and pleas to break up her happy life. And now, a fairy, a princess... A girl that stole my heart walked, well wondered back into my life and now the adventures they started up again, the getting lost in a world of our own is back, and i couldnt enjoy it anymore. She makes me so happy, she makes me smile with a text because I think of all the memories, all the times that we will have. I love her with all my heart and she is so important to me but once again, reality and our fantasy world just doesn't collide together. Once again, I hate timing.. it's always wrong every time, I just ugh. I want to scream because well things in that land of ours is so good and so pure. I just want to steal her away and live in nothing but the world we created together. Ugh, words work when I want to talk about her but not with anything else. This girl is so amazing and I just wow. Anywho thats so enough for now, I need a cigarette and some tea.     

💎💋

Fairy running princess, how the fuck do you do this to me? How do you make me fall for you every single time I see you? It's been over a year and yet seeing you and you being here with me just fucks me up.
I don't completely understand it. We tried so hard to be together and it didn't work. I always thought that sometimes people fall in love but they aren't meant to be together. I just don't get how after all this time I can feel the same way about you as I did than. Buh. Princess how do you do this too me.

I'm done with it.

I'm physically and emotionally done with the stress and anxiety of this court situation. I'm done worrying if I am going to end up in prison or jail. I'm done I'm just done. Like I want to just plea out to what ever the state has to offer. The last offer was 18 months prison and than three years paper. Maybe I deserve it maybe my actions need to be payed for with prison maybe I followed to closely to others and my debt is prison. Maybe it's a lesson of how strong I can really be. Maybe it's to teach me I only need myself and I don't need to be so dependent on others. Maybe prison is for me to learn things about myself that I can't see. Maybe I'm not as good as a person as I once thought I was. All these maybes, I can remember when I didn't live by maybes or what ifs I guess that's what got me in trouble living in the moment and not giving a hoot about tomorrow but now I can barely live today because I'm focused on tomorrow and court. I can't do anything but live in this nothingness because chances are I'm going to be locked up stripped of my freedom and boxed in with just my guilt and my emotions. I'm going to be lost in my thoughts with no way to rid them. No razors no lighters and safety pins to pin my flesh no clothes that define my personality just one solid color orange maybe blue I don't know what prison colors are for females and my crimes that I so willingly followed others to commit put me at a high risk I think that's red. I don't know but my tears aren't going to be accepted in there no one to hold my hand no shoulder to lean on. No marissa or Kevin jr. To brighten my day. Stone walls and solid colors. No outlet for creativity no outlet at all. A cell a metal bunk and a toilet I won't use. I'll die in there. Broken battered and left for dead. I won't survive but who knows maybe the strength that I've been afraid to show will blossom. That sounds so beautiful inner strength blossoming but something so beautiful can't happen in a place that strips you of your dignity pride and all things that once defined you. I lose everything. My entire life will be put on hold because I couldn't lead myself I had to follow something I'd never done. Something that I swore I wouldn't do. I've always been on my own independent and when I did have friends I lead them. I was in the lead with Tj by my side. But than Emily and Peter stepped so gently in my life and turned everything I was into something I wasn't. I did things to fit in to prove that I wasn't a fragile glass doll and yet still I was treated like this little girl. I objected and that wasn't okay they sweet talked everything and made it sound so innocent and that's we're they got me. But now I sit here tears in my eyes and the need for another cigarette with this overbearing sense that I could have stopped this all I could have made a choice I had a choice but you know, the love I thought was there took control. I gave up everything for one person and now I'll have to pay for choosing the wrong person for loving all the wrong people for holding on to something that I knew was wrong. Maybe even the thought of prison in my future made me change just a little but yet why make a life with school and a job and a boyfriend when all ill have in the end is a prison sentence and the cops watching me for years. But maybe I can stop it all maybe the thought of death sounds a little bit sweeter. Prison puts everything on hold. I'll get out get a job paying min. Wage maybe ill get my dogs back and what live with my mom again but I couldn't because she wants a life in Philly with her son that doesn't cause her heartache her son that made something I him self the right way. I can't ask her to stay and both my grandparents they don't have much time left if they pass away while I'm serving my time I won't be able to live with myself. I'll waste away inside wither like a dead rose but not as beautiful or as graceful. I'll downward spiral to the point of no return. I broke my moms heart. I broke my dads heart. And my grandparents moved down here to be with me and I barely pay them any attention and I won't be able to locked away in a box with the key thrown out. I'm wasting away right now with a smile on my face. Maybe signing prison time won't be so bad after all. Maybe signing will release the tension in my head the pain in my gut. The scars on my body. I'm done I can't anymore. Six days of freedom six days to fret and tie up some lose ends. Six days to have freedom well if you can call this insanity that I have freedom.


-breaking suffocation. (Well maybe I'm just suffocating)

So ever feel...

Ever feel like they want you just to themselves. Like they think that if you are out there with other people they will lose you. Well I'm sick of feeling like I'm a fragile doll that can't go any where because everyone flocks to me and it will be over whelming and I just might so happen to like some one other than who I'm with. No if I'm with you I'm with you and no one else unless you smoother me and don't let me be around anyone else. But to the reason of writing this I'm getting this feeling that either kels doesn't want me to be around other people cause he might lose me or that he doesn't want his friends or coworkers to meet me because maybe he's embarrassed to be with me. I mean I'm seven years younger than him I'm not able to legally drink and I'm not really you know the hottest girl and maybe he doesn't want to be seen because he should have a hotter girl by his side than me. But like he tells me all the time in beautiful and what not but maybe I'm just pussy and gettin me a phone and all the shit he does is so he can keep my tight wet pussy around and he can get it whenever he wants. Plus I clean and do pretty much whatever he wants to do with no complaints. I had a car so free rides but now I can get my moms car and once again free rides. He's in good with my brother now so like if I'm just a fucking piece of ass it's gonna hurt my mom my brother marissa Kevin jr. It's gonna effect more people than just me. I could handle it just hurting me but my family loves him so I hope that for lords sake that he isn't playing me and that he just didn't want to go to that party for some reason like he's tired or something cause right now it so feels like he doesn't want to be seen with me by his friends. Idk I'm just blah and tired and probably over thinking a lot of shit. But I guess I'll just go to sleep and worry about this another day.

-breaking suffocation

Thoughts, Why even have them?

All my thoughts do is fill my head up with pain and insecurity; makes me angry and emotional. FUCK THIS I CANT TELL YOU OR ANYONE ELSE WHATS IN MY HEAD. THE THOUGHTS ARE EATING ME ALIVE BUT IF I LET THEM OUT IT STILL WONT SOLVE A DAMN THING!!!!!!!