My birthday, in four hours...

Hopefully I'll go to sleep and not wake up to another day in this bullshit life of mine.
Maybe tomorrow if I'm still alive, I'll head to the bridge, I'll stand there on the edge and jump, end it all because quiet frankly that sounds beautiful to me. Death. Please come to me. My wish on my candles isn't coming true fast enough. I don't want t live another day in this hell I call a life. I honestly believe it's time to end it all.


I don't want to continue breathing any more.


Maybe my birthday is the perfect day to end my life too, it's the perfect death date.


Goodbye, hopefully. Hopefully it's all over tomorrow.

A million feelings, a thousand thoughts, hundreds of memories, all for one person.

I have felt a million feelsing for just one person, we have had our up and more than enough downs, we fight, tell each other that we have extreme hate for the other and tell them we hope they burn in hell, where they belong but it is all said compltely out of anger. we soon find common ground and our friendship is repaired. The feelings I have for this one person range from a thousand types of love to the deepest form of hate. They can make me cry at one point in time then moments later have me giggling up a storm. They know exactly what to say to kill my self esteem and make me weaker then ever before but they also know what to say to build my self esteem up and make me stronger then I was before. We have been through so much in just six short months (a little bit more now...) I never would have thought that I would be sitting here in my room writing this after all has been said and done.
  I said in a past post that I was going to always write the truth, so once agian here is to the truth...
   My mind in still consumed by the thoughts of you but they linger in the back of my mind, they are stored away, sometimes they jolt to the front out of storage. My thoughts of you used to consist of being with you, spending our lives together abd how much i wanted to spend ever second I could with you. Now, my thoughts of you are how much you piss me off to the extent where i just want to hit you until I physically can't anymore, and I am a crying mess. To how I just want my best friend back, the girl that I could go to for everything and anything. My thoughts about you could eat me alive, when they come up front. I have so many thoughts about you that lead me into memories, oh the memories, the ones filled with laughter and the ones that are filled with tears are the most vivid.
  Memories, they fade away but the ones that you remember never change, like the people in them do, like the relation you had with the people in them do. You store these memories away to look back on another day. My memories with her involve tears, hitting, kissing, laughing and so much more. There are times when I look back, I remember both good and bad times, I think of the times where we laughed, our first encounter, walmart, the first night I slept at your house, our first kiss, the first time you came to my house, the first time at the beach, you bit me. (I still have teeth marks thank you for that.) I also remember every tear that fell from my eyes and the ones I wiped away from your eyes. I remember the fights, that had us heated for no reason at all. We honestly fought over nothing. Every word you said to me in those fights, sometimes they play on my head, clear as the day you said them. I know what I said to you in those lovely fights of ours, I know that I should have just shut my mouth but as you know I am just as stubborn as you.
  I remember the week or so before fort myers, oh that was probably our best days, we had finally got it right, we hadnt fought, we didnt even argue, we just laughed, played uno, loved, we cuddled, and watched movies and everything was just this perfect illusion. The day before my departure you left my side with thoughts that I was going to cheat, which left me with thoughts that you were going to be unfaithful. I remember walking you to the bus stop and crying, getting home and crying... i cried a lot the day we said goodbye... I felt that this next week or so was going to be the death of us and that we had just said our last goodbye, but I wanted so badly for it to not be our last goodbye. The space was the death of us. I talked to Paige about everything, I remember sitting in fort myers, crying once again for about an hour before I ended it with you, It was hard for me to do even if it didnt seem that way. I remember it all... And even though I thought that was the end of our fighting and our good times, I soon learned that it wasnt that easy to get rid of someone you honestly fell in love with, I still answered your calls and txts, I still was subjected to every negative thing you said about me, I still hurt when you got a new girlfriend, I still hurt when you hooked up with another girl when i was with audrey, I still wanted to just find you and slap you and then kiss you because that was we had always done, then the fights got worse and I swore that I was never going to let you hurt me but still every word you said about me killed me from the inside out, you had me cutting again, I was so weak to the words that you spit out of your mouth so easily. Now we are better and all I want is to just have my best friend back, I dont want anything but a friendship because thats how we work best as friends, plus i have an amazing girlfriend and I cant wait to spend my life with her because she is pretty damn close to perfection. But I will always have ten million emotions and thoughts and memories with just one person. I love you even if its not the same as it used to be.

-Enemy of my Soul

Getting sicker with every passing moment... I feel the hospital is in my future... My immune system is shit.

Dear Taylor,

I want to write you a letter and make you laugh awkwardly in class when everything is silent, so you can just get stared at... but you heard me on the phone, I am so sick and so very tired and i barely have enough energy to be writing this but i couldnt have you sitting in class and open up my blog and nothing be there at all... just what you have already read... So, just to inform you, It was nice talking to you and having a conversation with you that didnt involve us screaming at each other or hanging up. I hope that you actually go to White Berry with me one day and sit there and kick my ass at uno because i am such a loser at that game, I have no chance at beating you.
Anyway, have a good day at school... and your job training thing... lol
Omg, when i got off the phone with you I almost tripped and landed on my face but I didnt. K im going to bed now.

Talk to you later, you lurker. you troll me so hardcore.

No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plently of sleep.

Yesterday, 09.17.11 and this morning, Tj (my gay best friend, we had a moment of he thought he was straight but its okay hes better.) and I had a party to celebrate our birthdays, his was the 13 and mine is the 27th but we wanted to have a party together, so we planned and planned and thought things out. Well, Last night and early this morning was not what we had planned to happen. The events leading up to this point, this point of me writing this blog post, they are events that I will never forget. Last night was probably the most fun I have had in forever. The events of this weekend are times i'll look back on and be completely cheesin. Here is what I want to remember... I'll start from Friday.
  Friday, I went to pick up Beth and Brittney with Tj. But we had to make a pit stop at the store, so we could get alcohol and cigarettes. We bought like 30 dollars worth of alcohol. :) Then we got Beth and found Brittney on the side of the road. We got back home and shoved all the drinks into peoples bags, this was quite interesting, we walked in, thank god my mom was in her room. We went to my room and hid the bottles and cans under my bed, left them there and didnt mention them again until it was time to put them in the cooler on Saturday. Taylor came over shortly after we got home to see Brittney, but Brittney, Tj and Beth had smoked so Brittney was acting like a fool. I am not allowed to smoke, so i couldn't but I planned on quiting considering the last time i smoked real weed, I took my dear friend Mr. Razor and sliced till I couldn't feel my arm. But anyway, Tj and Taylor left. We all went to bed, lalalalallala none important junk. Morning time, Brittney and I planned to make breakfast for Beth and Taylor, that didnt turn out well at all. But then TJ came over and ladada, then Paige and Sammi and the other Samie arrived and we had dance offs and huge grinding messes, it was freaking dance central in my living room, then Sabrina and Oliver showed up, dancing, singing, talking, smoking, laughing and so much more was happening and then Molly finally arrived, I was so excited because I haven't hung out with her in forever. But anyway we danced and sang and had fun, then cooked pizza and chicken and I made myself some chicken salad. By this time I had a smirnoff and a beer... maybe two smirnoffs, Im not entirely sure but anyway we ate and talked blah blah blah. Than, Tj was like PALM TREES FOR THE FIRE!!!, so we went and collected a bunch of palm trees because this bonfire was not planned out very well and we were on a tight budget. But we got back and Tj and I were like cake time, so everyone sang happy birthday once, then my mom got home and wanted to see it, so they sang it again, then I cut the cake and everyone ate it nomnomnom. After the cake Molly wanted to give me my present but to do that she had to make her speech that she prepared. So everyone gathered in the living room and Molly and I stood across from each other, and she spoke the sweetest words to me that have ever been said to me and at the end she got down on one knee with a ring box and proposed to me, Of course I said yes, even though my beautiful girlfriend was sitting right behind me, we all new that it was a inside thing with Molly and I. So after she made me cry with all of this, Tj and I found that it was time for our four lokos, we had a lot of drinks, so I split mine with Beth and he split his with Molly. We drank outback around the bonfire, that Oliver was containing because Tj and I are piros and not allowed to mess with the campfire. But as the night continued on and the drinks slithered down my thoart, my girlfriends tongue found its way there too. This continued on for quite some time and when we came up for air, I learned that Tj and Oliver were flirting and being cute. So we figured we didnt miss much and continued on our adventure in learning each others antomy. Later on we took a breathe, Oliver was gone as were a couple other people, Niki had arrived and we looked around some more and Paige was kissing molly then Tj went and kissed everyone, then I had to go get another drink and Tj kissed Beth, and I ended up kissing Tj and Brittney and Taylor were going at it, then Samie and Paige locked lips. It was ridiculous. Next thing I know Tj and Molly are on the side of the house making out hardcore for at least an hour but I'm not entirely sure because my lips and hands were busy with Beth. But then I got interupted by Molly, who just wanted to inform me that she is having a blast. I then was like we are engaged and its soon to be my birthday, if its alright with my girlfriend I would like a kiss from my future wife. Beth allowed it and Molly's tongue found mine... this well it was only for like 30 seconds and it was definetly weird but not as weird as I thought it would have been. But the night continued and I drank my last drink and made out with Beth for like 45 minutes straight and missed out on a whole bunch of stuff because Beth and I were in our own little world, we fell out of the chair and didnt notice and then got back in the chair, I picked her up and she straddled me all the way to my bed. Let your imagination take it from there. But we soon arrived outback in our chair in another position that I really couldn't explain to you in words, you had to be there to understand that the way we moved was not completely normal, we became very flexible. the night continued and through out it I fell and stubbled, I beat up Tj after he almost caught my girlfriend and my future wife on fire with a stick that he caught on fire, he was swinging it around like it was nothing. But we worked past that and had a wonderful make up hug. But there was rough water when he was making out with Molly and yelling I might be straight and BLAH BLAH BLAH, I was like Tj we only work when you are gay and I am a lesbian, I am holding up my end of the bargin, you need to hold yourself to yours. He continued to make out with molly.... I just ignored it and continued you making my girlfriend happy. Then it came time to head inside and watch a movie, Beth sat on top of me and the next I remember was her pulling at my shirt and whispering, lets go to your bed, I listened to that request and was soon followed by the crew, dang those people. But then we all were laying down comfortably and the lights were off and hand were wondering, then Bam Tj right on time for the third time, flashes a damn light and is like who is in here and Beth pulls my hand away from her delicate body. Then I need a cigarette because this was just fusterating. So everyone follows me and we sit outside forever... making another fire and paige yelling WE ARE MAN and then finding the bear condom which was really just a bag that had two pickles in it. After some more giggles and cigarettes and trying to find my black that Samie and Paige had misplaced, We all called it time for bed, I passed out with my girlfriend in my arms, then I apparently started singing with the music when Paige and Samie were and it confused the hell out of them. Then we woke up in the morning, found the black and outback we went again to recap the night... Soon after some more laughter the group slowly left and the fun loudness died down, after Paige left and Taylor arrived again, it was time to take Brittney and Beth back home, so far away. But it had to be done, So I drove them all the way home, that long car ride that I have done every weekend for the past month. Im getting so used to it, I know it by heart each turn, each curve in the road, every light name and every stop sign, I know her house and that drive way the one where i drop her off at and have to say good bye til next weekend but i dont get to see her this weekend, I have to wait til after my birthday, I have to wait two weeks, I have to wait to kiss her again and hold her close to me but its worth it, she is worth it, she is worth everything and I cant wait til we get to live together in our nice cozy loft in Philly, her going to Drexel and me going to Penn or Drexel, studing together then graduating and starting our own practices, and getting married, that is in there, that is part of the plan, she is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, she means more to me then anyone in the past few months has, she is replacing my thoughts of terrible ex-girlfriends with new ones filled with beautiful happy joyful images. She makes me so happy, just her being around makes me happy, knowing that she is close, her txting me, everything she does just makes me happy. <3 Ah, I am so crazy about this girl, she just makes me adjlkshjafhuetsbgbsd.
Anyway this was my magnificent weekend that I will never forget. Ah I forgot Friday night, I kissed Beth for the first time, I did it on this bridge thing, sounds romantic and what not but it was in the middle of a parking lot, I mean i did it unexpectedly and I dont know it was just cute, cause she didnt want to stop. Ah, hmm ahhh, shes so cute, I love how cute we are. <3

-Enemy Of My Soul.

In The End, You Have To Own Your Actions.

In the game of life, you have to pick and choose your battles, you have to know which ones are worth the pain that comes with war and which ones that will only cause you pain and that's all you will ever get. In life you have the responsibility to own your own actions and the words that flow from your mouth, you can choose you lie and cheat and pick fights that won't get you anywhere but eventually you will have to own up to those words that you said or the punches that you almost threw or that you did throw. At the time, the words that are constantly throwing out into the world may seem like the perfect thing to say but once you realize what is really happening, once you take a step back and view the situation from a bystanders point of view and the point of view of the recieveing end then you can have a cleat outlook on what is really going on, if you still see a reason, a point, a vaild point to continue to fight, then that fight is worth fighting but if all you see is words being thrown around and people stressing and arguing over absoulely nothing, then own your actions and take the heat for them, apologize because you know that you had a part in helping the fire keep its flame and mean the apology; just don't do it because you feel that will solve all of the problem. It won't, it is just a start on owning up to what you said and did. You have to be frogiven still and learn from your mistakes. If you apologize and continue doing the same thing, then the apology meant nothing.
There are far more important things in life then arguing over absolutely nothing, to a person that you really dont know. You have to understand that in life, there is going to be people that make you want to hit them clear across the face but you have to look past that and see what they really are, just because a person doesn't make a good first impression, doesnt mean that they are good at heart and with their intentions. Sometimes, we judge people a little to harshly on the way we saw them the first time or how we think that they act, you shouldnt ever judge anyone because you will never know their full story and what they have been through, the emotions that they have felt. This generation is way to quick to judge. We weren't taught the extent of judging a book by its cover, we had to learn the consquinces for ourself and some people haven't gotten that chance yet. We are fighting our own generation on things that we should be standing together on. Gays and lesbians are calling eachother fags, cock suckers, dykes and so much more and honestly gays don't need to be fighting each other because every day we fight the same battle of getting our rights equal to straight peoples'. If the community and government sees us fighting each other, we are never going to be fully respected and equal to straight people if we keep this up, we look ridiculous. We will never be taken seriously. And then there are rape victims arguing that their story is more important, both stories are equally important and maybe if you would stop fighting, you could talk to each other and the pain could start to go away because you won't be alone. Then, we have girls that are pregnant getting looked down on and a bunch of crap from girls who aren't pregnant but if we think about it, it could happen to us just as easily. These girls are going to be mothers, they are going to be taking care of two people instead of just one, they are going to need help and support but no we just tell them that they are sluts and whore and are going to be terrible mothers. That is the worse thing in the entire world, these young mothers need to feel like they have support and being told that they are going to be a terrible mother is not going to make the decsion of keeping their beautiful child any easier.
There is so much wrong in this world with my generation, I am taking responsibility right now and saying that I have not been the perfect person, I have said things to people that I shouldn't have, I have tried to hurt someone because I was pissed at them, I tried to make things for certain people harder than life already was. I see that my actions were wrong and I am sincerly sorry that I did not make the smartest chooses in the past month or so. I wish that I could take back some of the things that I said but I know that I can't. I know that all I can do is apologize, learn from my mistakes and make sure to not repeat lessons that I have already learned and I have to pray that one day the people that I have done wrong can forgive me. I know that I don't deserve forgiveness but I will pray that they can look past it one day because holding grudges and holding on to the past like that can be harmful to ones mental and emotionally stability. Life is tough but we have to be tougher and work together because that will make life that much eaiser.

"You can't live in the past because it is already forgotten.
You shouldn't live in the future because tomorrow is granteed.
You must live in the present because it's not going to pause or stop for you, it will continue on.
And you have to believe in love and forgiveness because it could be just what saves your life. "

                                                                    -Enemy of my soul.

-Enemy Of My Soul.

This will be the last one about you. This is a promise.

Dont let people get to you. They can't pull the trigger if you don't hand them the gun. -me.

You have gotten to be long enough, your words have taunted me for way to long. I have to completly destroy you from my life, forget the first time that I saw you to the last time that I saw you. I have to destroy every happy feeling you allowed me to feel as you slowly took control of my life. You controlled me for to long. You only allowed me to feel happy when it was something about us. If I was going out or to see friends, I felt like shit, I know that it didnt stop me from doing what I wanted to but my pleading that I didnt want you talking to your ex obviously meant nothing considering you slept with her at least three times that I can recall. I was just a player in your silly games. And you were just a pawn in my game.
The truth is at first I was using you, I didn't want to be with you completely, I wasn't thrilled about holding your hand or kissing you in public. You were an experiment that I fell in love with, I won't lie, I fell in love with you but I fell just as fast out of it as in. You thought I was cheating and lying to you, I know that I wasn't always 110% honest with you but I never once lied majorly to you. I never once lied to hurt you without you knowing it was a lie, because we got into some nasty fights and I lied to make it seem like while you were out slumming it up with her, I was out doing the same just with random girls. We both hurt each other, you just take it to far a lot of the time, you tired to control every aspect of my life from who's number I have in my phone to who I talk to at school. You got upset with me when I became friends with anyone new. You read my txt message and my facebook. You were constantly showing up randomly, I loved seeing you then but looking back now, you were trying to make sure that I knew that I couldn't do anything unfaithful because you could show up at any time. You made damn sure that I was under your control. You intimdated me, you used my personal health against me, you broke my self esteem. You think that I don't know how you felt when I broke up with you for FMB girl, well I know a worse feeling, finding out you were cheated on a lot in a relationship that you thought was pretty solid, that you are worthless to the person you love and says that they love you too. I know the feeling of not mattering enough to you, that I was never enough, that I couldn't be someone you wanted. I always felt that I had to be someone that you would like and not myself. I felt worse then being broken up with, at least I had enough respect for you to end it before cheating, because I knew that if I could want to just hook up with some one, I didnt deserve the person I thought I knew. But I guess that it wouldn't have mattered because you never cared about being with me in the first place. I swear you just didnt want to be alone and you weren't sure that you were going to be back with your ex any time soon.
I know that we fought and had bad times but I believe that something was there when you werent trying to be in contol, when you knew that I was already under you. The week or so before FMB, I think that it was something true, something that could have been a lot but just because for the moment it felt right, never makes it right. Or when I was sick and you still came over, we have some good memories, but that is all they are and will ever be memories just fading away.
You meant the world to me once but it was just an elusion of what I wanted. We both promised each other things that we knew would never happen. Things didn't work out, 99% of relationships in your lifetime won't work out. We didn't last but it moved us into the correct directions.
We both need to move on and just leave the other alone because if we are both finally happy after the struggles in our relationship and what not, we both deserve to be happy and alive. I am glad that you have someone that you want to be with and they make you happy, I know that the waters are rough right now and I would rather just forgive and forget it all, just erase you from my life. and you if you are reading this which you probably are... I dont know why but you should do the same, erase me and my friends that bother you, you dont need the stress and the drama, you have a lot more to worry about. I also dont have to time bash you all the time or once in a blue moon. I don't have time for you. I don't need you nor do I want you and your girlfriend in my life.

-Enemy Of My Soul.

Random Thoughts thru-out my day. Words to live by.

• You may have created my past, changed my present, but you will have no control over my future.
• You only have one life, so don’t spend it focusing on what others want to see, focus on what you want to be.
• Smile and let everyone know that you’re a lot stronger today than you were yesterday.
• You can't give up because the beggining is always the hardest, and the end will be such a reward.
• People keep telling me I've changed, I haven't changed, I've just stopped pretending all the time.
• You have to live for the moment not the memory you think it will bring you.
• This is MY life, These are MY choices, MY mistakes are MY mistakes to make and live with, It's all MINE, and It's not your or anyone elses damn business.
• It’s not what happens to you that matters most. It’s how you feel about what happens to you.
• Smile. A language even babies understand. It cost nothing but it creates much. It happens in a flash but the memory of it may last forever. 
• I don't give a damn, what you think, I am doing this for me. So fuck the world.
• There are 6.97 billion people in the world. Why let one ruin your life?
• What is more important; what we became or how we got there?
• Open your mind before your mouth.

Just some random stuff through out the past few days.

I am worthless. It's always my fault... I can't do anything right. You win. You have broken me. Just leave me alone now.

Speak The Truth, Even If Your Voice Shakes.

The Truth, That is such a difficult subject for many people including me. Some times you feel that a lie is easier then telling the truth or that the truth will be to hard for the person, the world to hear but in the long run, lies complicate everything, you have to remember every detail of the lie, you can't slip up. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said.
So here we go, the truth, The truth is that I get these random burst of happiness but in reality that is all they are, they are not a sign of recovery. I am still going to cry myself to sleep every night. I am still going to take every word that every single person has said to me and analyze it for days, let it tear me apart, it's just part of me, its who I am. I have shrived to be perfect  for my brother and my mother for so long that I feel that I have to be perfect for everyone and considering I can't do that, I always feel like I have failed in some way, shape or form. There is never a day where I don't feel like shit because I didn't do something correctly or I didn't help as many people as I could. I have the hardest time being happy and just letting the good in the day take over, I have to always do everything I can in a day, and most of the time, I don't have enough time to do everything that I should have done. So some nights, I don't sleep because that gives me all 24 hours of the day and still I don't complete everything I wish I could have.

Next Truth, I am addicted to cutting. It is getting worse not better... I may not do it as often any more but when I do take out the little blade for play time, I go at it with no intention of stopping but something in my mind always whispers to stop before its to late and I dont have the chance to prove everyone wrong. I would love to take y own life, self assistant but if I do that, it solves my problems but it cause hell for the people on earth that care about me, there may not be many but the ones that do would blame themselves, they would sit for hours and wonder what they could have done differently, why they didnt see me screaming out for help silently. If I take my own life, it causes problems for to many people and that would make my death, not what I want, I want my life ending to solve all of the problems that it can, and taking my own life would be selfish and it wouldnt help a damn person but myself, So even though I would like to slit my throat, throw myself of a bridge or a building, take as many pills as I can buy, I can't. I have to suffer through the hell that is my life and make myself look happy because even though I feel like shit and that death would be great, it would cause an imbalance in the universe and I wouldnt be helping a single soul besides maybe Taylor, because she would rather me take my last breathe really soon, her life would be ten million times better with out me breathing the same air as her, she wishes that I was dead, and if my death wouldnt upset things, she would get her wish, she still might. I havent decided yet. I have time obviously, I apparently have an entire life time.
Next Truth, I don't care if people have a problem with me because that means I am doing something right. I did something that pissed off someone else, and that means I am doing it right. It means I am living for me (slightly). It means that I have made a wave in the calm waters and you wont get any where in life just by floating on a calm sea, some times you have to make a wave to get somewhere.
There are so many truths that I could put on here but I will save them for another article because I am about to pass out. My Junior Year is going to be the death of me.

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.