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Thursday, May 10, 2012

Crying, cold, lost and leaping.


I feel like I am losing you. We have all this time together and yet it feels like we are a thousand miles apart. You dont kiss me like you use to, you dont look at me how you did that first night... You dont look at me the way you did that first night before I kissed you. I know that i havent been out of boxers and i dont do my hair, i throw it up and leave be and i know im not wearing make up or jewerly and i am sorry that im not pretty and that i cant keep your attention. I dont want sex every night I dont really want it at all right now in your house but i want the attention, the maybe it could happen, I want the passion in our kiss, I want a moment alone where we are actually some what close. Where you can kiss me without the want of stopping. I want that knees weak breath taking kiss that you gave me just a week ago. 
I just feel like we are falling apart as a couple. We havent just done something cute and couple like in forever. I just want to have a fucking picnic with you or something. Smoking a cigarette outside isnt enough. I am sorry but I want that romantic relationship at times. I never want to lose the passion the love the looks the touch the everything. I feel like I am asking for to much. you are getting sick and everyone else is sick and Im just over here all lost and confused on what i am even going to do with my life. I dont have a job i am not going to school. Im lost and hurting and you want to help it all go away but you cant because no matter how well you treat me i am always going to feel like it would be better if I were dead. I sit here and cry and I feel like I am turning into a failure. I am nothing. worthless. stupid. far from perfect. far from anything that I want to be. I am failing as a daughter, my mom used to mean so much to me, she used to be my best friend and i dont know what happened. I lost her and I lost who i was. I dont know how to find myself and i dont know how to recreate myself like i normally do. I am so close to you but I still feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. I have no connection to paige. I barely think about tj. Im losing everything and soon enough i will have lost you and when that happens... Everything and everyone will lose me. Ill be six feet under. There will be no second thoughts no time to think. I will be gone, it wont take a few days to do it wont take a few hours, ill be gone in minutes. moments. seconds. I dont know where I am to go with this writing any more so i am going to shut up and go to sleep next to you. I am going to wipe away the tears, make it look like nothing happened. 
-breaking suffocation.