I'm done with it.

I'm physically and emotionally done with the stress and anxiety of this court situation. I'm done worrying if I am going to end up in prison or jail. I'm done I'm just done. Like I want to just plea out to what ever the state has to offer. The last offer was 18 months prison and than three years paper. Maybe I deserve it maybe my actions need to be payed for with prison maybe I followed to closely to others and my debt is prison. Maybe it's a lesson of how strong I can really be. Maybe it's to teach me I only need myself and I don't need to be so dependent on others. Maybe prison is for me to learn things about myself that I can't see. Maybe I'm not as good as a person as I once thought I was. All these maybes, I can remember when I didn't live by maybes or what ifs I guess that's what got me in trouble living in the moment and not giving a hoot about tomorrow but now I can barely live today because I'm focused on tomorrow and court. I can't do anything but live in this nothingness because chances are I'm going to be locked up stripped of my freedom and boxed in with just my guilt and my emotions. I'm going to be lost in my thoughts with no way to rid them. No razors no lighters and safety pins to pin my flesh no clothes that define my personality just one solid color orange maybe blue I don't know what prison colors are for females and my crimes that I so willingly followed others to commit put me at a high risk I think that's red. I don't know but my tears aren't going to be accepted in there no one to hold my hand no shoulder to lean on. No marissa or Kevin jr. To brighten my day. Stone walls and solid colors. No outlet for creativity no outlet at all. A cell a metal bunk and a toilet I won't use. I'll die in there. Broken battered and left for dead. I won't survive but who knows maybe the strength that I've been afraid to show will blossom. That sounds so beautiful inner strength blossoming but something so beautiful can't happen in a place that strips you of your dignity pride and all things that once defined you. I lose everything. My entire life will be put on hold because I couldn't lead myself I had to follow something I'd never done. Something that I swore I wouldn't do. I've always been on my own independent and when I did have friends I lead them. I was in the lead with Tj by my side. But than Emily and Peter stepped so gently in my life and turned everything I was into something I wasn't. I did things to fit in to prove that I wasn't a fragile glass doll and yet still I was treated like this little girl. I objected and that wasn't okay they sweet talked everything and made it sound so innocent and that's we're they got me. But now I sit here tears in my eyes and the need for another cigarette with this overbearing sense that I could have stopped this all I could have made a choice I had a choice but you know, the love I thought was there took control. I gave up everything for one person and now I'll have to pay for choosing the wrong person for loving all the wrong people for holding on to something that I knew was wrong. Maybe even the thought of prison in my future made me change just a little but yet why make a life with school and a job and a boyfriend when all ill have in the end is a prison sentence and the cops watching me for years. But maybe I can stop it all maybe the thought of death sounds a little bit sweeter. Prison puts everything on hold. I'll get out get a job paying min. Wage maybe ill get my dogs back and what live with my mom again but I couldn't because she wants a life in Philly with her son that doesn't cause her heartache her son that made something I him self the right way. I can't ask her to stay and both my grandparents they don't have much time left if they pass away while I'm serving my time I won't be able to live with myself. I'll waste away inside wither like a dead rose but not as beautiful or as graceful. I'll downward spiral to the point of no return. I broke my moms heart. I broke my dads heart. And my grandparents moved down here to be with me and I barely pay them any attention and I won't be able to locked away in a box with the key thrown out. I'm wasting away right now with a smile on my face. Maybe signing prison time won't be so bad after all. Maybe signing will release the tension in my head the pain in my gut. The scars on my body. I'm done I can't anymore. Six days of freedom six days to fret and tie up some lose ends. Six days to have freedom well if you can call this insanity that I have freedom.


-breaking suffocation. (Well maybe I'm just suffocating)

So ever feel...

Ever feel like they want you just to themselves. Like they think that if you are out there with other people they will lose you. Well I'm sick of feeling like I'm a fragile doll that can't go any where because everyone flocks to me and it will be over whelming and I just might so happen to like some one other than who I'm with. No if I'm with you I'm with you and no one else unless you smoother me and don't let me be around anyone else. But to the reason of writing this I'm getting this feeling that either kels doesn't want me to be around other people cause he might lose me or that he doesn't want his friends or coworkers to meet me because maybe he's embarrassed to be with me. I mean I'm seven years younger than him I'm not able to legally drink and I'm not really you know the hottest girl and maybe he doesn't want to be seen because he should have a hotter girl by his side than me. But like he tells me all the time in beautiful and what not but maybe I'm just pussy and gettin me a phone and all the shit he does is so he can keep my tight wet pussy around and he can get it whenever he wants. Plus I clean and do pretty much whatever he wants to do with no complaints. I had a car so free rides but now I can get my moms car and once again free rides. He's in good with my brother now so like if I'm just a fucking piece of ass it's gonna hurt my mom my brother marissa Kevin jr. It's gonna effect more people than just me. I could handle it just hurting me but my family loves him so I hope that for lords sake that he isn't playing me and that he just didn't want to go to that party for some reason like he's tired or something cause right now it so feels like he doesn't want to be seen with me by his friends. Idk I'm just blah and tired and probably over thinking a lot of shit. But I guess I'll just go to sleep and worry about this another day.

-breaking suffocation