As long as one heart is holding on, hope is never really gone.

I miss you, I thought that I can have fun with other girls and mess around, do as I please but every time I touch someone else, I feel guilty. I feel as if I am betraying you... Like you know and that is why you are not around. I know that it is stupid to miss you and want to be back with you, everyone thinks I am crazy but I am sure that I was meant for more with you. I fell in love with you, It only took a short amount of time, I believe that is crazy but I feel it in my heart, I know that I felt something. I just want to finish what we started because I think that you didnt truly want to end it. I need you to flip out on me, tell me that you dont want anything to do with me, or I want you to tell me that it wasnt the end, that it isnt over, it was just not the right time. I need to figure out if I am hoping for nothing, if every dream is wasted, if the thoughts of something more are stupid.

The Reasons Why...

There are a thousand reasons why I do what I do... I do it because I can't handle the stress any longer, I do it because I bottle everything up and than when I do finally need to just let it all out, I cry, I cry so much it hurts to even breathe after and I feel like I am finally gone...Dead but I soon jolt back to reality and i am still alive, breathing but I still feel dead. So to find out if I am gone or not, I cut. People would think one cut would show that but no not for me, I have to just keep going to get to the point where I cant breathe, I cant move, I am cold and almost ready to let go, I am on the edge. I am two seconds away from death... and in that moment I know that each cut or burn is just practice so when I finally am ready to let it all go, I will have practiced to find the perfect way to end it fast. It will be painful but I always enjoyed pain, it makes things better. I cut to feel, I cut to hold in my anger, I cut to understand who I am, I cut because I dont know who I am, I cut to learn to trust, I cut to remember, I cut to smile, I cut because people constantly tell me that I am worthless, that i am fat, ugly, a whore, I cut to rid myself of my fears, I cut to rid myself of the spit that comes at me. I cut because the pressure to do everything perfectly is to much on my shoulders, I cut because I cant be perfect, I cut because my mother sees me slipping away from the good child I used to be, she sees me falling apart and she knows that she cant do anything to help. I cut because I disappoint everyone in my life including myself, I cut because I am not good enough. I cut to get rid of my demons. I cut because its the one thing I can control. I cut because it helps me. I cut because everyone tells me that i will never make it. I cut because the voices tell me to. I cut because there isnt anything else to do. I cut because one day those cuts will be proof that I surivived for so long but just couldnt hold on any longer, I cut because my family is starting to think that I am a just like my prison bound brothers. I cut because it hids the truth. I cut because no one wants to hear your problems, so my skin can deal with the pain. I cut because I dont know who I am. I cut because nothing else is ever enough. I cut becasue it all builds up inside me every word or action I wish i did when I had the chance, every time I got walked all over because I was to afraid to do anything back, it builds up so much that I could have done something and i wouldnt get messed with but no, so I cut. I cut I cut I cut and I cut some more, I sit there and watch the blood stream out, I watch the red river sliver down my leg, the crimson dying my skin for a moment, that brings me peace, that makes me know that I can fight just one more day. I live to see another day where blood is trailing down my body. Causing myself pain is my way of telling myself that if i can crave into my own skin than one day ill have the power to stand up for myself, before my body turns limp and lifeless. That day, I will write a note just one and it will give who ever finds my cold drained body directions and if they follow them, the truth will be told, i have planned my death over and over but I always knew that I would care about more than one person, so one letter wouldnt do, I wrote letters through out my entire life, since I could write, I wrote stories of a happy princess to decieve everyone, I wrote tragic death poems at age 6, the age i knew that I wouldnt survive longer than high school graduation. I cut the first time when I was 7, my parents were screaming, I couldnt handle it, I covered my ears but I couldnt block it out, I grabbed a pair of sissors and sliced my tummy, it blocked out all of the sound, I just sat there and watch as the blood dripped out of my tummy, so peaceful and beautiful, it was like magic... It was something I was going to do often because mom and dad always fought and I could never get rid of the sound until that day, it all went quiet and I could only hear the weaping I was letting out softly. That was the start... I thought that one day it would end. At age six, I had cutting sessions, I started out with just one slice every couple of weeks, than it went to once a week, than it was every few days and it wasnt just one cut any more it was numerous ones at once, it felt better and better with each added slice. The addiction began before I turned seven. And now I cant stop, I cut when things are good, i cut when things are bad, I cut when nothing is going on. I do it out of habit now, not because I need it but because I want that moment of silence, that moment were I go deaf for a second and the entire world is just shut out. It is freedom and I fly with the birds...it seems. I cut because for me its my only relief. I cut because no one understands and these days talking just hurts, to sit in a classroom and breathe hurts, every step, every motion, every word it all just hurts me inside, it is killing me slowly and I just want to be gone fast, without the acheing and dragged out delay. I want it to be time to take the box cutter hidden in my room to both my wrist, my thighs, down my legs... across my stomach than last clear across my throat. After swolling loads of pills. So if I dont bleed out fast enough for my liking at least I will be tripping balls... than the overdose will take my life with convulsing seizures and vomit pouring from the cut in my throat... It wont be a pretty sight but it will do the job and I will have been sure to hire a cleaning company to clean the mess up three days after, so my poor mother doesnt have to scrub away her only daughters blood... I might even do this outside, so its not a big mess... I cut now so that one day I will have the strenght to kill myself.

The Games Have Begun.

First, everyone I ever talk to the first thing i tell them is I hate liars, and to not lie to me because I always find things out, I am a hacker for goodness sake. I can get all your secrets in an hour depending on where I am retieving information from. But anyway, If I date you than I have one request and that is to not lie to me ever, no matter what it is, I always want to know the truth from you because you matter. Some people dont seem to understand that. Some people still try to lie to me but dont cover it up very well at all. In fact they post shit that i am obviously not supposed to see on tumblr. You do have to realize at some point, that tumblr all I have to do is follow you and all of your secrets are unraveled. I dont understand how people are allowed to be that stupid, there has to be some common sense in people and yet I get shocked every day.
But, anyway when you lie to me over and over again to my face, expect the worse because after I find out the truth, I am quiet, I am nice, I am as fake as you are being to me. And after I get you right where i need you, thats when you are in the danger zone, you are in for the worse and I will completely shred you as a person, you will wish that you had never said the first lie you said to me, than you will be wishing that you never lied a single day in your life. I am blunt, I am dangerous, I am lethal. I can be your favorite dream or your worse nightmare. You pick what you see and if you lie, welcome to hell because everything you thought you knew is going to be turned upside down. Everything that was once so solid in your life, you will question it. I put people in their rightful place. I knock you down to size and make you think that everything you are doing is wrong. You learn what you really are and that you arent allowed to talk shit and not get hit. You learn that you cant cheat and lie without a price. You dont just get away with things... if you are dealing with me.
I have let to many people walk all over me and ruin me but not ever again, I am strong and I can hold on.
My past was weak, I didnt know that I could be stronger than anyone else, I thought my place was to just sit back and let anything happen, I can be hurt, i deserve to be hurt but no, I dont, I deserve more than a just a lowlife liar and cheater. I deserve way better than a lot of things that I date but my mind is now only on Audrey, winning her back will give me the world and well I want the world back. I want that feeling she gives me back.
But anyway again, this is war, the battle has begun and I shall be the victor because they cant lie their way out of the evidence. Plus, I am out for blood... Its a rap. Play with it. Rotate.
Buhahahaha. My devious mind is cooking up the best plans. :)

-Breaking Suffocation... (who is going slightly crazy.)

Breaking down but not giving up.

No one seems to understand that I do not like Taylor for more than one reason. Everyone assumes that it is because she always steals my friends or who I am trying to get into something with but in reality they are wrong that is just a thing in the past. I have realized that if they went to her and left me in the dust than it is their loss, I can do better and it wasnt meant to be in the first place... She takes away the waste of time for me. I have less work to do and still find out that they werent my friend for me or didnt like me more than a friend. She makes finding true people really easy, I like that. I dont like her because she has gone behind my back and talked shit but than used me as a cover so she could see Brittney and didnt tell me that I was supposed to be with her. I dont like her because she lies to get her way, she manipulates, she uses and does what ever it takes to get her way. I know that I do a lot to get my way but I never throw people completely under the bus to make my life better. She aggravates me because she doesnt see how easy she has, she may have to deal with family being ridiculous but who doesnt. She could be doing so much more but she doesnt see it at all. I hate that she doesnt get that she has a way to college of her dreams where ever it may be. I hate that she didnt learn that her parents will take everything away when she disobeys them, she just keeps doing what she got in trouble with because she thinks that if her parent realize she will just keep doing it then they will stop with the punishment. I hate that she thinks she can live on her own but never really will have to. I hate that she takes everything for granted. I hate that she turned on my sister, I know that sounds stupid, but she broke down my sister and I picked up as many pieces as I could but I knew all she wanted was her best friend there mending her wounds. I had to watch my little sister grow up alone because I wasnt close enough to her, I had to watch her eyes turn cold about friendships. She lost her sense of trust weither she says it or now, I see it, I feel it, I hear it in her voice. She is still sad about it, she has moved on but I dont doubt that there are times when all she wants to do is talk to her best friend and her best friend left her, abandoned her and than blamed her for the friendship falling apart. Taylor wanted time with Brittney, Paige respected that but Paige didnt respect every once of taylor going into Brittney who was sucking the taylor she knew away.  I dont like taylor because when she was needed most all she did was care about herself and seeing the one who she loves even though she tells everyone that she wants nothing to do with the girl anymore. She still strings the girl on though telling her that she loves her and wants things to work out but the only reason why she says these lies to Brittney is because she doesnt want to be alone, she has no where else to turn besides Baliegh and Baliegh doesnt like anything gay, what a best friend that is. Taylor is scared that after Brittney is gone, every one else is too... She will have no where to go and she will be alone... Taylor may not say this out loud but she is thinking it because every self centered person needs someone there to reassure them that they are beautiful and wonderful and amazing etc.
Taylor has to learn to love herself single without the constant one person being there, she has to accept who she is and if she doesnt like who she is, she can reinvent herself. Tomorrow is a new beginning.

No one understand what taylor is or has done. No one takes the time to look at her and see past the manipulation. But if you did, you would see the monster she is inside...

-Breaking Suffocation.

This Feeling of Failure Isn't Disappearing...

I cant help but feel every thing, every little thing, the simple things that people dont think will have any effect have the biggest effect. I see the beauty in the world that others dont. I feel things ten times the way other people feel.
And right now, I am feeling this never ending reminder of failure, every where I turn someone asks how SCTI is or I see the school while driving or the students that attended there and here walk the halls in the uniform that i once wore so well, and I want to scream so loud, I want to snap on everyone who asks about my progress in the program. I just want to scream I FAILED, I COULD NOT DO IT. I WASNT GOOD ENOUGH. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Why cant i let go?

You are always on my mind. From when I wake up to when I fall asleep. You visit me in my dreams and I just can't shake that I actually feel in love with you. I'm not giving up on you, I can't. Everyone tells me to never stop fighting for what you love and I wont stop fighting til I have no fight left in me at all. You are what I want and I'm not sure how because you continue to break my heart yet I stick around because I keep hoping that one day you will stick around too. You have my heart, you stole it and haven't given it back... I don't want it back I want you to have it but I also want to have your heart. I'm slowly starting to believe ill never have your heart again though. I love you.

-breaking suffocation. 

Stop assuming you know how I feel.

 You think that you know exactly what I feel towards you all the time, and if you did you would realize I am helplessly in love with you. You would see that I want you back, I want us to be together. But today I had to tell you that I couldnt stick around, I cant watch you be with someone else, or want to be with someone else. I cant help you through all of your problems with that person. I cant just sit around and make this idea in my head that maybe if i help you enough you will see that I am the one who actually loves you and only wants the best for you. I cant hope that one day you will finally see that I have loved you from the very first day. I cant even write this right now because you just left for six months and now there isnt even a chance for me to just pass you in the mall randomly or see you at all. I just need to see you sometimes because it brings back everything that has ever happened. I am so sick of losing in this damn game that you play with me. I just want to finally win and i cant ever. baby, i miss you but i will never have you again and that makes me just want to scream.  I know that you left to figure everything out and focus on you but I just want you back in my arms. I want lay in bed with you and watch cheesy movies and hold you tight when we watch scary movies and fuck you right when we stop watching the movie. I want to just to want me back but I cant do anything about it ever. I have to give up all of these feelings that I have stored away for you. I have to throw away all the memories because I cant keep living in a fantasy world where one day we will be together. It wont happen. It cant because you always break my heart.

I love you Taylor. I do. I would drop the world for you, i would give everything up for just one more chance with you. I dont know why i suddenly am feeling this so strong. but I am and I have to learn to live with the fact that I cant talk or see you for six months, this is my choice but I hate it. I want to talk to you every day. I want to skype and see you. Okay I cant write anymore about this, its tearing me apart.

Im suffocating with all these emotions inside me.


I wish i could actually be
-Breaking suffocation.

I am not okay, but I will be fine.

So, I know that I was going to be writing on here all the time and that I promised on break that I would write but I just got caught up in unimportant bullshit and didnt realize that I had forgotten where I came from. But going to Philly even though i didnt figure it out right away, it only took a huge physical fight with my brother to make me realize that family use to mean everything to me, my roots use to be the world to me, Philly is my home, its where my family is, its where I belong regardless of what every one says. I love my family and they have always been the first thing in my life and I pushed them to the side and didnt even notice that I had abandoned the only people that will stick by me no matter what, they are attached to me til the end. they have no choice, I have no choice but thats okay because I wouldnt trade one for all the riches in the world, it would never be the same. 

 I am glad that I went up to Philly and had my head straightened out, family is first everyone else is second, no one can change that. I love my family. They are me... They are why I am the way I am. 

I want to write more but I dont have much time, I think that tonight, I will try and get back on and write about what is going on in my love life that is very fucking complicated and all I want to do is just scream and find new friends and new people... 

Audrey is still on my mind... I am not sure why, I am not sure i am even okay with this. :/ 

-Breaking Suffocation.