- Get good grades.
- Join at least 3 clubs.
- Play at least 1 sport.
- Volunteer at the animal shelter.
- Volunteer at the library.
- Rent a beach house for spring break with a couple of friends and party!!!
Um I will update this later, I can't seem to think of things I would like to do.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Junior Year Bucket List
Friday, July 29, 2011
I may look calm... But on the inside I am freaking out.
School starts in 23 days, I love school, I love to learn, I love to see my friends.
Its my junior year and every thing is suddenly so real. My future is right around the corner, This year my grades count majorly. This year I will look at colleges and take my SAT's. This year is all pressure and it's hit me.
I am not good at anything. I have no talent that I shine at, that people refer to when they talk about me. I am not going any where in my life. I have dreams but they are just that dreams. My imagination thinks I am better than what I truly am. I'm just an average, maybe a below average girl. There is nothing about me that sparkles and says that I am going any where.
I am terrified to go back to school. I have chosen to be duel enrolled in a college program that I am not ready for at all. This college program is making me sick to my stomach. What if i fail. What if Im not good enough and cant keep my grades up? I am scared. I just want to hid in the shadows, I want to run away from it all. If I fail, I will disappoint my entire family, I will just prove to them that i really am not as smart as i seem. that I am not everything they think I am.
My brother made a deal with me, that if I get a job then I get a car, he pays for it, I just have to pay insurance and gas... most people would be thrilled and looking for a job, getting one and getting their new car... I am not thrilled. I am apprehensive to this. what if I get a job then I suck at it, i am not good with people. I dont think I could handle taking orders then bringing back the food that is so repulsive, not happening.
Everyone asks why i dont get a job at publix or sweet bay or a restaurant... I hate food, I hate looking at it, smelling it, eating it, throwing it up, playing with it, I hate it. I dont want to work with something I hate. I hate it though because I am scared of it. Scared that if I let food in it will never go away, I will eat myself into a nine hundred pound freak. I can not work with any sort of food.. If I do I might end up killing myself. I would hate to go to work, I would get home and run miles because even just being around food makes me feel like im gaining weight.
Ugh, I hate myself. I know that I look calm, cool, and collected, like I have my shit together. I say I know what I want to do with my life, the college of my dreams has been chosen, where i want to live, how many kids i will be having, I even have their names. But thats all just a big lie. I have no idea what I want to be in life, I not sure that college is for me, I tell people I want to be close to family but in reality I want to be oceans away from the family that has made me feel like i have to be perfect and live up to my older brothers expectations, I dont want kids because I think that I will be a terrible parent and they will end up just like me, I wouldnt want anyone to end up like me. I wrote this picture perfect story of my future in my head and I let my family see it and adults that ask me about what i want in life. I made up this world where I am perfect to my family, I let them see this imaginary girl, I let them take her in and make her look real. I let everyone see that i am stable and that i am not afraid of anything, I can handle it all. I push myself until I feel that I might break and even then I still push to be perfect. I know that I will never truly be perfect because once high school is done and my fantasy world that i put up for everyone to look at and say wow, you really have it all planned out and Im so proud you know what you want and stupid comments like that, It will shatter. When it shatters, I plan to be around for no longer then a few moments. If anyone really saw what i wanted then they would be spending more time with me and working so hard to keep me alive, because the day I graduate is the last full day I will ever know. Its been my plan for some time now. I want my mom to be able to say that her daughter was smart and beautiful. I want to pass at least three of my brothers in school. But my plan since I was in 8th grade is the day after graduation, off myself, there really isnt anything I want to do. I am not going any where in life any way. I just need to finish high school for my mom. But then I have to live for me and I dont want to live. I dont even see why I was born, Im not good at anything, so I dont understand. But right now I am terrified for the last two years of my life. I am scared that I will fail and let my mom down and if that happens, I will not wait for graduation. I will be gone the day i screw up.
The stress of being perfect is ripping me apart inside. I am suffocating. I am slowly dying a little more and more each day.
That pretty smile that you always see, its just a prop that hides me.
-enemy of my soul.
Its my junior year and every thing is suddenly so real. My future is right around the corner, This year my grades count majorly. This year I will look at colleges and take my SAT's. This year is all pressure and it's hit me.
I am not good at anything. I have no talent that I shine at, that people refer to when they talk about me. I am not going any where in my life. I have dreams but they are just that dreams. My imagination thinks I am better than what I truly am. I'm just an average, maybe a below average girl. There is nothing about me that sparkles and says that I am going any where.
I am terrified to go back to school. I have chosen to be duel enrolled in a college program that I am not ready for at all. This college program is making me sick to my stomach. What if i fail. What if Im not good enough and cant keep my grades up? I am scared. I just want to hid in the shadows, I want to run away from it all. If I fail, I will disappoint my entire family, I will just prove to them that i really am not as smart as i seem. that I am not everything they think I am.
My brother made a deal with me, that if I get a job then I get a car, he pays for it, I just have to pay insurance and gas... most people would be thrilled and looking for a job, getting one and getting their new car... I am not thrilled. I am apprehensive to this. what if I get a job then I suck at it, i am not good with people. I dont think I could handle taking orders then bringing back the food that is so repulsive, not happening.
Everyone asks why i dont get a job at publix or sweet bay or a restaurant... I hate food, I hate looking at it, smelling it, eating it, throwing it up, playing with it, I hate it. I dont want to work with something I hate. I hate it though because I am scared of it. Scared that if I let food in it will never go away, I will eat myself into a nine hundred pound freak. I can not work with any sort of food.. If I do I might end up killing myself. I would hate to go to work, I would get home and run miles because even just being around food makes me feel like im gaining weight.
Ugh, I hate myself. I know that I look calm, cool, and collected, like I have my shit together. I say I know what I want to do with my life, the college of my dreams has been chosen, where i want to live, how many kids i will be having, I even have their names. But thats all just a big lie. I have no idea what I want to be in life, I not sure that college is for me, I tell people I want to be close to family but in reality I want to be oceans away from the family that has made me feel like i have to be perfect and live up to my older brothers expectations, I dont want kids because I think that I will be a terrible parent and they will end up just like me, I wouldnt want anyone to end up like me. I wrote this picture perfect story of my future in my head and I let my family see it and adults that ask me about what i want in life. I made up this world where I am perfect to my family, I let them see this imaginary girl, I let them take her in and make her look real. I let everyone see that i am stable and that i am not afraid of anything, I can handle it all. I push myself until I feel that I might break and even then I still push to be perfect. I know that I will never truly be perfect because once high school is done and my fantasy world that i put up for everyone to look at and say wow, you really have it all planned out and Im so proud you know what you want and stupid comments like that, It will shatter. When it shatters, I plan to be around for no longer then a few moments. If anyone really saw what i wanted then they would be spending more time with me and working so hard to keep me alive, because the day I graduate is the last full day I will ever know. Its been my plan for some time now. I want my mom to be able to say that her daughter was smart and beautiful. I want to pass at least three of my brothers in school. But my plan since I was in 8th grade is the day after graduation, off myself, there really isnt anything I want to do. I am not going any where in life any way. I just need to finish high school for my mom. But then I have to live for me and I dont want to live. I dont even see why I was born, Im not good at anything, so I dont understand. But right now I am terrified for the last two years of my life. I am scared that I will fail and let my mom down and if that happens, I will not wait for graduation. I will be gone the day i screw up.
The stress of being perfect is ripping me apart inside. I am suffocating. I am slowly dying a little more and more each day.
That pretty smile that you always see, its just a prop that hides me.
-enemy of my soul.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Not risking, not falling.
I sit here and tell myself not to think of her, yet, I still do and I sit here wondering if she ever thinks of me too.
I know that people make mistakes, We are only human.
I also know that I will always be the first one to forgive.
But I will never forget what you did. My trust will never be fully repaired.
I choose to always see the good in people. This gets me into trouble all the time.
I get used and walked all over but I will sit there and say that I am sorry and that all is forgiven.
Right now in this moment I am so confused on how I am not reeling into an uproar and throwing shit against a wall.
When people get dumped after there significant other "hooked up" with someone more attractive, closer and probably all around better then you, they are out raged. But Me, No I am not. I am content with knowing that she found someone else that has something that is better then me. I know this sounds a bit ridiculous, but if someone finds someone else that gives them something you cant, be happy that person found them because they never really would have had it all in your relationship. This may sound completely absurd but please take a second and think about it. You may not like the fact that you lost someone who you thought was perfect for you but it is just one less person to finding your soul mate. But anyway this is not what this rant is about. Its about that fact that I can NOT get Audrey off my mind.
Its almost like I am constantly thinking of things Audrey would say or do in a situation. When I want to get something off my mind I write about it... Writing about Audrey only made me miss her more, I burned the pencil and paper i wrote on and with. If writing doesn't help i smoke, smoking makes me think about one thing and that is PARTY or well how to get even more fucked up, no one is on my mind... but there was Audrey sitting on my shoulder whispering words she use to say. So when writing and smoking are crossed off the list, I turn to alcohol, when I am drunk I am thinking about anything but my drama and my stress. I am carefree and as free as a bird, my thoughts don't get to me... But there was Audrey, her face was all i could see in everyone, I swore I heard her voice when people talked. I could not shake thinking about her, she was every where. I finally decided that I should just be high and listen to music, my escape from life, I could lay on my bed lost in the sound for days if I was allowed to do that... So got my iPod, the charger and some water and went to my room shut the door put my head phones on and was ready to be completely lost in another world but each and every song that came on I found a connection to Audrey, each lyric meant something and I found a way to link it to Audrey... She was every where, there was no escape besides sleeping, that would do it..I would sleep and dream of crazy shit, scary shit like always, no connections to anything in reality. So I thought that sleeping was my best option well I kind of had to considering it was the only thing left. It was literally my last resort, So I gave it a try, made the room extremely cold, because the colder the room the better chance of having a nightmare, and that is just what I needed. I fell into a deep slumber, the kind where you have the good vivid dreams, the dreams that when you wake up you feel like it wasn't a dream at all, you remember every part. Well the dreams I had there, I didn't want to remember when I woke up because it was no nightmare but I was starting to believe that Audrey was haunting me even in my sleep.
These dreams, I woke from them crying my eyes out, wishing and hoping that they had been true, that reality didn't suck still, that I was finally able to be in her arms with no complications named Taylor.
I dreamed of Audrey showing up at my house in the middle of the night, I am passed out, shes banging on the door. Mother answers and tell Audrey it would be best if she left, It was nothing against her but she didn't want to see her daughter with another broken heart. Audrey pleaded to my mom to let her stay the night, so that she could beg for forgiveness in the morning, that she knew that she had messed up. I heard her talking to my mom and i woke up, told my mom that it was okay that she could stay but we would be outside talking. My mom nodded kissed my forehead and said good night. Audrey and I talked for a little about everything that had happened, i forgave her. We then talked about everything and anything, I sang the song I wrote about her, well Its not about her, its more so about Fmb. But anyway all was good in this fantasy land that my unconscious mind cooked up. But soon that fairy tale came to an end as quickly as it began. I woke up, looked around expecting her to be right next to me, by my side but no I was alone in my house at 3 am. It took a total of 23 minutes for me to fall back into a deep slumber and the next dream I had didn't leave Audrey out like I would have liked it too. This one wasn't as bad as the first one, this one left out her apology, this one left out Taylors', this dream it was the dream of how I wish we would have been, there was no Taylor on either side, we got along and we were great friends but that all that we could be in this dream, this dream Audrey wanted things to move slower then slow. We held hands once the last night I was in Fmb... She came to see me a week after I left and our first kiss happened... in the rain... during a storm while we were stuck in a tent, Ethan in his tent, and Justin in the car. It was a kiss that made lightening strike the water behind us. This may have been completely unrelated but i still think it meant something. Then I woke up in tears again, 6 am and I did not plan on going back to bed, I had enough of Audrey, I couldn't have her, I cant have her. So therefore I don't want to think about her, talking about her blog about her, I don't want anything that has to do with her. I just wanted her gone. But then I had to go and send her a picture message and now I sit her dying inside as she say I miss you and I wish I had you back. Every time my phone lights up with her name I die on the inside, this sounds bad but me dying on the inside is good, its showing me that i am alive, something cutting only did. Audrey makes me feel emotions that I stored away, so i never had pain or actually happiness that could be shattered. She makes me feel all the emotions of the rainbow. (gay pun hehe) But i sit her longing for answers to questions I cant even put into words. Questions that will sit in my pretty little head for days, months, maybe even years going unanswered.
From day one, she has confused me but I stayed around to hopefully one day things would be clear.
Things have not cleared up, at one point the sky was a little less cloudy but a storm is moving in. Im lost at sea with this girl. My emotions are ranging from happy to sad to lost to livid to ecstatic to dazed.
I am lost at where I stand with her, I don't want what she wants from me. I don't know what else I have to give to her, shes took it all in round one.
Basically if Audrey showed up at my house and said Be my Girlfriend Again, I would look at the time write it down then kiss my girlfriend. I am clinically insane, I swear it I am. I have to be to want to be back with Audrey...
To forgive the way I do. To look past the bad and shitty situations and just see the good, I must be insane. There has to be something wrong with me. My brain is not wired right, a screw is loose or something. It must be, that is the only explanation.
-Enemy Of My Soul
I know that people make mistakes, We are only human.
I also know that I will always be the first one to forgive.
But I will never forget what you did. My trust will never be fully repaired.
I choose to always see the good in people. This gets me into trouble all the time.
I get used and walked all over but I will sit there and say that I am sorry and that all is forgiven.
Right now in this moment I am so confused on how I am not reeling into an uproar and throwing shit against a wall.
When people get dumped after there significant other "hooked up" with someone more attractive, closer and probably all around better then you, they are out raged. But Me, No I am not. I am content with knowing that she found someone else that has something that is better then me. I know this sounds a bit ridiculous, but if someone finds someone else that gives them something you cant, be happy that person found them because they never really would have had it all in your relationship. This may sound completely absurd but please take a second and think about it. You may not like the fact that you lost someone who you thought was perfect for you but it is just one less person to finding your soul mate. But anyway this is not what this rant is about. Its about that fact that I can NOT get Audrey off my mind.
Its almost like I am constantly thinking of things Audrey would say or do in a situation. When I want to get something off my mind I write about it... Writing about Audrey only made me miss her more, I burned the pencil and paper i wrote on and with. If writing doesn't help i smoke, smoking makes me think about one thing and that is PARTY or well how to get even more fucked up, no one is on my mind... but there was Audrey sitting on my shoulder whispering words she use to say. So when writing and smoking are crossed off the list, I turn to alcohol, when I am drunk I am thinking about anything but my drama and my stress. I am carefree and as free as a bird, my thoughts don't get to me... But there was Audrey, her face was all i could see in everyone, I swore I heard her voice when people talked. I could not shake thinking about her, she was every where. I finally decided that I should just be high and listen to music, my escape from life, I could lay on my bed lost in the sound for days if I was allowed to do that... So got my iPod, the charger and some water and went to my room shut the door put my head phones on and was ready to be completely lost in another world but each and every song that came on I found a connection to Audrey, each lyric meant something and I found a way to link it to Audrey... She was every where, there was no escape besides sleeping, that would do it..I would sleep and dream of crazy shit, scary shit like always, no connections to anything in reality. So I thought that sleeping was my best option well I kind of had to considering it was the only thing left. It was literally my last resort, So I gave it a try, made the room extremely cold, because the colder the room the better chance of having a nightmare, and that is just what I needed. I fell into a deep slumber, the kind where you have the good vivid dreams, the dreams that when you wake up you feel like it wasn't a dream at all, you remember every part. Well the dreams I had there, I didn't want to remember when I woke up because it was no nightmare but I was starting to believe that Audrey was haunting me even in my sleep.
These dreams, I woke from them crying my eyes out, wishing and hoping that they had been true, that reality didn't suck still, that I was finally able to be in her arms with no complications named Taylor.
I dreamed of Audrey showing up at my house in the middle of the night, I am passed out, shes banging on the door. Mother answers and tell Audrey it would be best if she left, It was nothing against her but she didn't want to see her daughter with another broken heart. Audrey pleaded to my mom to let her stay the night, so that she could beg for forgiveness in the morning, that she knew that she had messed up. I heard her talking to my mom and i woke up, told my mom that it was okay that she could stay but we would be outside talking. My mom nodded kissed my forehead and said good night. Audrey and I talked for a little about everything that had happened, i forgave her. We then talked about everything and anything, I sang the song I wrote about her, well Its not about her, its more so about Fmb. But anyway all was good in this fantasy land that my unconscious mind cooked up. But soon that fairy tale came to an end as quickly as it began. I woke up, looked around expecting her to be right next to me, by my side but no I was alone in my house at 3 am. It took a total of 23 minutes for me to fall back into a deep slumber and the next dream I had didn't leave Audrey out like I would have liked it too. This one wasn't as bad as the first one, this one left out her apology, this one left out Taylors', this dream it was the dream of how I wish we would have been, there was no Taylor on either side, we got along and we were great friends but that all that we could be in this dream, this dream Audrey wanted things to move slower then slow. We held hands once the last night I was in Fmb... She came to see me a week after I left and our first kiss happened... in the rain... during a storm while we were stuck in a tent, Ethan in his tent, and Justin in the car. It was a kiss that made lightening strike the water behind us. This may have been completely unrelated but i still think it meant something. Then I woke up in tears again, 6 am and I did not plan on going back to bed, I had enough of Audrey, I couldn't have her, I cant have her. So therefore I don't want to think about her, talking about her blog about her, I don't want anything that has to do with her. I just wanted her gone. But then I had to go and send her a picture message and now I sit her dying inside as she say I miss you and I wish I had you back. Every time my phone lights up with her name I die on the inside, this sounds bad but me dying on the inside is good, its showing me that i am alive, something cutting only did. Audrey makes me feel emotions that I stored away, so i never had pain or actually happiness that could be shattered. She makes me feel all the emotions of the rainbow. (gay pun hehe) But i sit her longing for answers to questions I cant even put into words. Questions that will sit in my pretty little head for days, months, maybe even years going unanswered.
From day one, she has confused me but I stayed around to hopefully one day things would be clear.
Things have not cleared up, at one point the sky was a little less cloudy but a storm is moving in. Im lost at sea with this girl. My emotions are ranging from happy to sad to lost to livid to ecstatic to dazed.
I am lost at where I stand with her, I don't want what she wants from me. I don't know what else I have to give to her, shes took it all in round one.
Basically if Audrey showed up at my house and said Be my Girlfriend Again, I would look at the time write it down then kiss my girlfriend. I am clinically insane, I swear it I am. I have to be to want to be back with Audrey...
To forgive the way I do. To look past the bad and shitty situations and just see the good, I must be insane. There has to be something wrong with me. My brain is not wired right, a screw is loose or something. It must be, that is the only explanation.
-Enemy Of My Soul
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
I really dont understand the world as much as I play it off. I dont get why the world is so cruel or how we cant end world hunger or find a way for peace. There are some things that I believe I will never understand, I will be okay with that in the end. But right now I know that tomorrow isnt guaranteed and that I should not be sitting around in the this weird messed up sad depressed mood.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
The letters you will never get.
I have always felt like i've never been good enough and every single person i have risked my heart for has proven that I am not good enough. Every one has cheated on me at least once. If I was enough then they wouldnt cheat or start talking to other girls, or even look at them. I would be the only girl they see, the only one they want to kiss every day. And if they get drunk without me they wont go sleep with someone else because they cant because they just want to see me, so they call me and tell me that they miss me and they wish i was with them. If I was enough then i wouldnt have to constantly worry that they could find someone better in a heartbeat.
Sometimes, I just want to disappear and never try to find anyone special because well its not worth it. I always end up hurt in the end. I believe that one day I will be living alone and content with a couple of dogs, I say dogs because quite frankly i believe i am the only lesbian that honestly hates cats. I cant stand them.
Right now I am young and I know that I dont need to find my soul mate, my true love but it would be great to have someone around that i can cuddle with, i can sing to and dance around with in my underwear.
I want to be completely goofy with someone but also be able to have a serious, a real conversation with. I want to be able to sit around on the couch and watch movies one day and the next go out to the beach and skim board, play volleyball or Frisbee, we can kick the soccer ball around too. I want someone who will not be comfortable with me attempting all the dangerous things I do but they will sit there scared and watch. I just want a girl who i can go skate with even though im not the greatest at it right now. They can laugh at me when I fall but i want them to help me up afterward too. I just want someone that i can be completely comfortable with, actually scratch that I want a girl that will pull me out of my comfort zone, a girl that makes me see that my comfort zone has no limits.
I know that this seems like i want my soul mate but i really dont i just want someone who wont cheat on me because they think that i am worth something.
All I really am asking for is someone who will stick by me and only me... they wont have girls or guys on the side, they just want me and thats good enough for them.
I have been cheated on by way to many people, yet i stuck by them because i thought it was a one time thing, I saw the good in them the side that makes me want them in my life so i forgive them. Well, I am done with seeing only the good, in a relationship you have to see that bad too but to make the relationship work you need to see past it, recognize it, know that it is there but dont make it the only thing you see in them.
-Enemy Of My Soul.
Sometimes, I just want to disappear and never try to find anyone special because well its not worth it. I always end up hurt in the end. I believe that one day I will be living alone and content with a couple of dogs, I say dogs because quite frankly i believe i am the only lesbian that honestly hates cats. I cant stand them.
Right now I am young and I know that I dont need to find my soul mate, my true love but it would be great to have someone around that i can cuddle with, i can sing to and dance around with in my underwear.
I want to be completely goofy with someone but also be able to have a serious, a real conversation with. I want to be able to sit around on the couch and watch movies one day and the next go out to the beach and skim board, play volleyball or Frisbee, we can kick the soccer ball around too. I want someone who will not be comfortable with me attempting all the dangerous things I do but they will sit there scared and watch. I just want a girl who i can go skate with even though im not the greatest at it right now. They can laugh at me when I fall but i want them to help me up afterward too. I just want someone that i can be completely comfortable with, actually scratch that I want a girl that will pull me out of my comfort zone, a girl that makes me see that my comfort zone has no limits.
I know that this seems like i want my soul mate but i really dont i just want someone who wont cheat on me because they think that i am worth something.
All I really am asking for is someone who will stick by me and only me... they wont have girls or guys on the side, they just want me and thats good enough for them.
I have been cheated on by way to many people, yet i stuck by them because i thought it was a one time thing, I saw the good in them the side that makes me want them in my life so i forgive them. Well, I am done with seeing only the good, in a relationship you have to see that bad too but to make the relationship work you need to see past it, recognize it, know that it is there but dont make it the only thing you see in them.
-Enemy Of My Soul.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
One day this will be yours.
She will be everything you need and want.
She will be silly and goofy with you but know when its time to be serious.
She will argue with you but the making up will be something you love.
She will probably do a lot of stuff that you have never tried and she will make you try some of it and at first you will be nervous about it but then you'll let go and find that your comfort zone doesnt have limits.
She will make you see the good in the world, she will bring a smile to your face with a simple hello.
She will be weird and awkward but with your weird and awkwardness you think you are it will be a perfect match.
She will show you that you are so much more then you think you are.
She will bring out the best of you and sometimes the worst in you but it will be worth it, you will feel it in your heart.
She will be perfect in your eyes and she will believe you are perfect to.
One day this will all be yours. <3
She will be silly and goofy with you but know when its time to be serious.
She will argue with you but the making up will be something you love.
She will probably do a lot of stuff that you have never tried and she will make you try some of it and at first you will be nervous about it but then you'll let go and find that your comfort zone doesnt have limits.
She will make you see the good in the world, she will bring a smile to your face with a simple hello.
She will be weird and awkward but with your weird and awkwardness you think you are it will be a perfect match.
She will show you that you are so much more then you think you are.
She will bring out the best of you and sometimes the worst in you but it will be worth it, you will feel it in your heart.
She will be perfect in your eyes and she will believe you are perfect to.
One day this will all be yours. <3
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
This distance is just a road bump.
So, I have had some of the best days that i have ever had with Audrey, every time she comes to see my I just get lost in everything that she is. I get lost in the fact that with her I am the happiest I have been in awhile in a few years actually. She makes me forget that I was once so lost in depression. The first time she came to me, she took me camping with Justin, Ethan and her... That was something else. I had so much fun though. Then we went to the mall and the beach and that day i could help but smile the entire time besides when we got breakfast in IHOP.. but still that day was kind of perfect well I thought that things couldnt get any better but then she came the next Friday and I became her girlfriend at 4:59pm in Burger King. <3 This literally made me want to jump up and down. I finally could call her my girlfriend and with how much i like her i cant see her as just a friend.
I want her to be not only my girlfriend but my best friend too. But Audrey makes me speechless all the time its actually really difficult to be writing this right now. She makes my head spin sometimes but it just makes me like her even more. She really isnt the type of girl that i would date but she kinda is, I dont know how to explain it, like she isnt because we barely have anything in common but we find a way around our differences which im sure will keep this relationship interesting and alive, even when there is so much that makes this makes us being together look hard and complicated. (the exact opposite of justins dick hehe I had to)
We have at least an hour between us and we have a two year age difference that puts her in college and me stuck in high school. We have both stated that we are not each others type at all but there is something about each other that just pulls us in, something different. In my opinion everything is different but its like just some little special thing that makes me want to be with her.
Ever since day one there is something about her that makes me just want to sit and watch her to see what she does next, I just want to be around her as much as i can. She just has this sparkle about her that makes her this magnificent, beautiful, stunning, wonderful, amazing girl. She has this way of just making everyone look at her and she hates it but once being a stranger its hard not to just look at her, she is just breathtakingly beautiful.
Okay so whenever I am with her it really is perfect, she just makes me forget that the world is a cruel nasty place with beauty hidden every where, all i see is the beauty and well her of course.
Ahh, writing this makes me miss her a lot more then i already did. I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile, her eyes, her hand holding mine, her lips meeting mine, the way she moves, the way she protects her sun glasses with her life, the way she looks at me when she thinks im not looking, the way she holds me from behind like her arms around my waste and she has to bend down because im so short. Ahh, I miss everything about her. The way she kisses my head so gently or my neck. Ugh, I cant write about this anymore its making it even harder for me.
Bottom line Audrey is absolutely perfect for me in every single way even if she isnt my type. :)
-Enemy of my Soul.
I want her to be not only my girlfriend but my best friend too. But Audrey makes me speechless all the time its actually really difficult to be writing this right now. She makes my head spin sometimes but it just makes me like her even more. She really isnt the type of girl that i would date but she kinda is, I dont know how to explain it, like she isnt because we barely have anything in common but we find a way around our differences which im sure will keep this relationship interesting and alive, even when there is so much that makes this makes us being together look hard and complicated. (the exact opposite of justins dick hehe I had to)
We have at least an hour between us and we have a two year age difference that puts her in college and me stuck in high school. We have both stated that we are not each others type at all but there is something about each other that just pulls us in, something different. In my opinion everything is different but its like just some little special thing that makes me want to be with her.
Ever since day one there is something about her that makes me just want to sit and watch her to see what she does next, I just want to be around her as much as i can. She just has this sparkle about her that makes her this magnificent, beautiful, stunning, wonderful, amazing girl. She has this way of just making everyone look at her and she hates it but once being a stranger its hard not to just look at her, she is just breathtakingly beautiful.
Okay so whenever I am with her it really is perfect, she just makes me forget that the world is a cruel nasty place with beauty hidden every where, all i see is the beauty and well her of course.
Ahh, writing this makes me miss her a lot more then i already did. I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile, her eyes, her hand holding mine, her lips meeting mine, the way she moves, the way she protects her sun glasses with her life, the way she looks at me when she thinks im not looking, the way she holds me from behind like her arms around my waste and she has to bend down because im so short. Ahh, I miss everything about her. The way she kisses my head so gently or my neck. Ugh, I cant write about this anymore its making it even harder for me.
Bottom line Audrey is absolutely perfect for me in every single way even if she isnt my type. :)
-Enemy of my Soul.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Corona
Hmm.... well My Girlfriend just drove at midnight to come see me... and she is staying the night... which just means i get my stupid cheesy fall asleep next to her little dream shit. Wow, I am pathetic.
I am to ecstatic to even type...
but i am also disappointed in myself because from the second I met her i told myself that i wouldnt break skin on purpose and i did.. I have cuts on my wrist and well yeah... She is making me nervous right now.....
Ugh
Bye
-enemy of my soul.
I am to ecstatic to even type...
but i am also disappointed in myself because from the second I met her i told myself that i wouldnt break skin on purpose and i did.. I have cuts on my wrist and well yeah... She is making me nervous right now.....
Ugh
Bye
-enemy of my soul.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Obviously, I am not enough and I never will be enough.
So, Audrey excepted all of my secrets and everything that i have gone through made her like me more apparently but not enough to do the one thing that i asked which is stay faithful... Dude, If you have a girlfriend, you are not available to go out and "hook-up" with anyone but your girlfriend, but this is ostensibly to hard of a concept to grasp.
faith·ful adjective
1.
strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithfulworker.
2.
true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
3.
steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithfulfriends.
4.
reliable, trusted, or believed.
5.
adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original;accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy.
This is how the dictionary defines faithful.
It honestly irks me that someone can sit there and say that they want you as there girlfriend, they make you there girlfriend then go and do stuff with another girl because you a drunk. I will never accept being drunk as an excuse to cheat. I know that we just started dating but seriously if you can cheat on someone a day in then you do not deserve to even be in a relationship. I should just walk away right now because when i really think about it, Audrey is going off to college and she will be partying, drinking and will want to hook up with whoever she wants, I don't doubt that she will think about me and say no i have a girlfriend, she will do whatever with whoever whenever she wants without even thinking about me. I can not handle another i did stuff with another girl last night. And of all days, on Paiges birthday, my little sisters birthday, so now i just want to sit here and cry and be pissy because i got screwed over but i will not. My sister's birthday is way more important then some chick.
I really need to look at all the red flags a little bit more when they come up, so that way i dont get into a relationship with another "cheater".
I am completely baffled with this situation and i will handle it on another day because today is not about me, It is about my beautiful intelligent talented amazing magnificent wonderful sister Paige. <3
faith·ful adjective
1.
strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithfulworker.
2.
true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
3.
steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithfulfriends.
4.
reliable, trusted, or believed.
5.
adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original;accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy.
This is how the dictionary defines faithful.
It honestly irks me that someone can sit there and say that they want you as there girlfriend, they make you there girlfriend then go and do stuff with another girl because you a drunk. I will never accept being drunk as an excuse to cheat. I know that we just started dating but seriously if you can cheat on someone a day in then you do not deserve to even be in a relationship. I should just walk away right now because when i really think about it, Audrey is going off to college and she will be partying, drinking and will want to hook up with whoever she wants, I don't doubt that she will think about me and say no i have a girlfriend, she will do whatever with whoever whenever she wants without even thinking about me. I can not handle another i did stuff with another girl last night. And of all days, on Paiges birthday, my little sisters birthday, so now i just want to sit here and cry and be pissy because i got screwed over but i will not. My sister's birthday is way more important then some chick.
I really need to look at all the red flags a little bit more when they come up, so that way i dont get into a relationship with another "cheater".
I am completely baffled with this situation and i will handle it on another day because today is not about me, It is about my beautiful intelligent talented amazing magnificent wonderful sister Paige. <3
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Relapse: It can happen at any moment; even if you think you are better.
One month and ten days just got washed and flushed down the drain.
All the feelings of self hate and disgust are back. The worthless feeling i use to feel all the time is back.
I told myself that i wouldnt let anyone ruin my happiness, that happiness is a choice but when you feel like you are the only one in the world happiness isnt a choice at all. When you think that eating that food made you nine million times heavier then you are...and you purge, that isnt happiness, its depression inching its way back to me. I will never lose the sadness. I will never shake my feelings of low self esteem, low self worth... In my eyes i am useless and there really isnt a reason for me to be alive. I should be six feet under ground, that is where i belong.... in the dark with the spiders snakes and slimy creatures.
I am screaming on the inside, wanting to just to brake out of this ridiculous feeling that i will never be good enough for anyone.
I cant even write right now, I am so frustrated and disappointed in myself. But i do have to say that it felt so good to cut into my skin, brake it, and watch the blood flow out like its a river.
I missed the red pouring from the broken skin. What a beautiful sight.. Even though its twisted and completely not what a normal person would do. There has to be something wrong with me...
All the feelings of self hate and disgust are back. The worthless feeling i use to feel all the time is back.
I told myself that i wouldnt let anyone ruin my happiness, that happiness is a choice but when you feel like you are the only one in the world happiness isnt a choice at all. When you think that eating that food made you nine million times heavier then you are...and you purge, that isnt happiness, its depression inching its way back to me. I will never lose the sadness. I will never shake my feelings of low self esteem, low self worth... In my eyes i am useless and there really isnt a reason for me to be alive. I should be six feet under ground, that is where i belong.... in the dark with the spiders snakes and slimy creatures.
I am screaming on the inside, wanting to just to brake out of this ridiculous feeling that i will never be good enough for anyone.
I cant even write right now, I am so frustrated and disappointed in myself. But i do have to say that it felt so good to cut into my skin, brake it, and watch the blood flow out like its a river.
I missed the red pouring from the broken skin. What a beautiful sight.. Even though its twisted and completely not what a normal person would do. There has to be something wrong with me...
Thursday, July 14, 2011
American Honey.
So, I have been told that i lost myself, I see that I have.. But I found this girl that i like a whole lot better then who i was, this girl knows that she can get anyone she wants. She knows that she is hot and she has confidence. She has this spark inside of her that makes her shine brighter then i use to. I get noticed now. I am invited to go party and have a great time getting lost in drugs and alcohol. I am loud and even more not afraid to say and stand up for what i think is right. I have a voice and i can use it now. I couldnt before. I was quiet and shy, I stayed to myself... Back then i would rather stay at home and read or watch a movie, now i need to party, i crave the scene and the people.
I have no idea where this new found rebel came from but i dont want her to go away any time soon because i love it. This girl inside me now is screaming and everyone is hearing. She is carefree and doesnt give a damn about what anyone else has to say about her and what she is doing. She say screw the police, they dont have shit on her. She walks with swag and this beaming smile, a smile i havent seen on myself since age like 7.
I wish i knew what triggered this party female that knows exactly who she is and she is proud. she can kiss a girl and hold there hand and be all over them in public with people watching. She is proud that she likes screw that loves girls. She doesnt care that people stare and some even say that i should go to hell because im disobeying god... She just keeps her head held high and continues with her swag and what she is doing.
The old me would be scared to kiss a girl in public even hold their hand...I would constantly be looking for people who i knew so i could just for that moment brake away from the girl i was with but now im like bitches look at this hot chick that i get to kiss and hang out with. This new girl doesnt care about anything but being happy and having a good time.
Im not giving her back ever... She will not be leaving any time soon. <3
I have no idea where this new found rebel came from but i dont want her to go away any time soon because i love it. This girl inside me now is screaming and everyone is hearing. She is carefree and doesnt give a damn about what anyone else has to say about her and what she is doing. She say screw the police, they dont have shit on her. She walks with swag and this beaming smile, a smile i havent seen on myself since age like 7.
I wish i knew what triggered this party female that knows exactly who she is and she is proud. she can kiss a girl and hold there hand and be all over them in public with people watching. She is proud that she likes screw that loves girls. She doesnt care that people stare and some even say that i should go to hell because im disobeying god... She just keeps her head held high and continues with her swag and what she is doing.
The old me would be scared to kiss a girl in public even hold their hand...I would constantly be looking for people who i knew so i could just for that moment brake away from the girl i was with but now im like bitches look at this hot chick that i get to kiss and hang out with. This new girl doesnt care about anything but being happy and having a good time.
Im not giving her back ever... She will not be leaving any time soon. <3
MY FREAKING MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, I am literally at the point where i just want to pack up all of my shit and leave, never come back... I dont know how i would do this but i want to so badly. I need a fucking job so that way senior year i can move the fuck out because i will be 18 and then i will never ever have to see my mother ever again. She seriously is so fucking stupid. I am so done with the bullshit.
She really needs to fucking get her shit together and figure out if she is actually going to be a fucking mom or not. Because when you give me complete freedom one day and say i can be home whenever as long as i dont get taken home by the cops to you arent allowed to go any where. And you arent going to fort myers. Omg I just dont fucking get it. she was all for it one day and then bam!!!! she fucking changes her mind and i havent been a bitch or anything to her at all. I have been doing all my chores and i have been making her food and doing whatever she says... i have basically been her bitch for the past week or so.. and now i want to go one place.. one day hour away and no. .and she doesnt even have to give me money... nope all she has to do is let me take the car. I got money on my own which is what she wanted me to do. but no i still cant fucking go. That bitch really needs to figure out if she wants to be a parent or not.
I am almost 17 years old and if you were to really look at it, i would seem so much older. Ugh.
I never ask for the car any more because i dont need it but this time the one time that i actually want to do something and go somewhere its a no. even though it was a yes two fucking days ago!!! Wtf.
When i asked her if i could go she said yeah as long as i got gas money and blah blah blah. Then i was like im bringing Paige cause well i dont think it would be a great idea to go alone and she was like okay... And now that bitch is like i dont know how you think you are getting down there because you arent using my car.
SHE IS SUCH A FUCKING NAR NAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can not wait til i get a job and my own car and my own place cause then i wont have to live by this dumbasses stupid rules.
Seriously as soon as i graduate I am moving far far away and not telling anyone, I am just gonna disappear into a little country hick town and just have a quiet life and not talk to anyone in my family because they are all fucking stupid as fucking nar nars. that can just go fuck themselves in the asses.
AHHHH, I need to get out of this goddamn house but oh thats right my mom is being a bitch and not letting me do anything because im going to Fort myers saturday.. hahah but wait i can do whatever cause she isnt letting me go now.
FUCKING AAAAAAAA. I just want to see Audrey. This is the only chance i got and my mom is fucking ruining it. I want to fucking stab something right now.
New hole in wall.. I think so. :)
Ugh. Fucker fuck fucking fuck.
She really needs to fucking get her shit together and figure out if she is actually going to be a fucking mom or not. Because when you give me complete freedom one day and say i can be home whenever as long as i dont get taken home by the cops to you arent allowed to go any where. And you arent going to fort myers. Omg I just dont fucking get it. she was all for it one day and then bam!!!! she fucking changes her mind and i havent been a bitch or anything to her at all. I have been doing all my chores and i have been making her food and doing whatever she says... i have basically been her bitch for the past week or so.. and now i want to go one place.. one day hour away and no. .and she doesnt even have to give me money... nope all she has to do is let me take the car. I got money on my own which is what she wanted me to do. but no i still cant fucking go. That bitch really needs to figure out if she wants to be a parent or not.
I am almost 17 years old and if you were to really look at it, i would seem so much older. Ugh.
I never ask for the car any more because i dont need it but this time the one time that i actually want to do something and go somewhere its a no. even though it was a yes two fucking days ago!!! Wtf.
When i asked her if i could go she said yeah as long as i got gas money and blah blah blah. Then i was like im bringing Paige cause well i dont think it would be a great idea to go alone and she was like okay... And now that bitch is like i dont know how you think you are getting down there because you arent using my car.
SHE IS SUCH A FUCKING NAR NAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can not wait til i get a job and my own car and my own place cause then i wont have to live by this dumbasses stupid rules.
Seriously as soon as i graduate I am moving far far away and not telling anyone, I am just gonna disappear into a little country hick town and just have a quiet life and not talk to anyone in my family because they are all fucking stupid as fucking nar nars. that can just go fuck themselves in the asses.
AHHHH, I need to get out of this goddamn house but oh thats right my mom is being a bitch and not letting me do anything because im going to Fort myers saturday.. hahah but wait i can do whatever cause she isnt letting me go now.
FUCKING AAAAAAAA. I just want to see Audrey. This is the only chance i got and my mom is fucking ruining it. I want to fucking stab something right now.
New hole in wall.. I think so. :)
Ugh. Fucker fuck fucking fuck.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I just thought that you should know....
If there is any possibility that you will be falling in love with me, i think that it is only fair that you are aware of what you are falling in love with.
You are going to be falling in love with every single one of my insecurities, and my constant obsession with trying to figure out what everyone truly thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity (when it comes out), my constant need to feel loved and appreciated (even though i push the ones who love me away at times.), and my tendency to by a tad clingy at times, sometimes i just need to be around you a lot. you will be falling in love with my troubled past and how i am secretly a hopeless romantic, and all of my hopes and dreams that may seem a little to big. If you happen to fall in love with me, you fall in love with my hate for myself and all of my imperfections and my perception that no one could ever love me. (which will make me doubt that you truly do, it will make it complicated but i will believe you.)
But, also you will have fallen in love with the way my eyes shine when im with you, the way i'll text you in the mornings just to let you know you should have a good day, and ill text you in the evenings to find out how your day went and to say goodnight. You are falling in love with the occasionally humorous and or thought provoking things that i say. You are falling in love with the way I blush when people ask me about you, or when you call me beautiful or when i see that you have texted me. But to be honest the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my over thinking, extreme imagination that it is impossible for anyone to do such a thing.
This is what you fall for, if you cant handle it, dont make me fall for you, just leave right now.. no harm done.
You are going to be falling in love with every single one of my insecurities, and my constant obsession with trying to figure out what everyone truly thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity (when it comes out), my constant need to feel loved and appreciated (even though i push the ones who love me away at times.), and my tendency to by a tad clingy at times, sometimes i just need to be around you a lot. you will be falling in love with my troubled past and how i am secretly a hopeless romantic, and all of my hopes and dreams that may seem a little to big. If you happen to fall in love with me, you fall in love with my hate for myself and all of my imperfections and my perception that no one could ever love me. (which will make me doubt that you truly do, it will make it complicated but i will believe you.)
But, also you will have fallen in love with the way my eyes shine when im with you, the way i'll text you in the mornings just to let you know you should have a good day, and ill text you in the evenings to find out how your day went and to say goodnight. You are falling in love with the occasionally humorous and or thought provoking things that i say. You are falling in love with the way I blush when people ask me about you, or when you call me beautiful or when i see that you have texted me. But to be honest the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my over thinking, extreme imagination that it is impossible for anyone to do such a thing.
This is what you fall for, if you cant handle it, dont make me fall for you, just leave right now.. no harm done.
Maybe it's not about the happy ending, maybe its more about the actual Story.
I've always wanted a happy ending, you know that find your true love at a young age and go through everything together, get married and have kids. then stay married happily til the day we both wither away into nothingness. And that through all of it I would be happy and nothing else in the world would matter. We would live in a huge house and have great jobs and our kids would get the life that i always wanted. But right now, I honestly believe that it isnt always about the happy moment, the happy memories, its more about everything else the sad times, the hard times, the times where you just want to punch a wall or lay in bed all day. Its about the little things all the things that make you smile or laugh.
Life is about creating yourself and finding out what makes you happy, It doesnt matter what makes everyone else happy. you have to grow up happy.
I dont fucking know where im going with this.
I guess the ending doesnt matter but how you get there because in the true end you are 6 feet under and dead, thats not a happy ending, so i guess the story is more important and that you have to live your life the way you want not how others want you to.
(this post was pointless.)
Life is about creating yourself and finding out what makes you happy, It doesnt matter what makes everyone else happy. you have to grow up happy.
I dont fucking know where im going with this.
I guess the ending doesnt matter but how you get there because in the true end you are 6 feet under and dead, thats not a happy ending, so i guess the story is more important and that you have to live your life the way you want not how others want you to.
(this post was pointless.)
Monday, July 11, 2011
Basically.....
she think about you non-stop, and you're all she talks about. When she talks to you she always has that bright smile, and truly happy. With one hug you make her melt and always leave her with butterflies and at the same time, when she's upset your usually the reason. But she refuses to see any flaws in you. And no matter how many people try to tell her different and that you aren't worth it, she believes your perfect for her and worth every second of the wait, and she's too scared to tell you any of this because she doesn't want to mess anything up. And doesn't want to end up hurt, once more.
Sometimes the best way to get someones attention is to stop giving them yours.
I hate people that sit there and say I like you but i dont know, I dont think this would work.
What do you not think will work, our Fucking friendship because thats all we are and obviously all we can be when you are sitting there saying that it wont work. We didnt even have anything for something to not work.
But what I hate even more is when that same person bitches at you and calls you a cunt and a bitch and that they dont want a damn thing from you, they tell you to delete there number and just forget them because you meant nothing to them in the first place, and even after they say that, they call you later in the night drunk or high off their ass, saying that they miss you and dont understand why i just let go, and didnt care.
Well Audrey, I did fucking care, i still care about you but dont you dare call me a bitch and tell me not to talk to you then call me saying you miss me. Audrey I dont forgive you, you were a complete bitch to me and i wont be treated like shit by anyone. And the only reason when you told me on saturday that you didnt think it would work and i just was like whatever and bye is because If you dont think it will ever work then im not going to stick around and put myself 100% into something that you think isnt going to work out anyway. Im not asking for us to be together forever and ever and be buried in the same fucking coffin so we are forever together, all i was asking for was the truth, and if we even ended up together like you said you could see, then all i would ask for is the truth and for you to be faithful.
Audrey, you fucking confuse the fuck out of me and you texting me Hey cutie this morning didnt fix everything.
I am not sorry that i was short with you all day because you dont even want to talk to me anyway.
I wont get close again for you to just run away again.
We can be friends but seriously i cant deal with the mixed emotions and fake signals.
You confuse me more then anyone does.
But what I hate even more is when that same person bitches at you and calls you a cunt and a bitch and that they dont want a damn thing from you, they tell you to delete there number and just forget them because you meant nothing to them in the first place, and even after they say that, they call you later in the night drunk or high off their ass, saying that they miss you and dont understand why i just let go, and didnt care.
Well Audrey, I did fucking care, i still care about you but dont you dare call me a bitch and tell me not to talk to you then call me saying you miss me. Audrey I dont forgive you, you were a complete bitch to me and i wont be treated like shit by anyone. And the only reason when you told me on saturday that you didnt think it would work and i just was like whatever and bye is because If you dont think it will ever work then im not going to stick around and put myself 100% into something that you think isnt going to work out anyway. Im not asking for us to be together forever and ever and be buried in the same fucking coffin so we are forever together, all i was asking for was the truth, and if we even ended up together like you said you could see, then all i would ask for is the truth and for you to be faithful.
Audrey, you fucking confuse the fuck out of me and you texting me Hey cutie this morning didnt fix everything.
I am not sorry that i was short with you all day because you dont even want to talk to me anyway.
I wont get close again for you to just run away again.
We can be friends but seriously i cant deal with the mixed emotions and fake signals.
You confuse me more then anyone does.
I dont get how you can say I like you and one day i can see making you my girlfriend and being the happiest girl in the world to fuck you bitch, dont fucking talk to me ever again to Babe i miss you. im sorry that i was a bitch and I really just feel a lot for you and it scares me. blah blah blah.
Its really fucking confusing.
But Ill suck up all of this and never say it to you because I am to much of a puddin pop and because right now im ignoring you. Maybe youll actually miss me and come back.
I wish sometimes i could say this all to you but it wouldnt matter anyway.
-enemy of my soul
Its really fucking confusing.
But Ill suck up all of this and never say it to you because I am to much of a puddin pop and because right now im ignoring you. Maybe youll actually miss me and come back.
I wish sometimes i could say this all to you but it wouldnt matter anyway.
-enemy of my soul
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The risk I took was calculated but man, I guess i'm bad at math.
Okay so a week in Fort Myers Beach brought out my flirty girly, I know that I can get girls and guys side.
I got over all my fears of rejection and just went up to this girl and asked for her number, I had to because it was on the bucket list, It was just a plus that the girl is absolutely beautiful in almost every way.
So I got her number and I honestly thought that if I wanted to actually see her then i would have to make the first move but about an 20 minutes i get a txt from her saying she wanted to hang out.
After that night hanging out with her and justin, she txted me that we were gonna hang out every day.. We did.
She got me to do crazy shit and every night we hung out til 1 am.
I had fun all the time and i just let go and became everything that i want to be. I was free and alive and Happy, happier then happy. She honestly made me forget about all the stress in my life.
And she was taking everything slow which means that she didnt want just a hook up, even though i was sorta sure thats what she wanted. But We didnt start holding hands til she wanted a prize and instead of a cookie she asked for my hand. That was wednesday, I meet her sunday night.
Then thursday, she wanted more time with me off the beach so i lied to everyone basically to go hang out with her. We left the beach around 9ish... before that we were walking around i was on the phone with samie venting about how shitty i felt about the taylor situation. then audrey took the phone and told samie that she wanted to kiss me and asked if i was a good kisser. I got the phone back samie told me this.... I didnt get a kiss til later that night when the taylor drama was happening. Which the taylor shit that happened was very unnecessary considering i only know one brooke and that brooke goes to RHS. But anyway I was arguing with Taylor and Audrey just came up to me and kissed me... I hung up on taylor.
Audrey spent all of friday with me. Leaving friday night sucked but we promised to continue talking.
Little did i know she planned a trip for a week later to come get me an hour away and take me camping then spend all saturday with me.
We drank and had fun except for the fact that she is super insecure about taylor, she mentions her every time my i am on my phone... Its so annoying because i want to forget about taylor and the shitty thing i did but she just keeps throwing it in my face.
But she left Saturday night and she pissed me off cause she said something about taylor so i told her i was going to bed.
A few hours later she txted me
A: Nikki
Me:yes.
A:Im really fuckin confused about you.
Me:about me?
A:Yeah
Me:why?
A:idk how to explain it.
M: what do you mean confused?
A: its not just you well it is but more just this.
M: what is this? pleas try to explain
A:idk how to its hard
Me:please try.
A:Idk nevermind
M: okay i dont get it but w.e
A idk what to say im just fuckin confused.
M: okay
A. Nevermind okay.
Me: you confuse me
A: how
Me: because you have that i dont give a fuck attitude, it throws me off. then when we are together you act like you dont even want to be around me, then we will be all kiss kiss cuteness and then bam you throw taylor in my face and get pissed at me and you start acting like a bitch.
A:ya why do you think i dont want to be with you when im around you i mean i think i dont do that.
Me: well you do...
A: okay this anit even gonna work
Me: yeah whatever i guess it wont
A: Guess so
Me:it could work but idk i mean idk it probably idk.
A: how is it even gonna work like really
Me: well obviously it wont work if you dont think it will, so i guess it wont work
A: wtf k bye
Me: Audrey im just saying that it could work if we both wanted it too but you dont think it will so why should i sit here and beg to make it work. And why would you want to date a high school anyway?
A: okay nikki i get it!
this is where I am with Audrey right now.
I got over all my fears of rejection and just went up to this girl and asked for her number, I had to because it was on the bucket list, It was just a plus that the girl is absolutely beautiful in almost every way.
So I got her number and I honestly thought that if I wanted to actually see her then i would have to make the first move but about an 20 minutes i get a txt from her saying she wanted to hang out.
After that night hanging out with her and justin, she txted me that we were gonna hang out every day.. We did.
She got me to do crazy shit and every night we hung out til 1 am.
I had fun all the time and i just let go and became everything that i want to be. I was free and alive and Happy, happier then happy. She honestly made me forget about all the stress in my life.
And she was taking everything slow which means that she didnt want just a hook up, even though i was sorta sure thats what she wanted. But We didnt start holding hands til she wanted a prize and instead of a cookie she asked for my hand. That was wednesday, I meet her sunday night.
Then thursday, she wanted more time with me off the beach so i lied to everyone basically to go hang out with her. We left the beach around 9ish... before that we were walking around i was on the phone with samie venting about how shitty i felt about the taylor situation. then audrey took the phone and told samie that she wanted to kiss me and asked if i was a good kisser. I got the phone back samie told me this.... I didnt get a kiss til later that night when the taylor drama was happening. Which the taylor shit that happened was very unnecessary considering i only know one brooke and that brooke goes to RHS. But anyway I was arguing with Taylor and Audrey just came up to me and kissed me... I hung up on taylor.
Audrey spent all of friday with me. Leaving friday night sucked but we promised to continue talking.
Little did i know she planned a trip for a week later to come get me an hour away and take me camping then spend all saturday with me.
We drank and had fun except for the fact that she is super insecure about taylor, she mentions her every time my i am on my phone... Its so annoying because i want to forget about taylor and the shitty thing i did but she just keeps throwing it in my face.
But she left Saturday night and she pissed me off cause she said something about taylor so i told her i was going to bed.
A few hours later she txted me
A: Nikki
Me:yes.
A:Im really fuckin confused about you.
Me:about me?
A:Yeah
Me:why?
A:idk how to explain it.
M: what do you mean confused?
A: its not just you well it is but more just this.
M: what is this? pleas try to explain
A:idk how to its hard
Me:please try.
A:Idk nevermind
M: okay i dont get it but w.e
A idk what to say im just fuckin confused.
M: okay
A. Nevermind okay.
Me: you confuse me
A: how
Me: because you have that i dont give a fuck attitude, it throws me off. then when we are together you act like you dont even want to be around me, then we will be all kiss kiss cuteness and then bam you throw taylor in my face and get pissed at me and you start acting like a bitch.
A:ya why do you think i dont want to be with you when im around you i mean i think i dont do that.
Me: well you do...
A: okay this anit even gonna work
Me: yeah whatever i guess it wont
A: Guess so
Me:it could work but idk i mean idk it probably idk.
A: how is it even gonna work like really
Me: well obviously it wont work if you dont think it will, so i guess it wont work
A: wtf k bye
Me: Audrey im just saying that it could work if we both wanted it too but you dont think it will so why should i sit here and beg to make it work. And why would you want to date a high school anyway?
A: okay nikki i get it!
this is where I am with Audrey right now.
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