One breathe at a time.

This time last year, everything was so different. I had different friends and my future wasnt just around the corner. I know that I get into the moods that I want to kill myself before the time comes for me to grow up and be someone, but in reality the pressure of being prefect hits me and i dont want that at all. I dont want to be perfect because that puts so much stress on me and I know that being perfect or at least pretending you are close to it is a lot of responsibility and I can handle responsibility but that that is something else, that is way more than what it seems. I always seem to find myself in this position, sitting in my room, searching for an answer to a question that I can not answer. Will I end up happy, Is my life worth living?
It's what I worry about all the time. I mean I think about other stuff but these two questions never seem to leave my mind. If life isnt worth living then i will not be sticking around to suffer in misery.
Anyway back to the reason I am writing this. Everything in my life this time last year was so different, I was dealing with high school drama that literally made me want to take a knife and slit my throat. I wanted to move from from away, leave this stupid county. Now, my life is so simple, I have priorities, there are things that I need to get done every single day. I have to wake up, paint on a smile, go to high school, work hard in my all honors classes, then i leave half way through the day to go to college. Where I have to strive to do my absolute best all the time. I have no room to make mistakes. Then I go to my old middle school, participate in an internship. Next stop is home, where I sit in my room and do homework for hours at a time.Oh, and not to mention my two AP Online Classes. Next is work. I get home and complete what homework I have left to do. Now imagine trying to fit a social life filled with drama and "he said, she said" lies. I dont have time to even eat three meals a day, I barely have time for one, So I am always running on low energy, which i have no problem with i would prefer to not eat anyway, but then I begin to run on even lower fuel because I get about two and half hours of sleep every night, if that. Some nights its been none. I have been taking adderall every time I get to the point where i can't even keep my eyes open, I know that I have to because I have a lot on my plate. I need all 24 hours in the day to make sure I get everything I can done in the day. This was only the first week of school, the weekend came and I passed out, I loved the sleep but I guess I can only get it on the weekends. I have to live for five days on no sleep and barely any food, mostly water. This school year, my junior year is going to be the death of me, I swear. But at least I am constantly distracted from everything that has to do with finding a girlfriend, or thinking about any of my exes. I don't have time to think about anything but school and work. For one entire week I did not have a single thought about Audrey or any one else. There has only been two people on my mind, If I did get a moment to relax and take a breath, it was either Beth or Miranda. It was only for a moment but at least I still know that I can think of another human being while dying from work overload.
I have no idea how I am going to survive this year but I will do everything in my power to make sure that I get Straight A's and make as much money as I possible can. This year is not about my social life, that will always be there, my junior year will only happen once, I promise you that. I have to work my butt of to make sure that I do everything I can to make this the perfect academic year. I need to get into a good college, I need to break away from this county that makes me want to die. I need to get away. I need to focus on my way out and school is the answer.
I will not think about the events that will come after graduation, I will not be constantly reminded that that is what I intend to do, I will just work towards getting better and getting into Penn State University. I will attend there if its the last thing I do, I will get accepted. I have to. Its the only way out. Its my escape from this hell hole that I live in now.
I have goals, I have priorities, I have a reason to be alive, I have the want to survive. I have a lot more on my plate that means more to me then some stupid argument about who is going to ask Suzie to homecoming. I don't have the time to deal with the bullshit of friendships. I know who I want in my life, I know who is important to me, I will continue to talk to you and create memories, it just might not be as often as you would like. I know who I want in my life, I talk to those people, I let them know that I know they are alive, If I havent talked to people this past week, its because I dont plan on speaking to you at all this year, I dont need you and I dont need the drama that you bring to my plate. I have enough on it already. I hate to just cut ties like that but I dont have time to be friends with everyone, and i dont have time to pretend that I do. The people I am friends with now will be there at the end of the year, I am not worried about losing the people I care about the most this year because I have things under control with that.
Everything is in such a place where i have no room to make a mistake, one mistake and my world comes crashing down. I have a lot on my mind and I have a lot on my plate. School comes first, then work, then family then friends then food and sleep.
This year will be something different, this year will be a year that I remember, this year matters more then any of the past ones did.

Life may be tough but I guess I'll just have to be tougher. 

Wanting to be someone you're not... Is a waste of the person you are.

School starts Monday and to be honest, I dont want to go, I dont even want to wake up in the morning. I just wish that it was all over, that tomorrow never came, that I was buried 6 feet under never to see the light again. I dont want there to be any more tomorrows or the day after. I just want to take my last breathe. I dont want to be here any more.. I dont want to live in the fucked up cookie cutter world. I just want to be be done. I have lived enough. I have had sex, well with a girl, I have drank til I blacked out, I have smoked so much that I dont even remember starting. I have lived enough, I have fallen in love. I have lied and blacked mailed. I have a shitload of stuff including shot outs, and car chases. I have done a lot and I feel like I dont need to do anything more. The cigarettes arent killing me fast enough, so I figure i'll take my own life. I dont need to be here, there isnt anything i would like to do. I dont have a future. I mean everyone thinks that I want to be something but in reality I dont want to do anything, I am not good at anything and I have no want to go to college, I dont like school in fact it pains me to go there. I hate it. I hate the people. I hate the teachers. I hate the work. I hate that they teach you what they think you need to learn. I hate that they dont see a girl crying out for help. I hate that every single day, I get bullied, I get picked on. I am nothing at my school. I am jut some psycho girl that they can make fun off because I dont have fancy clothes or a cool car. I hate them, I just want them all to just disappear or end up in some freak accident so they can actually appreciate life unlike they do now. I dont want to go to this college program that I got accepted to, I only applied because my mom wanted me to go. I am only doing this for my mom, not for me, what good is a EMT certification going to do me if I kill myself on graduation day. It wont do anything for me. It will make her proud momentarily but she wont be to happy when she finds out the stress of being perfect and doing everything I can to please her with grades is exactly what is going to kill me. She thinks that cutting isnt normal, well its been my normal since I was 11. Its the only way i know how to feel better. Its the only thing I can actually control. Its my body and if I want to carve words and bars into my skin then i should be able to. Its my body its something I control. Just like I control myself puking up everything I eat when people arent around. The only time I dont puke up my  food is when i am on my period, I dont gain weight so my body gets to enjoy food for a week. But after that week is up food may go down but it comes back up in no time. I hate the way I look, I hate everything about it. I hate that I look like my mom. I hate that my father left me. I hate that my mom talks shit about my dad every chance she gets. He may not be here for me but at least he doesnt make me feel like im worthless unless i get good grades and go to an amazing college then get a job that will make me a ton of money. At least when i do talk to him, he ask about me, he wants to know how i am doing, he wants to know what is going on in my life. He wants to be part of my life, I just wont let him because if I do he might just leave again or go and get stabbed or shot and die on me and if i lost my dad. I wouldnt have any reason to live, I would cry myself into death. My dad means so much more to me than I let anyone know and to have to hear every single day about how much of a terrible low life he is from the woman who married him and then fucked him so i could be born, kills every part of me. It makes me never want to fall in love and get married because nothing works out because no one can truly love you forever, no marriage ever works out. Nothing about love and family is true. So why waste a lifetime trying to find something that when you can just cut it short and end it all. That seems so much better, no heart ache, no children in a messy divorce, no pain. Nothing, Just a cold body decaying in a lovely coffin that cost more then half the stuff i own, six feet under. There is comfort in that, knowing that I could finally be at peace from the battles I fight every single day. Death right now is what I wish for, every chance that I get, I wish that I could just be taken from this planet. I dont want to be here any more. I just want to stop cutting, and not eating for weeks, I want to stop crying, I want to stop breathing. I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate everything little thing about me. I hate how if I had the medication to kill myself, I would right now right after I hit that orange PUBLISH POST button, If i had the strength to slit my throat i would, I would take the largest knife that I can find in the kitchen and just put it to my neck and slice, but i probably wouldnt cut deep enough and i would end up just hospitalized and then people can joke about how i failed at suicide. If we had a gun, I would shot myself, put it to my temple and pull the trigger, its harder to get a gun in Florida then you would think, considering all this crazy shit goes down in Florida. I knew how to try a knot, I would hang myself but with my luck I wouldn't tie it right, I would almost be gone then it would untie and I would fall, probably hit my head and not die but end up paralyzed and once again a joke to the world.
If I could just be taken in my sleep, I would be forever in debt to God, If he would just take me from this hell im living I would be a better person where ever you go after death. I wish it was as easy as deciding you want to die and then it would just happen. As soon as I can I am going to go out on the streets, find a guy who looks like he would be packing some hardcore heavy drugs and I will buy as many pills as I can and take them, take them all at the same time, then sleep, sleep an endless sleep, a sleep where i wont wake up in the morning. How nice that sounds, It sounds like paradise. It sounds like exactly what I want right now. I sleep where I never wake up again. One day soon this dream of mine, this dream where I no longer wake up will be reality and I can finally just be in peace, no drama, no pain, no lies, no fake smile, no fake life. All I need is money and once i have that, its a done deal, my life will be over, no need to worry about anything.
The one thing I have to do is make sure Audrey knows that she means everything to me. She has to know that she helped me get better but me getting better i knew it would never last. The parties, the drinking, the drugs they would only keep my happy for so long, they could only distract me for a little. Audrey really did make me happy she really did and losing her isnt any of the reasons I want to end my life, I have wanted this for a long time now, she delayed it. She gave me time to live a great summer, a better one than i could have asked for but now its time for my life to come to an end because I cant do this anymore, I cant breathe any more because it hurts every breath I take of this polluted air hurts more and more. Every gulp of air that I consume to help me live, I wish i didnt. I wish that the world would just stop feeding me the things i need to live, I wish they could just cut of my air supply off. If only it were that simple.
I dont want to wake up in the morning, I dont want to pretend any more that everything is okay and that I am perfectly happy. I am tired of waking up throwing on a fake smile and pretending that i am happy. I just want to smother myself. I just want this to end. I give up on trying to be happy, I give up on everything. I give up on wanting to get better, because the only way to get better is for me to be dead. I dont want to get better, I just want to die. I am done surviving the world. I just want it all to end because life has become more of a chore then anything else.



I have no energy to carry on this way. No energy to have a conversation. No energy to see anyone. No energy to pretend. No energy to exist. No energy to care. No energy. No energy at all. I am just done. I am tired and i am worn out. I dont have the energy to push myself anymore.

People think depression is about being sad. That you just feel "down" all the time. It’s not. It’s like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It becomes you. It drains you of all your emotions, every single one, it even takes away sadness. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. Feeling worthless and alone, like no one can truly see you, like they are looking at you but they see right past you.You feel like you are disappearing to everyone. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s hopelessness, it's not being alive enough to believe there is hope. Imagine waking up and there being no color, everything is just plain black and white. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling completely alone at the same time. Being in a crowed room and feeling completely alone, like you dont know anyone at all. When you’re depressed, it’s not a bad mood. It’s a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave. You can never shake it, not even for a moment. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like there’s no hope left. You dont even want to wake up because you know that its just going to be a day filled with nothingness. You feel like you have nothing left. You feel like there is no point to the world any more. You feel like no one will ever understand, so you just keep quite and put a smile on, so no one questions you. And Depression is so lonely, there is no halfway houses or depressing anonymous meetings. We dont get help like everyone else, they have so many options and I just sit here wishing i could talk to someone about it. The only place we have is mental hospitals but unless you attempt and fail at suicide that evolves you in a hospital getting your stomach pumped or stitches or you have to be attached to an oxygen tank, you dont end up there. I wish i got that bad, actually I dont I wish that my attempt was successful. I'll be trying this soon when i get a little bit of cash because pills cost money.

I guess I am done with this post. I mean I am not sure of what else I want to say.

-Enemy Of My Soul.

Just a bit hung up on you.

I still have this feeling inside me. I'm never completely sure of what to do about it because sometimes it is quite intense. At times, it is all I can think about. Late at night or early in the morning, I find you running through my mind for such long periods of time. During the day, I'll zone out and you sit there in my mind reminding me of the times we shared. I continue to think about the days we spent together they were so wrong But they felt so right. My mind said to not get so close to not feel like I was melting when we kissed but I did, I let you in. Maybe I am tripping off of something and this, you, all of the memories are just an illusion. Somedays I envision you being mine again, like one day I will be able to be in your arms again. I start to think that all the amazing moments and the soft sweet kisses that made me melt, I start to want them back. I want you back. I want to go to the beach with you and watch the sunset. I want to play beer bong or just drink with you till we are sitting in a tent or on some random bench talking about what we want in life and our past and just random junk. I want to call you at one in the morning and tell you how much I miss you, I realize I could do this now but I want you to answer and say it back.
Ugh I have this feeling that months are going to pass and I'm still going to feel like this. Typing this now, thinking about it makes me feel as if I am going crazy. We didn't do anything. I barely know you. I have no true history with you. I shouldn't still be sitting here, pondering on what could have happened. I shouldnt be constantly thinking of you or relating things to you.
I went to drum circle tonight and I just saw you walking around where you had been you were around, I saw us standing on the beach, I saw us kiss. I saw us sitting on the towel watching the sunset, your arms wrapped around me, holding me tight, kissing my neck and whispering in my ear, saying how perfect I am, and that moment how perfect it was. I stood where we had sat and just felt your arms around my waste. I miss you like crazy. I hate this feeling, I hate feeling like I am crazy, insane... I hate feeling like I fell for a lie. That I built a fairytale in my head from the lies you produced from your beautiful head, they spoke from your Soft lips like they were true. I should have known that the thoughts of you and I together were just to good to be true.
You called me perfect and said that I was beautiful and you wanted us to work for a really long time, you said that we would never stop talking but look at us now. If I was so perfect, so beautiful and you truly wanted us to last for a long time, why did you cheat, what was so great about Taylor that makes you want to be with her and around her? What does she have that I don't? I mean I know I'm young, not much younger but the you in college, me in high school, makes things a bit complicated but we were complicated from the beginning.
I still think that you are amazing and wonderful. I still think good things about you but every now and then I think of how shitty you made me feel, but to be honest I just want to be okay with you again, I don't care about the bad shit, the good is a thousand times better then the bad. I still think of you as this great beautiful slightly insane amazing person.

I guess I am just hung up on you.


-enemy of my soul.

I've given my heart away before and it only caused me sorrow. How could I think of loving someone today or tomorrow.

Fairy Running Princess

There is so much that I could say in this post. There is so much I want to tell my best friend. The fact is I never did stop loving her, I feel out of being in love with her but honestly I never wanted us to end and now I can't fix what mistakes Ive made. She sits there and plays the part of my best friend but I want more then that but I know that it would never work and I dont want to try anything because I really couldn't deal to live without her. I will keep her a day dream away. I never want to hurt her again. I couldn't live with myself if I ever did. She means the world to me and I don't want her to cry or be sad. I only want her to be happy and I am not the key to her happiness she deserves so much better then what I can give her. She deserves the world more then the world. She deserves doors being held up, random presents, love letters, flowers, taken to movies and fancy restaurants. She deserves to be picked up over puddles so her shoes don't get wet, she deserves things to be paid for, she deserves someone who knows how truly amazing she is. Who notices how when she does something embarrassing she turns her head away from people and giggles just a bit. How when she puts her hair up it takes her two try's half the time, how her laugh is a bit goofy but oh so cute, how when she eats something she doesn't really like she won't tell anyone she will just pick around it and pull it apart so it looks eaten. How when she gets a complement before she denies that it's true she smiles and blushes cause she knows it's true. How when she is at the beach she almost always trips going down the stairs. They need to know that sometimes she does stupid things or doesn't always keep a secret but sh always means well and would never want to actually hurt someone. They would need to see how her taste in music changes weekly. How the song lyrics she post on Facebook have everything to do with how she's feeling and if she tells them to listen to a song they have to really listen because the words are most likely what she's to afraid to say.
Sometimes she is insecure about herself but in all honesty she really doesn't need to be because she is beautiful. Her eyes they shine. Her smile it brightens anyone's day. Everything about her is beautiful. There aren't even words to describe her beauty.
She does little things that will make you giggle, she says the stupidest things but they make her look so cute. Whenever she is around you cant stop laughing, you just get into a better mood.
I really could go on for hours, I honestly could. There is so much that I want to say, I just can't because I need to keep her just a daydream away.




-enemy of my soul

Dear Future Girlfriend,

On really nice summer nights i like to lay on my roof and stare up at the night sky. I like to just stare at the stars, sometimes i cant find any then i just pretend they are there. When i do see a star, the perfect star the one that makes me think of a future with you, I make a wish. It's always the same wish. . Its not for world peace or anything big and fancy like that, no no its just a simple wish. Would you come lay with me one night and make a wish with me?

And if you do join me, I can start to make other wishes. 

Love, Me. 

Don't worry, Just Breathe. If it's meant to be it will find it's way.

When I say I miss you, I actually mean...

I miss you as a whole but also I miss every little thing about you. 
I miss your smile, your eyes and the way they shine. I miss your voice and your laugh. I miss the way you look at me. I miss the way you would stare at me until I smiled. I miss the way you put your hair into a pony tail and then put your hat on then make sure your oakleys are placed safely on the hat. I miss the way you would look at my lips then lean in to kiss me, how our kisses were soft and sweet. I miss how you walk, how you drive. I miss how you would sing country songs then switch to rap when you realized I was listening to you. I miss the way you would txt me every day. I miss how you used to call me beautiful. I miss the way you would look at me when you didnt think i could see you. I miss how you would hug me from behind, your arms wrapped around my waist, and your lips kissing my neck or whispering something in my ear. I miss how you when you complained about something you would get this facial expression that really isnt explainable. I miss the way when you ate you had to get ranch just in case. I miss how you used to make me smile and laugh. I miss how you would tickle me to get information from me. I miss how when we sat on the beach you would sit behind me and wrap yourself around me. I miss how when you slept next to me you would kick me then hold my hand then turn… You dont remember it but I couldnt sleep and you kept doing it. I miss that. 
I miss how tall you are. I miss how you would stare at people who had a staring problem. I miss how when you would longboard you would always try to hold onto the back of a car or you would ride next to me and tell me to pull you along with me. I miss how you used to talk to me. 

When I say I miss you, I mean that I miss you and all the little things that make you a whole. Honestly I could write so many more things about you that I miss about you… but this this is making it hurt more to miss you so much.