School starts Monday and to be honest, I dont want to go, I dont even want to wake up in the morning. I just wish that it was all over, that tomorrow never came, that I was buried 6 feet under never to see the light again. I dont want there to be any more tomorrows or the day after. I just want to take my last breathe. I dont want to be here any more.. I dont want to live in the fucked up cookie cutter world. I just want to be be done. I have lived enough. I have had sex, well with a girl, I have drank til I blacked out, I have smoked so much that I dont even remember starting. I have lived enough, I have fallen in love. I have lied and blacked mailed. I have a shitload of stuff including shot outs, and car chases. I have done a lot and I feel like I dont need to do anything more. The cigarettes arent killing me fast enough, so I figure i'll take my own life. I dont need to be here, there isnt anything i would like to do. I dont have a future. I mean everyone thinks that I want to be something but in reality I dont want to do anything, I am not good at anything and I have no want to go to college, I dont like school in fact it pains me to go there. I hate it. I hate the people. I hate the teachers. I hate the work. I hate that they teach you what they think you need to learn. I hate that they dont see a girl crying out for help. I hate that every single day, I get bullied, I get picked on. I am nothing at my school. I am jut some psycho girl that they can make fun off because I dont have fancy clothes or a cool car. I hate them, I just want them all to just disappear or end up in some freak accident so they can actually appreciate life unlike they do now. I dont want to go to this college program that I got accepted to, I only applied because my mom wanted me to go. I am only doing this for my mom, not for me, what good is a EMT certification going to do me if I kill myself on graduation day. It wont do anything for me. It will make her proud momentarily but she wont be to happy when she finds out the stress of being perfect and doing everything I can to please her with grades is exactly what is going to kill me. She thinks that cutting isnt normal, well its been my normal since I was 11. Its the only way i know how to feel better. Its the only thing I can actually control. Its my body and if I want to carve words and bars into my skin then i should be able to. Its my body its something I control. Just like I control myself puking up everything I eat when people arent around. The only time I dont puke up my food is when i am on my period, I dont gain weight so my body gets to enjoy food for a week. But after that week is up food may go down but it comes back up in no time. I hate the way I look, I hate everything about it. I hate that I look like my mom. I hate that my father left me. I hate that my mom talks shit about my dad every chance she gets. He may not be here for me but at least he doesnt make me feel like im worthless unless i get good grades and go to an amazing college then get a job that will make me a ton of money. At least when i do talk to him, he ask about me, he wants to know how i am doing, he wants to know what is going on in my life. He wants to be part of my life, I just wont let him because if I do he might just leave again or go and get stabbed or shot and die on me and if i lost my dad. I wouldnt have any reason to live, I would cry myself into death. My dad means so much more to me than I let anyone know and to have to hear every single day about how much of a terrible low life he is from the woman who married him and then fucked him so i could be born, kills every part of me. It makes me never want to fall in love and get married because nothing works out because no one can truly love you forever, no marriage ever works out. Nothing about love and family is true. So why waste a lifetime trying to find something that when you can just cut it short and end it all. That seems so much better, no heart ache, no children in a messy divorce, no pain. Nothing, Just a cold body decaying in a lovely coffin that cost more then half the stuff i own, six feet under. There is comfort in that, knowing that I could finally be at peace from the battles I fight every single day. Death right now is what I wish for, every chance that I get, I wish that I could just be taken from this planet. I dont want to be here any more. I just want to stop cutting, and not eating for weeks, I want to stop crying, I want to stop breathing. I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate everything little thing about me. I hate how if I had the medication to kill myself, I would right now right after I hit that orange PUBLISH POST button, If i had the strength to slit my throat i would, I would take the largest knife that I can find in the kitchen and just put it to my neck and slice, but i probably wouldnt cut deep enough and i would end up just hospitalized and then people can joke about how i failed at suicide. If we had a gun, I would shot myself, put it to my temple and pull the trigger, its harder to get a gun in Florida then you would think, considering all this crazy shit goes down in Florida. I knew how to try a knot, I would hang myself but with my luck I wouldn't tie it right, I would almost be gone then it would untie and I would fall, probably hit my head and not die but end up paralyzed and once again a joke to the world.
If I could just be taken in my sleep, I would be forever in debt to God, If he would just take me from this hell im living I would be a better person where ever you go after death. I wish it was as easy as deciding you want to die and then it would just happen. As soon as I can I am going to go out on the streets, find a guy who looks like he would be packing some hardcore heavy drugs and I will buy as many pills as I can and take them, take them all at the same time, then sleep, sleep an endless sleep, a sleep where i wont wake up in the morning. How nice that sounds, It sounds like paradise. It sounds like exactly what I want right now. I sleep where I never wake up again. One day soon this dream of mine, this dream where I no longer wake up will be reality and I can finally just be in peace, no drama, no pain, no lies, no fake smile, no fake life. All I need is money and once i have that, its a done deal, my life will be over, no need to worry about anything.
The one thing I have to do is make sure Audrey knows that she means everything to me. She has to know that she helped me get better but me getting better i knew it would never last. The parties, the drinking, the drugs they would only keep my happy for so long, they could only distract me for a little. Audrey really did make me happy she really did and losing her isnt any of the reasons I want to end my life, I have wanted this for a long time now, she delayed it. She gave me time to live a great summer, a better one than i could have asked for but now its time for my life to come to an end because I cant do this anymore, I cant breathe any more because it hurts every breath I take of this polluted air hurts more and more. Every gulp of air that I consume to help me live, I wish i didnt. I wish that the world would just stop feeding me the things i need to live, I wish they could just cut of my air supply off. If only it were that simple.
I dont want to wake up in the morning, I dont want to pretend any more that everything is okay and that I am perfectly happy. I am tired of waking up throwing on a fake smile and pretending that i am happy. I just want to smother myself. I just want this to end. I give up on trying to be happy, I give up on everything. I give up on wanting to get better, because the only way to get better is for me to be dead. I dont want to get better, I just want to die. I am done surviving the world. I just want it all to end because life has become more of a chore then anything else.
I have no energy to carry on this way. No energy to have a conversation. No energy to see anyone. No energy to pretend. No energy to exist. No energy to care. No energy. No energy at all. I am just done. I am tired and i am worn out. I dont have the energy to push myself anymore.
People think depression is about being sad. That you just feel "down" all the time. It’s not. It’s like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It becomes you. It drains you of all your emotions, every single one, it even takes away sadness. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. Feeling worthless and alone, like no one can truly see you, like they are looking at you but they see right past you.You feel like you are disappearing to everyone. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s hopelessness, it's not being alive enough to believe there is hope. Imagine waking up and there being no color, everything is just plain black and white. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling completely alone at the same time. Being in a crowed room and feeling completely alone, like you dont know anyone at all. When you’re depressed, it’s not a bad mood. It’s a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave. You can never shake it, not even for a moment. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like there’s no hope left. You dont even want to wake up because you know that its just going to be a day filled with nothingness. You feel like you have nothing left. You feel like there is no point to the world any more. You feel like no one will ever understand, so you just keep quite and put a smile on, so no one questions you. And Depression is so lonely, there is no halfway houses or depressing anonymous meetings. We dont get help like everyone else, they have so many options and I just sit here wishing i could talk to someone about it. The only place we have is mental hospitals but unless you attempt and fail at suicide that evolves you in a hospital getting your stomach pumped or stitches or you have to be attached to an oxygen tank, you dont end up there. I wish i got that bad, actually I dont I wish that my attempt was successful. I'll be trying this soon when i get a little bit of cash because pills cost money.
I guess I am done with this post. I mean I am not sure of what else I want to say.
-Enemy Of My Soul.
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