This time last year, everything was so different. I had different friends and my future wasnt just around the corner. I know that I get into the moods that I want to kill myself before the time comes for me to grow up and be someone, but in reality the pressure of being prefect hits me and i dont want that at all. I dont want to be perfect because that puts so much stress on me and I know that being perfect or at least pretending you are close to it is a lot of responsibility and I can handle responsibility but that that is something else, that is way more than what it seems. I always seem to find myself in this position, sitting in my room, searching for an answer to a question that I can not answer. Will I end up happy, Is my life worth living?
It's what I worry about all the time. I mean I think about other stuff but these two questions never seem to leave my mind. If life isnt worth living then i will not be sticking around to suffer in misery.
Anyway back to the reason I am writing this. Everything in my life this time last year was so different, I was dealing with high school drama that literally made me want to take a knife and slit my throat. I wanted to move from from away, leave this stupid county. Now, my life is so simple, I have priorities, there are things that I need to get done every single day. I have to wake up, paint on a smile, go to high school, work hard in my all honors classes, then i leave half way through the day to go to college. Where I have to strive to do my absolute best all the time. I have no room to make mistakes. Then I go to my old middle school, participate in an internship. Next stop is home, where I sit in my room and do homework for hours at a time.Oh, and not to mention my two AP Online Classes. Next is work. I get home and complete what homework I have left to do. Now imagine trying to fit a social life filled with drama and "he said, she said" lies. I dont have time to even eat three meals a day, I barely have time for one, So I am always running on low energy, which i have no problem with i would prefer to not eat anyway, but then I begin to run on even lower fuel because I get about two and half hours of sleep every night, if that. Some nights its been none. I have been taking adderall every time I get to the point where i can't even keep my eyes open, I know that I have to because I have a lot on my plate. I need all 24 hours in the day to make sure I get everything I can done in the day. This was only the first week of school, the weekend came and I passed out, I loved the sleep but I guess I can only get it on the weekends. I have to live for five days on no sleep and barely any food, mostly water. This school year, my junior year is going to be the death of me, I swear. But at least I am constantly distracted from everything that has to do with finding a girlfriend, or thinking about any of my exes. I don't have time to think about anything but school and work. For one entire week I did not have a single thought about Audrey or any one else. There has only been two people on my mind, If I did get a moment to relax and take a breath, it was either Beth or Miranda. It was only for a moment but at least I still know that I can think of another human being while dying from work overload.
I have no idea how I am going to survive this year but I will do everything in my power to make sure that I get Straight A's and make as much money as I possible can. This year is not about my social life, that will always be there, my junior year will only happen once, I promise you that. I have to work my butt of to make sure that I do everything I can to make this the perfect academic year. I need to get into a good college, I need to break away from this county that makes me want to die. I need to get away. I need to focus on my way out and school is the answer.
I will not think about the events that will come after graduation, I will not be constantly reminded that that is what I intend to do, I will just work towards getting better and getting into Penn State University. I will attend there if its the last thing I do, I will get accepted. I have to. Its the only way out. Its my escape from this hell hole that I live in now.
I have goals, I have priorities, I have a reason to be alive, I have the want to survive. I have a lot more on my plate that means more to me then some stupid argument about who is going to ask Suzie to homecoming. I don't have the time to deal with the bullshit of friendships. I know who I want in my life, I know who is important to me, I will continue to talk to you and create memories, it just might not be as often as you would like. I know who I want in my life, I talk to those people, I let them know that I know they are alive, If I havent talked to people this past week, its because I dont plan on speaking to you at all this year, I dont need you and I dont need the drama that you bring to my plate. I have enough on it already. I hate to just cut ties like that but I dont have time to be friends with everyone, and i dont have time to pretend that I do. The people I am friends with now will be there at the end of the year, I am not worried about losing the people I care about the most this year because I have things under control with that.
Everything is in such a place where i have no room to make a mistake, one mistake and my world comes crashing down. I have a lot on my mind and I have a lot on my plate. School comes first, then work, then family then friends then food and sleep.
This year will be something different, this year will be a year that I remember, this year matters more then any of the past ones did.
Life may be tough but I guess I'll just have to be tougher.
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