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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Brutally Honest.

I haven't been on here in awhile, due to a lot of pure bullshit that has been going on and I just havent been able to write anything. But now it is time to be completely brutally honest. I was charged with two crimes, two felonies and that ended up with me on community control, oddly enough something that should have been the worse thing that has ever happened to be has been the best. The brutality of it is that, I had lost all my friends when I moved to Bradenton with Emily and when they weren't around when Emily and I were at our highest, I thought well damn they dont care if I am happy, they have always seen me sad and depressed and maybe they can't handle my happiness maybe, its to different for them. But lets me honest, they moved on from my pity party to just not caring about me. Brittney she will always be there, but just enough to show that she is, and I don't blame her for that, shes to nice of a person. She sticks to her promises, and one day when I was on my near to death, she promised she would always be just a phone call away and now she literally is just a phone call. But that's not her fault. I pushed her away and trying to get her back was wrong of me. I am to blame for that friendship. Now, the brutal honest about Samie, Damn this girl, I screwed up everything with her being with emily, she was my best friend. I had the best of times with her. She was so much of me that I was nothing without her at least it felt that way when I was in the dog house. She made me happy, the times we spent together, I can never forget them at all. She brought back the light into my life and I screwed her over for the dumbest of reasons but you know when I reached out to her, she came right back into my life and we picked up like we did, on one of the last nights I spent with her, after work we went on a nondate, haha it was a date. It was one of the greatest nights I can remember from back than. And even though she doesnt come around, I cant blame her. All I can be hopefully is that she continues to talk to me because she keeps me sane. like always.
Now, Paige, my dear little sister, the one person, who I could fight with to the death and in the end we would always be okay. There was a point when I thought, I was just that friend that she hung out with when no one else was around but you know through out everything we went through I thought that I wasn't. And when we went to Fort Myers, I realized that she was my rock, she helped me survive through so much, because I always fought for her, to keep her breathing. I knew that she might fall apart if I left and well I couldnt let that happen. She was my baby sister and I loved her more than anything, I would do anything to keep her safe and make sure the people who didnt like her felt like nothing because Paige is talented and brilliant. But now, being on community control, I feel like shes made ever excuse that she can to not see me. I mean shes been by a few times but there has been times that Ive needed her at least to text back and I've got nothing. Brittney talks and sees her almost every day and I get nothing, I get absolutely nothing. I know that being on basic house arrest is hard for everyone to grasp but god damn it, I need my friends, no I need my sister to be there for me, like she was once before. I realize I may let her down and turned into someone that no one likes but FUCK i've always been there for her when she lets me in. It hurts so bad to know that my sister, the only one who ever knew what was going on in my life isnt in my life for real. I know that she has a life and she has brittney but god damn, do I really not mean anything any more. I mean every now and than hey whats up but nothing real. She doesn't care, or maybe she does but she cant show it anymore... I don't know but its been tearing me apart inside and I can't stand not being part of her life, or being important enough to be invited to her graduation. That kills me because she was the only one I wanted at mine.

And now last but not least ever, My absolute best friend, my ride or die, well at least he use to but now I dont believe it. Teejay was there at every darkest moment, he was there when I took an entire bottle of sleeping bills, I beat the shit out of him and yet he watched me sleep to make sure I kept breathing. He was the first phone call I made when I got out of bayside. He was the first person besides my mom that I saw, he slept over the night I got out. He was there through every single terrible thing that happened to me and god because I am being honest and brutally at that, Teejay was literally the sole reason I was breathing on more than one occasion. He is probably the biggest reason I am alive today. He saved me from myself, from the demons inside me and god, if I didnt have him, I would be so different right now. I wouldnt even be writing this post. Teejay, even thinking about everything we did together from the bad to the good makes me smile and giggle through the tears. From smoking to drinking to getting caught smoking at howl o scream to drinking a smuggled in bottle of the worst rum in the world in line to a haunted house with complete strangers but hey they were cute. To fucking parties in my backyard to drinking with nicole at drum circle. From fighting like bitches to hugging and crying because we fought. The times that I had with my TEEEJAAYYY were literally the best times I have ever had. He is one of the most amazing guys that I have ever had in my life. He is so talented and so strong willed and though he acts like a know it all, its okay because he always does know it all. Teejay, is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, he is kindhearted and just so I cant even put him into words. But lately, im just not worth his time, he doesnt care anymore but maybe he just doesnt want to show it. I've left him before and It killed him, so why get close again, Ill probably do it again. Buh. I just want things with Teejay to go back to before I was with emily.


Honestly, I guess I just dont get a second chance with these people. I guess I thought I could but reality says no.