She was the first problem, she was the main problem. She will always be a problem and will always be the reminder to never trust you. She will be the reason I will never say yes or I do. She's the reason I can't have sex with you. She's the reason we will never be anything more than a summer fling.... She's the reason I can't promise you forever. I hate her. I hate every ounce of her but what I hate more is that you will never forget her, she will always be a huge part of your life, she may be your past but she has dug a way into your present... And she'll be around for your future.... One without me because I can't deal with her trying to inch her way back in... She will always win, I am nothing, worthless, stupid compared to the greatness that is Lizzie. All I can promise you is that she is a huge problem for me.
She is your problem and shouldn't be mine but she always ends up under my skin.
I won't move forword til your ex realizes that it's over and that she is an ex for a reason.
-enemy of my soul.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Basically.
The last post was confusing..
This is it simplified:
I cant promise you forever.
I can promise you I will love you and take it day by day.
I will promise you that the love i have for you is true.
No one knows the future... We are young and thats okay. We can take this day by day.
I love you baby.
This is it simplified:
I cant promise you forever.
I can promise you I will love you and take it day by day.
I will promise you that the love i have for you is true.
No one knows the future... We are young and thats okay. We can take this day by day.
I love you baby.
My Heart Is Yours.
First, I must say that I am not leaving you and I don't plan it.
Second, I love you to death, I love you with all my heart, I love you with more then my words can even describe.
Third, I am yours for now.
By that I mean I am 16 years young, I can only promise you today, I can not promise you forever. You say that you want to settle down and yes i know we've both talked about kids and marriage but the thought has sunken in and it scares me so much. I am 16 and i havent really done the date a who bunch of people and when i turn 17 and then 18 I cant promise you that i wont fuck up. I am only able to promise you today.
In reality that's all anyone can promise, no one knows whats going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the next, but in this moment and at this time, I promise that I love you and that you are the most important person to me, you are number one, but marriage and kids all has to wait til Im in my late 20's out of college, have an amazing job and lots of back up money, Kids need a plan, and a backup plan and just in case they dont work another one. And Marriage right after high school... is never want I wanted, It wasnt part of my plan.
Second, I love you to death, I love you with all my heart, I love you with more then my words can even describe.
Third, I am yours for now.
By that I mean I am 16 years young, I can only promise you today, I can not promise you forever. You say that you want to settle down and yes i know we've both talked about kids and marriage but the thought has sunken in and it scares me so much. I am 16 and i havent really done the date a who bunch of people and when i turn 17 and then 18 I cant promise you that i wont fuck up. I am only able to promise you today.
In reality that's all anyone can promise, no one knows whats going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the next, but in this moment and at this time, I promise that I love you and that you are the most important person to me, you are number one, but marriage and kids all has to wait til Im in my late 20's out of college, have an amazing job and lots of back up money, Kids need a plan, and a backup plan and just in case they dont work another one. And Marriage right after high school... is never want I wanted, It wasnt part of my plan.
Lost and Never To Be Found. Happy Father's Day.
Emotions they get lost in all the teenage drama, you lose your sense of who you are and there is that one person who always brings you back to yourself and keeps your feet on the ground, they criticize you but they also encourage you. They tell you that in the end everything will be okay, well I have lost touch with this person, this person was always my dad... He would always make sure i knew that i was doing something wrong but he would also encourage me to fix my action and make it better, do it the right way.
At one point in my life I looked up to my Father, I thought that he was the greatest dad in the entire world, he would take me fishing every weekend... He would take me to baseball games and Nascar races, we would go camping and to seaworld. He was someone i look up to. He was the reason I believed in myself to perform to sing, to write, to be myself, to inspire the world. He was more then my dad, he was my hero. He was someone who inspired me to try everything and to never give up. He taught me to argue my points, make sure that my voice was heard. He taught me to never take no for an answer, to make them give valid points on why the answer is no and persuade them to change their answer. He told me to always ask questions, get every little tiny detail of a story that you can. He taught me to look for the little things, notice when even the tiniest thing has been moved.. He taught me how to people watch, to look for signs of anger, sadness, extreme happiness, he taught me almost everything i know.
He was once a great man but then drugs and alcohol took over, he left me for them. He walked right out the door, I pleaded for him to stay, he just kept going and thats when i lost all my emotions for him, he promised we would still go fishing, lie, he was drunk when he spoke those words. I dont believe anything he says anymore because they may be the words of a man that i once loved and looked up to but all they really are are lies and broken promises.
He drinks away everything and he even disowned me at one point, he never answers my calls, so i dont answer his.
I have given up on him until he gives up on drinking because drinking, the alcohol clouds your judgement you say things that you never wanted to hear come from your mouth, you dont remember saying them either which makes it ten million times worse.
Alcohol is a psychoactive drug that has a depressant effect. A high blood alcohol content is usually considered to be legal drunkenness because it reduces attention and slows reaction speed. Alcohol can be addictive, and the state of addiction to alcohol is known as alcoholism.
That is the scientific definition of Alcohol.
My definition:
Alcohol is a drug, a drug that makes your judgement suck, it makes you forget your family and the ones you love, you only see what you want and then you dont remember a damn thing. You become belligerent, arrogant and ignorant. You become brainless, dazed, deficient, dense and foolish. You become addicted to the aliveness you think you are feeling but in reality you are slowly suffocating your insides, your liver begins to quiver, tremble and dwindle into nothing.
You become a mindless brute.
Happy Fathers Day, Larry. I hope that you enjoy not getting a phone call from me this year. I used to love you, but now I only love the man you used to be. <3
-Enemy of my soul.
At one point in my life I looked up to my Father, I thought that he was the greatest dad in the entire world, he would take me fishing every weekend... He would take me to baseball games and Nascar races, we would go camping and to seaworld. He was someone i look up to. He was the reason I believed in myself to perform to sing, to write, to be myself, to inspire the world. He was more then my dad, he was my hero. He was someone who inspired me to try everything and to never give up. He taught me to argue my points, make sure that my voice was heard. He taught me to never take no for an answer, to make them give valid points on why the answer is no and persuade them to change their answer. He told me to always ask questions, get every little tiny detail of a story that you can. He taught me to look for the little things, notice when even the tiniest thing has been moved.. He taught me how to people watch, to look for signs of anger, sadness, extreme happiness, he taught me almost everything i know.
He was once a great man but then drugs and alcohol took over, he left me for them. He walked right out the door, I pleaded for him to stay, he just kept going and thats when i lost all my emotions for him, he promised we would still go fishing, lie, he was drunk when he spoke those words. I dont believe anything he says anymore because they may be the words of a man that i once loved and looked up to but all they really are are lies and broken promises.
He drinks away everything and he even disowned me at one point, he never answers my calls, so i dont answer his.
I have given up on him until he gives up on drinking because drinking, the alcohol clouds your judgement you say things that you never wanted to hear come from your mouth, you dont remember saying them either which makes it ten million times worse.
Alcohol is a psychoactive drug that has a depressant effect. A high blood alcohol content is usually considered to be legal drunkenness because it reduces attention and slows reaction speed. Alcohol can be addictive, and the state of addiction to alcohol is known as alcoholism.
That is the scientific definition of Alcohol.
My definition:
Alcohol is a drug, a drug that makes your judgement suck, it makes you forget your family and the ones you love, you only see what you want and then you dont remember a damn thing. You become belligerent, arrogant and ignorant. You become brainless, dazed, deficient, dense and foolish. You become addicted to the aliveness you think you are feeling but in reality you are slowly suffocating your insides, your liver begins to quiver, tremble and dwindle into nothing.
You become a mindless brute.
Happy Fathers Day, Larry. I hope that you enjoy not getting a phone call from me this year. I used to love you, but now I only love the man you used to be. <3
-Enemy of my soul.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Empty.
Empty, that is what my stomach feels right now, empty, its turning and twisting inside trying to find some food to devour but it wont. In the past week I haven't felt this feeling and feeling it again makes me want to always feel. I love the feeling of knowing that i control what my stomach is allowed to have.
I love that stomach pain, its like a cramp but not... Its like your stomach is attacking you... It makes me feel alive. My body not having food in it makes me want to never eat again, this feeling is almost as good as sex.
It makes me feel alive, when i can only believe that i have died.
The feeling of my stomach squiring, tightening growling and pleading for food makes me feel 100% better, its just this unbelievable in control feeling. I really dont even know how to explain this feeling. I feel my stomach shrinking inside me knowing that i will begin again only feeding it a little bit of food, it knows it has to adjust to feel full again. Its done this so many times before.
Im not sure what else to put besides the fact that this is the most beautiful feeling besides the love i feel for my girlfriend.
I love my empty stomach. <3
I love that stomach pain, its like a cramp but not... Its like your stomach is attacking you... It makes me feel alive. My body not having food in it makes me want to never eat again, this feeling is almost as good as sex.
It makes me feel alive, when i can only believe that i have died.
The feeling of my stomach squiring, tightening growling and pleading for food makes me feel 100% better, its just this unbelievable in control feeling. I really dont even know how to explain this feeling. I feel my stomach shrinking inside me knowing that i will begin again only feeding it a little bit of food, it knows it has to adjust to feel full again. Its done this so many times before.
Im not sure what else to put besides the fact that this is the most beautiful feeling besides the love i feel for my girlfriend.
I love my empty stomach. <3
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I need someone who wont give up on me.
And that is exactly what God handed me. He gave me this girl that loves me even though she knows what a fuck up I am, and little does she know that i love her with all my heart and it scares me, but if i could trust myself i would be in her arms again. I would fall asleep safely in her arms.I would allow myself to fall even more in love with her. i may be young but this girl gives me feelings that the movies dont even express.
This girl, when we kiss, i get weak in the knees and my heart speeds up like it just did some coke.
when she is around she is all that i see, even if i act like shes not there or im not on top of her the entire time.
She comes into the room and my life seems to get happier. She makes me smile, like only music and writing can. I have something real with her and I just don't know how to say that I really do want to be with her. Its just that the past has so much ridiculous bullshit. But through every fuck up I have done and all the shit that i have put her through she still is standing there next to me, reminding me that she loves me.
The only thing now that stops me is the fact that she doesn't notice the small things... the stuff that really matters the stuff that makes me me. That small information that holds my secrets. she notices me and knows me as a whole but i wish sometimes she would notice the little things. the simple things. If she could see the little tiny things i do that make up the bigger picture, myself then I would leap off the edge knowing that she will be at the bottom of the huge I mean huge cliff/ wall that i am jumping from.
I dont want a second chance to fix us baby.
I want a chance to start from scratch.
This girl, when we kiss, i get weak in the knees and my heart speeds up like it just did some coke.
when she is around she is all that i see, even if i act like shes not there or im not on top of her the entire time.
She comes into the room and my life seems to get happier. She makes me smile, like only music and writing can. I have something real with her and I just don't know how to say that I really do want to be with her. Its just that the past has so much ridiculous bullshit. But through every fuck up I have done and all the shit that i have put her through she still is standing there next to me, reminding me that she loves me.
The only thing now that stops me is the fact that she doesn't notice the small things... the stuff that really matters the stuff that makes me me. That small information that holds my secrets. she notices me and knows me as a whole but i wish sometimes she would notice the little things. the simple things. If she could see the little tiny things i do that make up the bigger picture, myself then I would leap off the edge knowing that she will be at the bottom of the huge I mean huge cliff/ wall that i am jumping from.
I dont want a second chance to fix us baby.
I want a chance to start from scratch.
Just a little thought.
I am terrified of gaining weight, but even more than that, I'm scared of my own thoughts, being alone, dying, living, feelings, expectations, the future, the past... pretty much everything.
Yup, just a little thought that runs through my head all day every day.
Yup, just a little thought that runs through my head all day every day.
Everything.
Everything that is in my mind, the thoughts that go through my head, they are not what a normal 16 year old girl should be thinking of. I worry about what a parent should worry about, I have seen things that people shouldnt ever see... I have been through hell and back because of my family, I mean just last night I sat up scared because someone was knocking at my back door, im jumpy, im scared... Im terrified all the time, It may seem like im this strong picture perfect girl, but if you look deep into my eyes I am a little girl sitting in a dark closet alone music blasting and screaming at the world. Every now and then I just want to punch a wall and just scream but that wouldnt be what a good girl would do. I always smile and laugh like nothings wrong, like there isnt anything in my life thats wrong. But in reality I always feel like the world is falling apart and i cant do anything to save it.
I try not to get close to people, and if I then as soon as I notice it I run, run for the hills, I retreat back into my safe room all alone with a book and my laptop. I may seem like a social butterfly, I'll talk to anyone, I'll help a stranger, I'll do anything that makes me look normal.. that makes me look like im just like everyone else.... But im not.. I think of ways that i could end my life every day... and i believe that is another reason i hate to love anyone or let anyone in... because if one day i choose to be strong enough to just end it all then the people I have let in will sit there and wonder why they didnt see that i was so far gone... they will think its there fault and it wont be, it will be the fact that i have to pretend every day about something, even as small as a smile or a giggle or the words Im fine. (fucked up, insecure, neglected,emotional.) Or a simple im just tired. (torn apart, insecure, really faking this smile, extremely sad for no apparent reason, drowning in my own tears) . I am in love with someone right now and I cant even be with them because it terrifies me that someone who can say i love you back or to me first makes me stumble, lose control of my own thoughts... my brain becomes consumed with them and i start thinking that fairytales can happen in reality. My mind starts thinking of sappy love ballads, I hate it. Love makes me want to puke. Its not something that is for me... I have lost so much already I don't think i could stand losing anymore... So, I push and push and push but they stay, they stand right by me... they let me know that they are there every day and let me know that they love and care about me. I am a complete bitch to this person and they sit there and stay. I don't understand why anyone would want a fuck up like me but all I know is that its way to good to be true. I believe that. I need to remember that I dont get happy endings, they were never my thing.
I am the kind of girl who will always be smiling and looks like she loves to laugh. If you fall, I will be there to help you back up. I will always apologize, even if its not my fault... I will feel like it was/is. Even when i feel like the worse person on earth i feel like the scum of the earth, i will never let you know... I am a girl afraid of love because i have already lost so much, and I am not sure that I can take much more.
I try not to get close to people, and if I then as soon as I notice it I run, run for the hills, I retreat back into my safe room all alone with a book and my laptop. I may seem like a social butterfly, I'll talk to anyone, I'll help a stranger, I'll do anything that makes me look normal.. that makes me look like im just like everyone else.... But im not.. I think of ways that i could end my life every day... and i believe that is another reason i hate to love anyone or let anyone in... because if one day i choose to be strong enough to just end it all then the people I have let in will sit there and wonder why they didnt see that i was so far gone... they will think its there fault and it wont be, it will be the fact that i have to pretend every day about something, even as small as a smile or a giggle or the words Im fine. (fucked up, insecure, neglected,emotional.) Or a simple im just tired. (torn apart, insecure, really faking this smile, extremely sad for no apparent reason, drowning in my own tears) . I am in love with someone right now and I cant even be with them because it terrifies me that someone who can say i love you back or to me first makes me stumble, lose control of my own thoughts... my brain becomes consumed with them and i start thinking that fairytales can happen in reality. My mind starts thinking of sappy love ballads, I hate it. Love makes me want to puke. Its not something that is for me... I have lost so much already I don't think i could stand losing anymore... So, I push and push and push but they stay, they stand right by me... they let me know that they are there every day and let me know that they love and care about me. I am a complete bitch to this person and they sit there and stay. I don't understand why anyone would want a fuck up like me but all I know is that its way to good to be true. I believe that. I need to remember that I dont get happy endings, they were never my thing.
I am the kind of girl who will always be smiling and looks like she loves to laugh. If you fall, I will be there to help you back up. I will always apologize, even if its not my fault... I will feel like it was/is. Even when i feel like the worse person on earth i feel like the scum of the earth, i will never let you know... I am a girl afraid of love because i have already lost so much, and I am not sure that I can take much more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)