Everything.

Everything that is in my mind, the thoughts that go through my head, they are not what a normal 16 year old girl should be thinking of. I worry about what a parent should worry about, I have seen things that people shouldnt ever see... I have been through hell and back because of my family, I mean just last night I sat up scared because someone was knocking at my back door, im jumpy, im scared... Im terrified all the time, It may seem like im this strong picture perfect girl, but if you look deep into my eyes I am a little girl sitting in a dark closet alone music blasting and screaming at the world. Every now and then I just want to punch a wall and just scream but that wouldnt be what a good girl would do. I always smile and laugh like nothings wrong, like there isnt anything in my life thats wrong. But in reality I always feel like the world is falling apart and i cant do anything to save it.
I try not to get close to people, and if I then as soon as I notice it I run, run for the hills, I retreat back into my safe room all alone with a book and my laptop. I may seem like a social butterfly, I'll talk to anyone, I'll help a stranger, I'll do anything that makes me look normal.. that makes me look like im just like everyone else.... But im not.. I think of ways that i could end my life every day... and i believe that is another reason i hate to love anyone or let anyone in... because if one day i choose to be strong enough to just end it all then the people I have let in will sit there and wonder why they didnt see that i was so far gone... they will think its there fault and it wont be, it will be the fact that i have to pretend every day about something, even as small as a smile or a giggle or the words Im fine. (fucked up, insecure, neglected,emotional.) Or a simple im just tired. (torn apart, insecure, really faking this smile, extremely sad for no apparent reason, drowning in my own tears) . I am in love with someone right now and I cant even be with them because it terrifies me that someone who can say i love you back or to me first makes me stumble, lose control of my own thoughts... my brain becomes consumed with them and i start thinking that fairytales can happen in reality. My mind starts thinking of sappy love ballads, I hate it. Love makes me want to puke. Its not something that is for me... I have lost so much already I don't think i could stand losing anymore... So, I push and push and push but they stay, they stand right by me... they let me know that they are there every day and let me know that they love and care about me. I am a complete bitch to this person and they sit there and stay. I don't understand why anyone would want a fuck up like me but all I know is that its way to good to be true. I believe that. I need to remember that I dont get happy endings, they were never my thing.



I am the kind of girl who will always be smiling and looks like she loves to laugh. If you fall, I will be there to help you back up. I will always apologize, even if its not my fault... I will feel like it was/is. Even when i feel like the worse person on earth i feel like the scum of the earth, i will never let you know... I am a girl afraid of love because i have already lost so much, and I am not sure that I can take much more.