I sit here and tell myself not to think of her, yet, I still do and I sit here wondering if she ever thinks of me too.
I know that people make mistakes, We are only human.
I also know that I will always be the first one to forgive.
But I will never forget what you did. My trust will never be fully repaired.
I choose to always see the good in people. This gets me into trouble all the time.
I get used and walked all over but I will sit there and say that I am sorry and that all is forgiven.
Right now in this moment I am so confused on how I am not reeling into an uproar and throwing shit against a wall.
When people get dumped after there significant other "hooked up" with someone more attractive, closer and probably all around better then you, they are out raged. But Me, No I am not. I am content with knowing that she found someone else that has something that is better then me. I know this sounds a bit ridiculous, but if someone finds someone else that gives them something you cant, be happy that person found them because they never really would have had it all in your relationship. This may sound completely absurd but please take a second and think about it. You may not like the fact that you lost someone who you thought was perfect for you but it is just one less person to finding your soul mate. But anyway this is not what this rant is about. Its about that fact that I can NOT get Audrey off my mind.
Its almost like I am constantly thinking of things Audrey would say or do in a situation. When I want to get something off my mind I write about it... Writing about Audrey only made me miss her more, I burned the pencil and paper i wrote on and with. If writing doesn't help i smoke, smoking makes me think about one thing and that is PARTY or well how to get even more fucked up, no one is on my mind... but there was Audrey sitting on my shoulder whispering words she use to say. So when writing and smoking are crossed off the list, I turn to alcohol, when I am drunk I am thinking about anything but my drama and my stress. I am carefree and as free as a bird, my thoughts don't get to me... But there was Audrey, her face was all i could see in everyone, I swore I heard her voice when people talked. I could not shake thinking about her, she was every where. I finally decided that I should just be high and listen to music, my escape from life, I could lay on my bed lost in the sound for days if I was allowed to do that... So got my iPod, the charger and some water and went to my room shut the door put my head phones on and was ready to be completely lost in another world but each and every song that came on I found a connection to Audrey, each lyric meant something and I found a way to link it to Audrey... She was every where, there was no escape besides sleeping, that would do it..I would sleep and dream of crazy shit, scary shit like always, no connections to anything in reality. So I thought that sleeping was my best option well I kind of had to considering it was the only thing left. It was literally my last resort, So I gave it a try, made the room extremely cold, because the colder the room the better chance of having a nightmare, and that is just what I needed. I fell into a deep slumber, the kind where you have the good vivid dreams, the dreams that when you wake up you feel like it wasn't a dream at all, you remember every part. Well the dreams I had there, I didn't want to remember when I woke up because it was no nightmare but I was starting to believe that Audrey was haunting me even in my sleep.
These dreams, I woke from them crying my eyes out, wishing and hoping that they had been true, that reality didn't suck still, that I was finally able to be in her arms with no complications named Taylor.
I dreamed of Audrey showing up at my house in the middle of the night, I am passed out, shes banging on the door. Mother answers and tell Audrey it would be best if she left, It was nothing against her but she didn't want to see her daughter with another broken heart. Audrey pleaded to my mom to let her stay the night, so that she could beg for forgiveness in the morning, that she knew that she had messed up. I heard her talking to my mom and i woke up, told my mom that it was okay that she could stay but we would be outside talking. My mom nodded kissed my forehead and said good night. Audrey and I talked for a little about everything that had happened, i forgave her. We then talked about everything and anything, I sang the song I wrote about her, well Its not about her, its more so about Fmb. But anyway all was good in this fantasy land that my unconscious mind cooked up. But soon that fairy tale came to an end as quickly as it began. I woke up, looked around expecting her to be right next to me, by my side but no I was alone in my house at 3 am. It took a total of 23 minutes for me to fall back into a deep slumber and the next dream I had didn't leave Audrey out like I would have liked it too. This one wasn't as bad as the first one, this one left out her apology, this one left out Taylors', this dream it was the dream of how I wish we would have been, there was no Taylor on either side, we got along and we were great friends but that all that we could be in this dream, this dream Audrey wanted things to move slower then slow. We held hands once the last night I was in Fmb... She came to see me a week after I left and our first kiss happened... in the rain... during a storm while we were stuck in a tent, Ethan in his tent, and Justin in the car. It was a kiss that made lightening strike the water behind us. This may have been completely unrelated but i still think it meant something. Then I woke up in tears again, 6 am and I did not plan on going back to bed, I had enough of Audrey, I couldn't have her, I cant have her. So therefore I don't want to think about her, talking about her blog about her, I don't want anything that has to do with her. I just wanted her gone. But then I had to go and send her a picture message and now I sit her dying inside as she say I miss you and I wish I had you back. Every time my phone lights up with her name I die on the inside, this sounds bad but me dying on the inside is good, its showing me that i am alive, something cutting only did. Audrey makes me feel emotions that I stored away, so i never had pain or actually happiness that could be shattered. She makes me feel all the emotions of the rainbow. (gay pun hehe) But i sit her longing for answers to questions I cant even put into words. Questions that will sit in my pretty little head for days, months, maybe even years going unanswered.
From day one, she has confused me but I stayed around to hopefully one day things would be clear.
Things have not cleared up, at one point the sky was a little less cloudy but a storm is moving in. Im lost at sea with this girl. My emotions are ranging from happy to sad to lost to livid to ecstatic to dazed.
I am lost at where I stand with her, I don't want what she wants from me. I don't know what else I have to give to her, shes took it all in round one.
Basically if Audrey showed up at my house and said Be my Girlfriend Again, I would look at the time write it down then kiss my girlfriend. I am clinically insane, I swear it I am. I have to be to want to be back with Audrey...
To forgive the way I do. To look past the bad and shitty situations and just see the good, I must be insane. There has to be something wrong with me. My brain is not wired right, a screw is loose or something. It must be, that is the only explanation.
-Enemy Of My Soul
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