School starts in 23 days, I love school, I love to learn, I love to see my friends.
Its my junior year and every thing is suddenly so real. My future is right around the corner, This year my grades count majorly. This year I will look at colleges and take my SAT's. This year is all pressure and it's hit me.
I am not good at anything. I have no talent that I shine at, that people refer to when they talk about me. I am not going any where in my life. I have dreams but they are just that dreams. My imagination thinks I am better than what I truly am. I'm just an average, maybe a below average girl. There is nothing about me that sparkles and says that I am going any where.
I am terrified to go back to school. I have chosen to be duel enrolled in a college program that I am not ready for at all. This college program is making me sick to my stomach. What if i fail. What if Im not good enough and cant keep my grades up? I am scared. I just want to hid in the shadows, I want to run away from it all. If I fail, I will disappoint my entire family, I will just prove to them that i really am not as smart as i seem. that I am not everything they think I am.
My brother made a deal with me, that if I get a job then I get a car, he pays for it, I just have to pay insurance and gas... most people would be thrilled and looking for a job, getting one and getting their new car... I am not thrilled. I am apprehensive to this. what if I get a job then I suck at it, i am not good with people. I dont think I could handle taking orders then bringing back the food that is so repulsive, not happening.
Everyone asks why i dont get a job at publix or sweet bay or a restaurant... I hate food, I hate looking at it, smelling it, eating it, throwing it up, playing with it, I hate it. I dont want to work with something I hate. I hate it though because I am scared of it. Scared that if I let food in it will never go away, I will eat myself into a nine hundred pound freak. I can not work with any sort of food.. If I do I might end up killing myself. I would hate to go to work, I would get home and run miles because even just being around food makes me feel like im gaining weight.
Ugh, I hate myself. I know that I look calm, cool, and collected, like I have my shit together. I say I know what I want to do with my life, the college of my dreams has been chosen, where i want to live, how many kids i will be having, I even have their names. But thats all just a big lie. I have no idea what I want to be in life, I not sure that college is for me, I tell people I want to be close to family but in reality I want to be oceans away from the family that has made me feel like i have to be perfect and live up to my older brothers expectations, I dont want kids because I think that I will be a terrible parent and they will end up just like me, I wouldnt want anyone to end up like me. I wrote this picture perfect story of my future in my head and I let my family see it and adults that ask me about what i want in life. I made up this world where I am perfect to my family, I let them see this imaginary girl, I let them take her in and make her look real. I let everyone see that i am stable and that i am not afraid of anything, I can handle it all. I push myself until I feel that I might break and even then I still push to be perfect. I know that I will never truly be perfect because once high school is done and my fantasy world that i put up for everyone to look at and say wow, you really have it all planned out and Im so proud you know what you want and stupid comments like that, It will shatter. When it shatters, I plan to be around for no longer then a few moments. If anyone really saw what i wanted then they would be spending more time with me and working so hard to keep me alive, because the day I graduate is the last full day I will ever know. Its been my plan for some time now. I want my mom to be able to say that her daughter was smart and beautiful. I want to pass at least three of my brothers in school. But my plan since I was in 8th grade is the day after graduation, off myself, there really isnt anything I want to do. I am not going any where in life any way. I just need to finish high school for my mom. But then I have to live for me and I dont want to live. I dont even see why I was born, Im not good at anything, so I dont understand. But right now I am terrified for the last two years of my life. I am scared that I will fail and let my mom down and if that happens, I will not wait for graduation. I will be gone the day i screw up.
The stress of being perfect is ripping me apart inside. I am suffocating. I am slowly dying a little more and more each day.
That pretty smile that you always see, its just a prop that hides me.
-enemy of my soul.
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