One month and ten days just got washed and flushed down the drain.
All the feelings of self hate and disgust are back. The worthless feeling i use to feel all the time is back.
I told myself that i wouldnt let anyone ruin my happiness, that happiness is a choice but when you feel like you are the only one in the world happiness isnt a choice at all. When you think that eating that food made you nine million times heavier then you are...and you purge, that isnt happiness, its depression inching its way back to me. I will never lose the sadness. I will never shake my feelings of low self esteem, low self worth... In my eyes i am useless and there really isnt a reason for me to be alive. I should be six feet under ground, that is where i belong.... in the dark with the spiders snakes and slimy creatures.
I am screaming on the inside, wanting to just to brake out of this ridiculous feeling that i will never be good enough for anyone.
I cant even write right now, I am so frustrated and disappointed in myself. But i do have to say that it felt so good to cut into my skin, brake it, and watch the blood flow out like its a river.
I missed the red pouring from the broken skin. What a beautiful sight.. Even though its twisted and completely not what a normal person would do. There has to be something wrong with me...
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