I have felt a million feelsing for just one person, we have had our up and more than enough downs, we fight, tell each other that we have extreme hate for the other and tell them we hope they burn in hell, where they belong but it is all said compltely out of anger. we soon find common ground and our friendship is repaired. The feelings I have for this one person range from a thousand types of love to the deepest form of hate. They can make me cry at one point in time then moments later have me giggling up a storm. They know exactly what to say to kill my self esteem and make me weaker then ever before but they also know what to say to build my self esteem up and make me stronger then I was before. We have been through so much in just six short months (a little bit more now...) I never would have thought that I would be sitting here in my room writing this after all has been said and done.
I said in a past post that I was going to always write the truth, so once agian here is to the truth...
My mind in still consumed by the thoughts of you but they linger in the back of my mind, they are stored away, sometimes they jolt to the front out of storage. My thoughts of you used to consist of being with you, spending our lives together abd how much i wanted to spend ever second I could with you. Now, my thoughts of you are how much you piss me off to the extent where i just want to hit you until I physically can't anymore, and I am a crying mess. To how I just want my best friend back, the girl that I could go to for everything and anything. My thoughts about you could eat me alive, when they come up front. I have so many thoughts about you that lead me into memories, oh the memories, the ones filled with laughter and the ones that are filled with tears are the most vivid.
Memories, they fade away but the ones that you remember never change, like the people in them do, like the relation you had with the people in them do. You store these memories away to look back on another day. My memories with her involve tears, hitting, kissing, laughing and so much more. There are times when I look back, I remember both good and bad times, I think of the times where we laughed, our first encounter, walmart, the first night I slept at your house, our first kiss, the first time you came to my house, the first time at the beach, you bit me. (I still have teeth marks thank you for that.) I also remember every tear that fell from my eyes and the ones I wiped away from your eyes. I remember the fights, that had us heated for no reason at all. We honestly fought over nothing. Every word you said to me in those fights, sometimes they play on my head, clear as the day you said them. I know what I said to you in those lovely fights of ours, I know that I should have just shut my mouth but as you know I am just as stubborn as you.
I remember the week or so before fort myers, oh that was probably our best days, we had finally got it right, we hadnt fought, we didnt even argue, we just laughed, played uno, loved, we cuddled, and watched movies and everything was just this perfect illusion. The day before my departure you left my side with thoughts that I was going to cheat, which left me with thoughts that you were going to be unfaithful. I remember walking you to the bus stop and crying, getting home and crying... i cried a lot the day we said goodbye... I felt that this next week or so was going to be the death of us and that we had just said our last goodbye, but I wanted so badly for it to not be our last goodbye. The space was the death of us. I talked to Paige about everything, I remember sitting in fort myers, crying once again for about an hour before I ended it with you, It was hard for me to do even if it didnt seem that way. I remember it all... And even though I thought that was the end of our fighting and our good times, I soon learned that it wasnt that easy to get rid of someone you honestly fell in love with, I still answered your calls and txts, I still was subjected to every negative thing you said about me, I still hurt when you got a new girlfriend, I still hurt when you hooked up with another girl when i was with audrey, I still wanted to just find you and slap you and then kiss you because that was we had always done, then the fights got worse and I swore that I was never going to let you hurt me but still every word you said about me killed me from the inside out, you had me cutting again, I was so weak to the words that you spit out of your mouth so easily. Now we are better and all I want is to just have my best friend back, I dont want anything but a friendship because thats how we work best as friends, plus i have an amazing girlfriend and I cant wait to spend my life with her because she is pretty damn close to perfection. But I will always have ten million emotions and thoughts and memories with just one person. I love you even if its not the same as it used to be.
-Enemy of my Soul
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