Six minutes to tell you, how I am going to fall apart without my best friend. How I am tired of crying over him. How it feels like I have lost my other half, the double to my trouble. It kills every part of me knowing that I hurt him the way I did, but all I wanted to do was die and he wouldnt let me. He wouldnt let me have a minute alone, all I wanted was a minute alone so I could break down and cry. All he wanted was to save me from the destruction I was causing. I know that he meant well but at that moment, he was the enemy and the pills were my best friend. The pills were all that I wanted, I wanted my endless sleep. If he wasnt there, I wouldnt be here to type this blog, I wouldnt be here, I would be six feet under, I would be gone, I would be dead. He saved my life, even though I told him that I hated him and that I didnt care about him, I hit him, I threw shit at him, I just wanted him to prove that I was right, that he didnt care, but he did care, he was there for me. He made me hold on. He made me see what I was doing, killing myself was wrong that it was the easiest way to make me feel nothing and everyone else feel pain, just pure pain. He knew that if I took my own life that I would regret the feelings, I would have caused everyone else. Even if he doesnt know it, He saved my life, he has always saved my life. From the day, I called him my best friend he has continuely saved my life, saved me from myself. He was my everything, he still is my everything, I still worry about him everyday, I still have to know that he is okay. I do not deserve to have him back in my life, because like always I fucked up, I did. I know this, I know that I crossed a line that I never wanted to. I never wanted him to be the enemy. I never wanted to make him enemy number one, because enemy number one is the monster inside me. He was my best friend, he was my little brother, he was family, he was one of very few reasons for still breathing, without him I feel like I will not be able to just live, part of my died when he left, when he walked away. It doesnt feel like just part of me though, its like all of me died and now I am just struggling to put myself back together, the puzzle pieces that make up who I am, some are lost, some are ripped apart, some are wet from the tears that Ive cried, most just pulled apart from the others. He was the glue that held me together most of the time. He was the one person I litterally told every little thing to no matter what. I miss him yes, do I deserve him in my life, no. Do I wish I could take stuff back yes, Can I take things back, no. So its time to stop sobbing and being sad, pick myself back up and move on, people come in and out of your life, your life is a revolving door, people walk in and right back out.
Its time to be a big girl and move on.
-Breaking Suffication.
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