Broken, Scared and Alone.

Sunday night my girlfriend broke up with me... She said that I was to much to handle, which I dont disagree with but it hurt, I was crying at work and this man this 50 year old man that I work with was like I will be your friend and blah blah blah, to cut the story short because I dont want to really remember all of it, him and another co worker, a 26 year old male took me to some bars and got me drunk... I may have been flirting but it was the alchol talking, I didnt know what I was doing, I am 17, I shouldnt have been drinking, they shouldnt have let me, they shouldnt have let happen what was bound to happen next. They took advantage of me, I am pretty sure they stole my wallet, they raped me, they made me lose my innocennce. I dont ever want to feel like that again, like I was used and abused and just left to fend for myself, I cant even being to decribe the pain it is to look in the mirror and see me there, I feel like I should just been gone, erased, removed from the face of the earth. It hurts to breathe, I fall asleep crying, I wake in the night from the nightmare of that night. I flinch at the touch of another human being, I am an alien on this planet right now, I am alone, broken and scared out of my mind. I just want to be alone by myself, where I cant be hurt and I cant hurt anyone else.
Than I went into surgery....
That was a calm two days.
Than I got home, and I crashed my car... I cut my arms, I lost control. I cant hold on and be strong anymore, Its not worth it anymore, my friends arent there for me, they have other friends and they arent as fucked up as I am. I am just one big fuck up, who can't do anything right.
I am the girl who falls for the wrong person, whos timing is always off. The girl with the smile on her face even though her world is clearly crashing down. I am the girl who wants to trust but cant do it too easily. I am the girl who is always left to fend for herself. I am the girl who acts confident but in reality is just over compensating for the fact that I think I am fat and ugly and a complete mess, no one could ever like me let alone fall in love with me. I am the girl with the hidden scars, except for today, today I am not hiding my addiction, today I am letting it show for all the world to see. I wont be put down today, I am worth something right now... And Brittany is getting the full effect of the cockiness I have today, I am surprised she hasnt thrown a shoe at me yet.

I am lost and I just want to be found.

-Breaking Suffocation. (trying to break suffocation.)