hopeless.

I feel so worthless, she is trying so hard to keep me happy and make me smile. I love it, someone caring but I am just so lost.. I cant even write what I am feeling. All I know is we went from disliking each other and this awkward situation when we had to be in the same place, to being in the same place, same car same everything; holding hands, kissing and being this cute thing. And I can't help but put my guard up because I don't know where this came from. We werent friends, we werent anything. BUhhhhhhhhh Fuck my life. I am so confused.

Senior Year Spring Break Starts Now!!!!

I would just like to inform my blog that I am on Spring Break Offically!!! Bring on the sun, sand and water. Laughter, bon fires and just some really great times.
I can't wait to blog about all the good times, the crazy adventures, the memories that will probably haunt me, the people that will always be part of me. I have to make this a spring break to remember. I have to make this one count. Ill fall in love, go crazy, drink and not remember, dance on table tops, Just let go and live because this is my last chance to make something fun happen in my high school experience. Some thing I can tell my kids not to do on spring break. I want to make the memory of this one last the rest of my life, I want to look back and remember the great times I had with pretty amazing people.

Let the party begin. lol jk I have to work tonight. and all weekend, MONDAY the party will begin, actually sunday night at work because we are hosting a glow party and I get to work it. YAY!!!
Its on. I hate to say this, I really do but you only live once, I might as well make it a hell of a ride.

-Breaking Suffocation. (trying to, so hard.)

Broken, Scared and Alone.

Sunday night my girlfriend broke up with me... She said that I was to much to handle, which I dont disagree with but it hurt, I was crying at work and this man this 50 year old man that I work with was like I will be your friend and blah blah blah, to cut the story short because I dont want to really remember all of it, him and another co worker, a 26 year old male took me to some bars and got me drunk... I may have been flirting but it was the alchol talking, I didnt know what I was doing, I am 17, I shouldnt have been drinking, they shouldnt have let me, they shouldnt have let happen what was bound to happen next. They took advantage of me, I am pretty sure they stole my wallet, they raped me, they made me lose my innocennce. I dont ever want to feel like that again, like I was used and abused and just left to fend for myself, I cant even being to decribe the pain it is to look in the mirror and see me there, I feel like I should just been gone, erased, removed from the face of the earth. It hurts to breathe, I fall asleep crying, I wake in the night from the nightmare of that night. I flinch at the touch of another human being, I am an alien on this planet right now, I am alone, broken and scared out of my mind. I just want to be alone by myself, where I cant be hurt and I cant hurt anyone else.
Than I went into surgery....
That was a calm two days.
Than I got home, and I crashed my car... I cut my arms, I lost control. I cant hold on and be strong anymore, Its not worth it anymore, my friends arent there for me, they have other friends and they arent as fucked up as I am. I am just one big fuck up, who can't do anything right.
I am the girl who falls for the wrong person, whos timing is always off. The girl with the smile on her face even though her world is clearly crashing down. I am the girl who wants to trust but cant do it too easily. I am the girl who is always left to fend for herself. I am the girl who acts confident but in reality is just over compensating for the fact that I think I am fat and ugly and a complete mess, no one could ever like me let alone fall in love with me. I am the girl with the hidden scars, except for today, today I am not hiding my addiction, today I am letting it show for all the world to see. I wont be put down today, I am worth something right now... And Brittany is getting the full effect of the cockiness I have today, I am surprised she hasnt thrown a shoe at me yet.

I am lost and I just want to be found.

-Breaking Suffocation. (trying to break suffocation.)

When the world around you is crahing down, move out of the way.

Every single day is a new adventure, every day is a new start. You make your own future, you write your own story but sometimes outside situations make that world that you created come crashing down. I literally have worked so hard to make this picture perfect image that people will be proud of. I am graduating high school a year early, I work two jobs and manage to have a social life as well, along with spending time with family. I can maintain a relationship and still have my own time as well. I can do a lot but its all going to crash eventually, thats how life works, you build up a world of magic and someone makes it tradgic. I cant help but have this sinking feeling that not everything is going to work out how I want it too. I have worked so hard for so long to hold it all together, I have busted my ass to pull of things everyone didnt think that I could do. I have made everything look perfect, even though I am crashing and falling apart inside. I have scared out of my mind that building this fantasy world is going to just be one of those things that slowly disappear and than everyone sees who I am really am and all of my dark secrets. I have done everything to hid my past, I have done everything to keep people out of the dark; it has to stay that way. But when do things ever stay the way you want them too.
I am falling apart and when I finally do just break beyond repair... my perfect world that everyone sees is going to collapse and i wont be here to hold it all together, it will just crumple and than my life will be tanted with regret and loss and lies. I am not sure when this will happen but it will, it always does.
I cant even write this anymore, I am being torn apart but I have to stand strong because my girlfriend needs me right now. buh.

My life, I can't handle it.

-Breaking Suffocation.

Striving To Be Perfect... Or is it Starving To Be Perfect...

On monday, I got sick... It's made me not want to eat and now I have this empty pinching feeling in my stomach, like it needs food, it wants it but I know that it can not have it because, I strive for perfection and my body is anything but perfection. It's time to change who I am from the outside in... well maybe from the inside out... Idk but a big change is coming, I can feel it. School is starting to mean more, Work means a lot, I want to be the best girlfriend there could ever be.I hate when I get the sudden urge to change, a lot goes on in my head, a lot of thoughts that shouldnt ever enter a 17 year old girls head, thoughts that could put a grown man or a really butch lesbian to tears. Thoughts that make me want to abandon the world. This change could be dangerous, this change will be different than all the rest, I know it will, I can feel it. I feel motivation, determination pulsing through my veins. I feel the strength to be better building up. I feel it all. This will be good for a little while, but when I cant hit perfection again... I shall implode and hell will break lose in my mind... and on my skin. 

Why do I strive for perfection? Why do I strain myself for perfection? Why do I want perfection and control more than anything in this world? 

-Breaking Suffocation. :/  (should have been posted on Wednesday the 15th, ) 

One Year.

One year of ups and downs, crazy  adventures. Laughing, crying, yelling, the silent treatment and so much more. I have been through so much with one person in the past year, litterally  one year exactly today. She means the world to me but things never work out how you think they are. I wish that we didnt end in the bad way that we did, but shit happens and you have to learn to move on or else the past is going to eat you alive. I know that the past year may have seemed like a waste, like it was all just leading up to this horrible ending but it wasnt a waste, it was an experiece of a lifetime, I got to spend so much time with one of the most amazing girls I know. We grow together but in the end grow apart. I know that people change and we move on but at least I still get to keep the memories, they will never change. They will be there in my head forever. Samie consumed a few chapters in my book of life and now that our story is over, its not just a new chapter its a new part to the book. Samie gave me so much life back and I can never thank her enough for that. She is someone I will alway remember. I will tell my kids the story of us just because I can and I want them to know that its okay  for relationships to not work out even if you think it wont, but it will also teach them to never treat the girl or guy that you love like I did. I was terrible to samie, but she knew what she was getting into . I cant, no I wont sit her and bash her, I dont want to and I wont sit here and say  that this was her fault or mine. It wasnt any ones fault. Things were just not meant to be. Life is moving fast, I have to keep up. I will always remember Samie, I couldnt ever forget, but I know that I can not hold on to the past, for it will never change, its written in ink and even if I burn the pages, it still happened and nothing is going to change. So here is to a new year, a new start and times to just remember that you have to live for today not yesterday or tomorrow.
I've learned a lot in the past year and it is because of her. I can not thnak her enough for what she has done for me and the year that she gave me,I know that I took it for granted at times but I cant change that so I just have to live on.


-Breaking Suffication. and Starting a new life.

When you risk everything, be prepared for the fall.

Every day we live a life, filled with millions of things going on around us but most only notice what directly effects us. Many people dont take notice to things that happen every day, we jump to see the abnormal things but the constants in our life, we know they will always be there. We can enjoy them another day but what happens when those constants disappear and all you have to nothing. What do you do when your entire world gets flipped upside down, everything that you thought you knew was never really there and the people that were in your life are now gone, you are in a completely new enviornment with no one fimilar around. Birds still flutter by, the sun still shines, the moon comes up at night, cars still drive, street lights still change, dogs bark, cats meow and it all seems normal but none of it is, you are some where new, this is your own world. The birds arent the same type, the sun isnt as hot, the moon shines brighter, the stars are bigger, brighter, better, cars are floating, lights change the direction you drive instead of stopping you, cats and dogs are slightly different. It's an entire new world and you created it all on a peice of paper. You brought an entire world to life through your finger tips. You built people, you built everything, you control it all. Every little thing, the people relie on you to keep their stories going. You have the power to keep someone alive or to destroy them were they stand. Its all a masterpiece and it is all yours. Its your own writing written down, a story for everyone to read. That is the greatest form of control you can have, not only do you control your characters, you control the readers emotions, make them shake, get angry, cry, throw the book, be sad for days, be happy for days, its all at your fingertips all you have to do is write, poor out a plot, theme, some characters and bam you have begun writing a book, a novel, my dream. My greatest dream is completely in my hands to write a novel and be published so hundreds of people can read my thoughts, my imagination, my work the one thing that i have always taken pride in. I just have to be motivated to do it, but I am so young, I have no training, I couldnt get a book published. I can try though, I have to try. I have to risk it all to fall hard because maybe at the end of this leap there will be piles of books that I have written and they will be the next best sellers. I have to dream big and when you dream big, you risk it all.

I honestly have no idea why I wrote this, I was just typing, not paying an attention really and this is what I ended up with. Its good, I have to admit. I like when I pour my heart out like that. I like when I realize that I have to do something about my writing because I could be way better than what I am but I dont practice enough.. I dont take enough time to really write and put everything I have into it. I need to take more time to spend writing and reading. I have to spend time on the things that I love. They will keep me alive and sane.

-Breaking Suffocation.

Never have I...

There is a girl, she has been in my life for almost a year, with her things are different we tried dating but it doesnt work, that just leads me to believe that two people can be meant to fall in love but never be together. She literally could get me to do anything in this world, I would give up everything to be with her but I cant do that for someone again, I did that once and it turned out as me hating them and never wanting to speak to them again. I dont want that for this girl, I want her in my life forever, but the thing is, I have dated and had my fun, she just sits there waiting for me to finally be done and ready to settle down. I will never be ready to settle down, not any time soon at all.. In fact it was never a thing i wanted ever, I dont want marriage it just runs everything, it brings out hate inside you that you didnt know was even there. I love this girl, I really do and the last thing i want to do is hurt her, she is my world but i think she should move on because I am just a waste. I am never going to commit to one person, I am going to party and be wild. I have no want to stop and just be with one person. I want to give the world to her and letting her go she would have a lot more of the world than hanging on to something that may never happen because even though i love her, I will never give up who I am, I will never want to stop the random making out with random people. She literally makes me feel like the most terrible person whenever I date anyone or talk or do anything with anyone that isnt her, she makes the guilt hit ten times harder than it should. I cant live to please her if I dont want to and right now even though she is perfect and I want to be with her one day maybe if it were to work out, I still think that she should move on, do her own thing, because thats what i am doing... I am trying to figure out why if two people love each other why cant they be together, oh yeah thats right because that would be a fairytale movie and those dont actually happen in real life. I have to give up on the hope that may still be there because what if it is just false hope and she is holding on to nothing. It is killing her inside, and i cant be the reason her spirits die, I have to let her fly away, I have to stop hoping that one day this will all just fall into place because chances are they wont, they never will. They cant this is reality not a movie or some stupid storybook. We have to stop trying to make it work, we have to stop fighting at some point, I just think that the point should be now because I cant kill her slowly any more. I have to stop, I have to let her go because even though my heart and love may be with her... there is still the hope in me that Audrey will come back. That is sick and distrubing to think but Audrey stole what i gave to Samie, Audrey has what Samie wants. Audrey has me and she doesnt even want me. I have to see what could become of Audrey and I this summer... I have to get Audrey back... And until than I am school, work and no play because there isnt anyone that i want besides Audrey, I am sorry Samie I am but I have to do what my heart is telling me and after reading your blogger, I think its time you give up because I am, I cant hurt you and drag it out, this will probably be one hard stab to the heart but it will be the final wound in this battle of to be or not to be.
I love you I do but I cant stand to do what I have been doing to you and even though i say that i will give up everything, which i probably would if that would really save us but it wouldnt, it would delay the heartbreak. It could only delay the truth, that we arent meant to work out now, maybe never but our paths shall aways be crossed and I shall always remember what you brought to my life. You are a full chapter or two in my book of life and maybe you shall enter in later pages but who knows with this crazy life that i live.
Anything can happen... That is something I can still believe in.

Title?

This, this is going to be a good week. Ill explain more later but I do feel good things coming.

As long as one heart is holding on, hope is never really gone.

I miss you, I thought that I can have fun with other girls and mess around, do as I please but every time I touch someone else, I feel guilty. I feel as if I am betraying you... Like you know and that is why you are not around. I know that it is stupid to miss you and want to be back with you, everyone thinks I am crazy but I am sure that I was meant for more with you. I fell in love with you, It only took a short amount of time, I believe that is crazy but I feel it in my heart, I know that I felt something. I just want to finish what we started because I think that you didnt truly want to end it. I need you to flip out on me, tell me that you dont want anything to do with me, or I want you to tell me that it wasnt the end, that it isnt over, it was just not the right time. I need to figure out if I am hoping for nothing, if every dream is wasted, if the thoughts of something more are stupid.