Phillies: Baseball Season. Check.

Baseball season is here, the time where I strive, the time where I watch endless amounts of games. The time where all I do is eat sleep and breathe baseball. A time where, yes a smile is upon my face and wont be erased til the last game of the year. Yesterday, it was one of the last spring training games and the Phillies were on their game. The plays, the hits, the fans it was Phillies nation in SRQ. I was at home on the field, I was just in the game, I was in my happy place. I was in this place where everything was right, and no one not even ignornant pricks could ruin my mood. The smell of the game, the feel of the sun, the sound of the bat hitting the ball it all electrifys me. Every thing about baseball makes my spine have chills, my bones stand stronger, my mind be clearer. Ah baseball and the effects it has on me, I love it. I love every inch, all the sweat, the smell, the sounds, the food, the drinks, the look, just everything. It all makes me strive and just ah. I cant even put into words how amazing it feels to just be in the stands of the game.

-Breaking suffocation.

Everything is going to be okay.

In the car...

To the hospital I go,
I'm on my way right now.
to find out what will come of me
To understand what was found.
I'm going there with my head held up high and no fear in my dark brown eyes because I know that whatever the doctor tells me, I have you by my side.
I wish I got to hold you hand when he tells me what is wrong but that can't happen, not right now.
I know you want to be here, I know you would if you could.
But half of me says its best you wont be there, because if things are bad and only going to get worse, I want to cry before I try to tell you that I can't avoid the sickness that will soon consume me.
I know that no matter what we will make it through, I just don't want this to take a toll on you like it has done to me for so many years. I am not scared about what will happen to me, in scared about what this could do to you.

-breaking suffocation.

Things to blog about tonight.

In this blog: The Phillies game and how it all makes me feel.
Six feet under: The thoughts that I had growing up the ones that made me smile like a princess, the thoughts that made me think that one day, I would be taken away to my castle.
Every Breathe: How I want to make you feel, the things I want to tell you.

A lot to type up tonight!!!

I have six minutes...

Six minutes to tell you, how I am going to fall apart without my best friend. How I am tired of crying over him. How it feels like I have lost my other half, the double to my trouble. It kills every part of me knowing that I hurt him the way I did, but all I wanted to do was die and he wouldnt let me. He wouldnt let me have a minute alone, all I wanted was a minute alone so I could break down and cry. All he wanted was to save me from the destruction I was causing. I know that he meant well but at that moment, he was the enemy and the pills were my best friend. The pills were all that I wanted, I wanted my endless sleep. If he wasnt there, I wouldnt be here to type this blog, I wouldnt be here, I would be six feet under, I would be gone, I would be dead. He saved my life, even though I told him that I hated him and that I didnt care about him, I hit him, I threw shit at him, I just wanted him to prove that I was right, that he didnt care, but he did care, he was there for me. He made me hold on. He made me see what I was doing, killing myself was wrong that it was the easiest way to make me feel nothing and everyone else feel pain, just pure pain. He knew that if I took my own life that I would regret the feelings, I would have caused everyone else. Even if he doesnt know it, He saved my life, he has always saved my life. From the day, I called him my best friend he has continuely saved my life, saved me from myself. He was my everything, he still is my everything, I still worry about him everyday, I still have to know that he is okay. I do not deserve to have him back in my life, because like always I fucked up, I did. I know this, I know that I crossed a line that I never wanted to. I never wanted him to be the enemy. I never wanted to make him enemy number one, because enemy number one is the monster inside me. He was my best friend, he was my little brother, he was family, he was one of very few reasons for still breathing, without him I feel like I will not be able to just live, part of my died when he left, when he walked away. It doesnt feel like just part of me though, its like all of me died and now I am just struggling to put myself back together, the puzzle pieces that make up who I am, some are lost, some are ripped apart, some are wet from the tears that Ive cried, most just pulled apart from the others. He was the glue that held me together most of the time. He was the one person I litterally told every little thing to no matter what. I miss him yes, do I deserve him in my life, no. Do I wish I could take stuff back yes, Can I take things back, no. So its time to stop sobbing and being sad, pick myself back up and move on, people come in and out of your life, your life is a revolving door, people walk in and right back out.
Its time to be a big girl and move on.

-Breaking Suffication.

I have this feeling that I'm not going to make it home at all. I have this bad feeling about driving tonight, like something bad is going to happen. Its this gut feeling that wont go away.

Being sick sickens me.

<p>I feel like shit and all I want to do to is blog and just be in this ball of sickness.&nbsp; I just want to type all of my feelings away, so they can't haunt my mind anymore. I'm to fucked up to even be in a relationship because I can't make the girl I'm with happy. She feels like she has to keep holding me up she feels like she isn't good enough, and I don't understand why she is better than good enough. Its me that isn't good enough. Its me with the problems. More on this later.

-breaking suffocation.

Expect the worst.

Be prepared for the worst. Be prepared for self hatred. Be prepared for not being good enough.  Be prepared for a rant on how I don't feel good enough,  how I can't let her be my rock because she is already holding so many up. Be prepared for me falling apart but not letting it show expect on here. Just be prepared because it can't be avoided.

-breaking suffocation.

Perfection

My Girlfriend and I !!!! She is perfect in every single way.

Fate, soul mates and fairy tales.

Things that I've always thought were just in the movies or just in the books that I read, are slowly coming true in really life. I feel like it was fate that has made the good and the bad happen. That it ha all been leading up to meeting Emily and finally having that feeling pure happiness, that feeling that this relationship could actually last for a while. That want to be a better person, that need to be around them. It all feels like this fairy tale that won't ever end. I know that all things come to an end but sometimes in books and movies couples stay together for really long amounts of time. I think it may even happen in reality too. All I know right now is she gives me this feeling this fight to stay around and just let things be. She gives me the want to stay alive for more than just Paige. She is giving me a reason to breathe. She is taking all the pain away. She is making my life well my social life better . Making things just blissfully amazing. She is just amazing, she is this perfection that lights up my world. She isn't just the light in my day she is the light at the end of the tunnel. She is the apple to my pie. The pop to my tart. The water to my melon. Lol hehe. She is so many things and I can't even begin to describe how she pus the stars in my sky. She puts the smile on my face. She puts the blade down. She puts all the bad into this far far away land where it is to never be seen again. She makes me actually happy and that is a very hard thing to do. I'm falling into thi fairy tale in my reality, hoping that I don't wake up to a nightmare where this is all to good to be true. But in my heart and in my head I do believe that this is just right and it's exactly how things are supposed to be. Fate brought us together in fighting but soon realized dating and caring and this feeling of safety was so much better.

The world works in mysterious ways.


-breaking suffocation.