Buh

Buh is the only word I can come up with that explains how I feel right now. Buhhh Buh buhhh buh Buh.

Being with you

<p>Being with you saves me. <br>
It saves my soul.<br>
It saves my heart.&nbsp; <br>
Knowing that you will stay even if the pee stick says positive makes me feel so safe and secure. <br>
You being around makes me feel as if its all going to be okay.<br>
You promised you'd never leave, and in my heart and my mind, I know you're forever mine and I'm forever yours.
This is all so crazy, this is all so weird.
I haven't felt this happy since the day I met Meghan. Meghan sucked all of the happiness out of me. But Emily feeds it right back into me.
knowing that she defends me and stands by me even when I'm breaking down and losing control, makes me just want to be normal, not have a thousand and one issues. She saves every part of me. She just puts this smile on my face that never wants to disappear,  it fights the depression, it scares the depression right out of me. She makes me want to have sober fun, like I don't have to be high off of something or be drunk to have fun. We can sit around and do nothing at all and it still is the best time in the world.  I don't want this to go away because this is how I am supposed to feel, happy. Good. Great. Pretty. Loved. She changes everything. Every single thing I thought I knew, she's changed.
more on this subject later. Tehe.
#winning.

-breaking suffocating. 

Repeat.

Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust
Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust  Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust
Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust  Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust
Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust  let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go

Just live.

-breaking suffocation.

Expiration date .

It's not a thing that can be changed. It wont be no matter how happy I am. I will always believe that the world will be better off without me. Nothing can change that. I'm not good enough. I never will be. Even if I am, I still wont be able to believe it. I am sorry. It's just a fact. 

Just push

Hahah. That title could mean so much. Just push a baby from your vagina. Just push your fears away. Just push yourself down stairs. Just push yourself away from everyone because you have them get attached to you because June 2cnd is your expiration date. Just push.  Just keep pushing.

Feeling

Like shit. Paige Buh. Buh. Buhhhh buhhhh. She's gonna end up walking away. Buhhhh

Yeah... fuck up

It always happen every time. Its always something. I can't just be content with actual happiness. I have to get more and when Tj is around getting high is easy and fun cause than I can tell him anything without getting a lecture. So its all okay. But Buh. I fucked up. All day every day. Doubting worring. Wondering.  Buh Buh.

Letting go of fears

The fear to be happy is so much lesser than what she is starting to mean to me. Every look she gives me makes me have chills. With every touch my heart stops for moments. Every minute spent with her is this happiness that is really indescribable. I have no need or want to give up, walk away or slowly disappear.  She makes me want to stay and be in this ball of happiness. At times it feels like it is all to good to be true. She makes me smile with just her presence.  I wont push her away like I do to all of my happiness. I'm giving in, letting joy take over because with her I wouldn't have it any other way. I've never felt this happy for so many days since sixth grade on the retreat. I don't care what anyone else says, I don't care what anyone else tthinks, this happened so fast and so weirdly but its okay, I don't care that we had issues in the past, I don't care that when we first met she wanted to beat the ffuck out of me and I was not going to let that happen, my mindset was send her to the hospital.  But none of that matters because we are both happy with each other. At least I think she is happy, she says she is so I believe tthat. I wont let happiness just pass me by like I have always done.

-breaking suffocation.

Buh

Even more insecure right now

A mind set like a depressed pyscho.

I should have every reason to be happy right now and just in this blissful ball of happiness but my mind just continues to worry about little things that don't matter at all because nothing has really changed about us at all. I feel happy. I want to bbe happy. I want to be normal but my normal is freaking out about things that I obviously didn't do wrong but I still feel like I'm not good enough or that I don't do anything right. That I can't make her happy which is all I want. My mind is so fucked up its beyond repair I can't even being to understand why I still look for ways to not be happy. She makes me ridiculously happy. She sits there and is trying so hard to keep a smile on my face but as soon as she isn't by my side I break down I start to doubt myself not her. She is never the problem its me and my mission to never be happy. I can't explain it but its true nno matter what I do I'm always looking for a way to end up six feet under. But with her I drive safer I look both ways.... I look for ways to survive again. and that means walls lots of them have crumbled. They are gone. To be honest only one is left and that wall is all my inner thoughts, everything that pops into my head. I'm getting attached to her and that's all posion to my mind. I want her. I only want her. I want that long relationship with tons of cute dates and photos and blog post that are sp cute they make you want to puke.  But as the title says my mind is set like a depressed psycho... Buh. Can I turn my mind off and just let my heart and body take over. Can I stop over thinking????

-breaking suffocation.