The Truth, That is such a difficult subject for many people including me. Some times you feel that a lie is easier then telling the truth or that the truth will be to hard for the person, the world to hear but in the long run, lies complicate everything, you have to remember every detail of the lie, you can't slip up. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said.
So here we go, the truth, The truth is that I get these random burst of happiness but in reality that is all they are, they are not a sign of recovery. I am still going to cry myself to sleep every night. I am still going to take every word that every single person has said to me and analyze it for days, let it tear me apart, it's just part of me, its who I am. I have shrived to be perfect for my brother and my mother for so long that I feel that I have to be perfect for everyone and considering I can't do that, I always feel like I have failed in some way, shape or form. There is never a day where I don't feel like shit because I didn't do something correctly or I didn't help as many people as I could. I have the hardest time being happy and just letting the good in the day take over, I have to always do everything I can in a day, and most of the time, I don't have enough time to do everything that I should have done. So some nights, I don't sleep because that gives me all 24 hours of the day and still I don't complete everything I wish I could have.
Next Truth, I am addicted to cutting. It is getting worse not better... I may not do it as often any more but when I do take out the little blade for play time, I go at it with no intention of stopping but something in my mind always whispers to stop before its to late and I dont have the chance to prove everyone wrong. I would love to take y own life, self assistant but if I do that, it solves my problems but it cause hell for the people on earth that care about me, there may not be many but the ones that do would blame themselves, they would sit for hours and wonder what they could have done differently, why they didnt see me screaming out for help silently. If I take my own life, it causes problems for to many people and that would make my death, not what I want, I want my life ending to solve all of the problems that it can, and taking my own life would be selfish and it wouldnt help a damn person but myself, So even though I would like to slit my throat, throw myself of a bridge or a building, take as many pills as I can buy, I can't. I have to suffer through the hell that is my life and make myself look happy because even though I feel like shit and that death would be great, it would cause an imbalance in the universe and I wouldnt be helping a single soul besides maybe Taylor, because she would rather me take my last breathe really soon, her life would be ten million times better with out me breathing the same air as her, she wishes that I was dead, and if my death wouldnt upset things, she would get her wish, she still might. I havent decided yet. I have time obviously, I apparently have an entire life time.
Next Truth, I don't care if people have a problem with me because that means I am doing something right. I did something that pissed off someone else, and that means I am doing it right. It means I am living for me (slightly). It means that I have made a wave in the calm waters and you wont get any where in life just by floating on a calm sea, some times you have to make a wave to get somewhere.
There are so many truths that I could put on here but I will save them for another article because I am about to pass out. My Junior Year is going to be the death of me.
