A thought lost in the wonderland of my thoughts.

<p>To think that this time just one short year ago everything seemes to be crashing down beside me. My one answer to fix it all was ending my life, riding myself off all the evil around me, riding myself from the world and letting all the lies come crashing down without me there to catch and cover them. My one way ticket to never feel anything again. My out to all the pain, my out to slowly suffocating. Truth be told since bayside I have cut, I have smoked, I have done the things that hurt me most yet make me remember that I am alive, remember that blood pulses through my veins, makes me see that I live for a reason, I'm here on this planet for a purpose. And through all the ups and downs of everything that's happened I still stand strong on knowing that I will never put in my head that my death will solve all the problems that I create inside my head in that dark place where I know I can not venture. My 18th birthday right around the corner, the day I choose so long ago to be the date I take my own life doesn't sit that way any more. That day will be a day I choose to celebrate the freedom from my childhood, my deceptive, crazy, dungeon childhood. It will be a day to change the darkness inside me to a bit brighter hidden passage. I don't think the darkness will ever fully go away but I know that this birthday will be such a change auch a relief even though so much has changed. This birthday will be about me and not the picture perfect me that so called family wants so badly. This day this birthday will be mine and I won't let anyone or anything take it away from me. I won't be the reason I won't see another day. September 27th 2012 will be a happy day a day that was made for me. It can finally be a celebration. 

Enemy of my soul.

Crying, cold, lost and leaping.

I feel like I am losing you. We have all this time together and yet it feels like we are a thousand miles apart. You dont kiss me like you use to, you dont look at me how you did that first night... You dont look at me the way you did that first night before I kissed you. I know that i havent been out of boxers and i dont do my hair, i throw it up and leave be and i know im not wearing make up or jewerly and i am sorry that im not pretty and that i cant keep your attention. I dont want sex every night I dont really want it at all right now in your house but i want the attention, the maybe it could happen, I want the passion in our kiss, I want a moment alone where we are actually some what close. Where you can kiss me without the want of stopping. I want that knees weak breath taking kiss that you gave me just a week ago. 

I just feel like we are falling apart as a couple. We havent just done something cute and couple like in forever. I just want to have a fucking picnic with you or something. Smoking a cigarette outside isnt enough. I am sorry but I want that romantic relationship at times. I never want to lose the passion the love the looks the touch the everything. I feel like I am asking for to much. you are getting sick and everyone else is sick and Im just over here all lost and confused on what i am even going to do with my life. I dont have a job i am not going to school. Im lost and hurting and you want to help it all go away but you cant because no matter how well you treat me i am always going to feel like it would be better if I were dead. I sit here and cry and I feel like I am turning into a failure. I am nothing. worthless. stupid. far from perfect. far from anything that I want to be. I am failing as a daughter, my mom used to mean so much to me, she used to be my best friend and i dont know what happened. I lost her and I lost who i was. I dont know how to find myself and i dont know how to recreate myself like i normally do. I am so close to you but I still feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. I have no connection to paige. I barely think about tj. Im losing everything and soon enough i will have lost you and when that happens... Everything and everyone will lose me. Ill be six feet under. There will be no second thoughts no time to think. I will be gone, it wont take a few days to do it wont take a few hours, ill be gone in minutes. moments. seconds. I dont know where I am to go with this writing any more so i am going to shut up and go to sleep next to you. I am going to wipe away the tears, make it look like nothing happened. 

-breaking suffocation.

Blah

With everything that has been going on right now... I haven't had time to blog. I haven't had time to think. I haven't been able to do much of anything. I haven't felt anything.  I have no emotions. I have no words. I have nothing. 

Still unsure..

I am unsure that this is where I should be typing this either, maybe I cant figure out where to put it because well, I want to just keep quiet, I dont want my thoughts to be known, you get mad or sad or something when you read my thoughts, I am sorry that I have fucked up thoughts, if you were in my head you would cry. you would probably never ne able to speak again. Anyway not what I wanted to blog about...
I denyed you last night at first, I started the trouble and than stopped it, I dont know why I stopped it exactly, maybe its just cause when I lose trust or im having a shitty day or when I am just blah, I lack compassion, I lack the feelings that you need to have sex with your girlriend... I stopped it, I stopped it and i felt like shit, I felt like I fucked up like that wasnt okay, that I could lose you for such a small thing. I went outside and cried, gave myself a pep talk and new that I couldnt deny you..I had to let you do what you wanted. I couldnt just let all of that fustration go to bed, I had to get over my fears, I had to let them go, I had to just know that its you and not anyone else, that I am safe wrapped around you...that you wont hurt me and that you will stop if I really needed you too. I have to just let you in, let you in all the way, not care about you getting close, thats what that was last night, not allowing you to get close to me last night.

I cant write anything right now, I am way to tired and this blog post doesnt belong here, I dont know where it belongs, probably suffocating my mind, thats where it belongs. Where no one can have it.


-Breaking suffocation.

I am so aggravated.

I don't know where to type my feelings, I dont know what my feelings even are. All I know is I want to be in your arms, I want to feel you close, I want to hear your heartbeat, I want to hear your voice tell me that it is all going to be okay. I want your words to confirm that she is lying. I want to know that you actually love me, that this isnt just a game, I want to believe you I do, but she makes some vaild points. I tell you all the time that I love you and you say it back but do you tell your friends that you love me... You talk shit about Rosie, Ive heard it, she was your everything, you call me that now, is it just a matter of time before the shit talking starts. I hate to think this but will I end up just like Rosie, bitter and mad at you. You have a million girls on your dick, you tell me all the time... You could have any of them, I know that most of your time is spent here with me but you cant get mad at me for my thoughts, sometimes they wonder. You have my ring and that means so much, I never in the past would have given anyone a ring, Samie strived to get that ring, she wanted it so badly. You have, you are the one I want to settle down with, marry, buy a house, have children with, you are the one I want to spend all my days with. You are the one I want to grow old with. But I have these doubts, I dont want them. I want to see you in person, I want to talk this through, I want us to be okay but her words have just as much meaning as yours do. You could easily lie to me, you dont want people in our relationship, you are amazing at deleting text messages, you have so many girls that you could have, what makes me the one, what makes me so special that you arent talking to any of them, you mention them on the daily... like you have to make it clear that you could have anyone but you dont, you are with me, its like a pity thing, at least thats how I feel. I want the truth about Rosie, I want to know what she actually meant at one point, I want to know what you did with her, why she wouldnt date you. I want to know it all, I am tired of the damn lies, of the not knowing. I want to hear you say the damn words. I want you to tell me what you really feel. I am sorry that I feel like this, I am sorry there are doubts, I am sorry that I cant just trust you, I am sorry that I had to hear her out, I had to listen to her words. They mean something, that sounds bad but they do, all we have are words to believe in. I listened and heard what she had to say, she made points, points that I've thought before. I have given you everything, every once of love that I can.  I have given up so much for you. I have made plans with you, an apartement a 12 month commitment. I promised you that I will always be here, that I love you, that you are my everything, that one day I will marry you. You have all of me and I feel like I have nothing of yours. I tell you everything and if I dont its on my blog and you read about it, you find out by me some how. I tell you eventually if its not on my blog. Emily, I love you to death, I love you to the moon and back, I just have to make sure what you say and do with me is true. I just need to hear those words, I just want to hear those words, I want to be in your arms, feel your touch, kiss your lips... I just want to be around you. With you, I know that I am okay. Morgan cant be right, she cant, I cant feel this much with you not feeling anything. It doesnt work that way it doesnt. It cant. You love me, you care, you want this just as much as I do. You wouldnt lie to me, you wouldnt, you couldnt... I am right about this. We are true, this is true, its all okay. Shes wrong, I am right, you are right. I am hoping, I am praying that she is wrong.


-Breaking Suffocation.

Random Junk.

• I hope someday, you find all my quotes, all my blogs, all my words and read them. And Ill hope that you know that they are all about you.
• You never leave my mind, even when I have a million things to worry about.
• Ill tear down the stars just to give them to you. they arent as pretty as your eyes, but I guess they will have to do.
• You are my gravity.

You are occupying a good sized apartment in my brain. I cant get you out, no eviction notice on the door. I hate the distance between our bodies our mouths my hands that could be touching your soft skin. I hate that that is what I want to do, right now. It makes my life seem pointless, Id rather be there, Id rather be doing anything with you, watching your eyes as you look at things. the way you smile at human beings that you encounter. how they smile back. Id be happy and proud being just that close to you. Id feel special, I just sit here. I sleep in, I make some tea, I have a stomach ache. I spend my days thinking about what you are doing, its not healthy but its nothing new. Whenever Im not with you, its all I can do.

Forget the fear, it's just a crutch.

I got a matching tattoo with one of my best friends, a girl that I've literally gone through so much with, I realize that the bad in our friendship is because of me and how I react to things, she doesnt do anything wrong, she is just being her, doing what she wants, and I should understand that of all people. We are complete opposites, now at least the ink on my arm keeps me connected to her, now I can never forget her and she cant forget me.. We will fight but we will always have eachother there by our sides, I can never fully lose her now. She means so much to me, I never want to be the reason why she hurts and recently I just cant do anything right and I always seem to have to be fixing things. I will always fix things with her though, because she is who she is and that can never leave my life completely. I would fight the entire world for that girl. I hate to see her upset, I hate to know shes hurting, I hate that she doesnt feel good enough and I hate that I can't make her see what she really is, how amazing and worth something she is. She wont see it until shes ready, its easy to be the fuck not so easy to be the one who is always getting things right. I understand that shes been through a lot, I understand she is still going through some stuff. I know that its hard for her to let people in but I wish sometimes that she would let me in just a little bit more than she has before, I know I am not good with people telling me things that should be sad and upsetting, I know I never know what to say but I want brittney to jsut let me in. At one point in this friendship we were so close and now there are days when I know i dont cross her mind. That girl is something else, I swear.

"Forget the fear its just a crutch. and it only holds you back. "

-Breaking suffocation.

Spider Webs.

 My thoughts are intertwined like spider webs, they weave in and out, than back around and over again. They web around my mind and catch all the thoughts that even i dont want to have. If you only knew the ones of you, you could see that I do actually love you, we may have fought and loved, we have broken each other and helped each other up. But enough of thoughts of you even though they consume my mind all day and night.
 I am stress beyond belief, I have to deal with so much in the next week, I have finals, I have to make a decision on what I am doing with college because once again I have proven that I am a failure. I cant do anything right, I cant make anything i

Today.

Today I must complete geometery. End of story. I have like ten things left to do. I will get it done.
Today I must complete six hours of work for the first time in two weeks. Buh.
Today I must start the hunt to find a house to make a home for my brother, my girlfriend and I.
Today is going to be a good day. Yay. :)
Today I wish that my girlfriend could sleep over because my mom works overnight.

That feeling

That feeling of knowing that you are hungry, knowing that you should just eat but that feeling of hunger that pain of your stomach just that feeling of it moving trying to come up with something to eat, it pushing and turning give me this feeling of satisfaction. Satisfaction that I control it. Satisfaction that its going to be okay cause at least I am in full control of what gets chewed thirty two times and goes down my throat into my stomach where its surrounded by acids and fluids that eat it that make it turn into nothing. This feeling of hunger is like a high to me but it makes me antisocial tired bitchy emotional for a while I hate that but one day with out eating at the end of the day going to bed hunger makes me feel so much better the mean goes away and I can sleep so much better. Not eating the pain of not eating feels so good. It gives me this complete feeling. This spectacular feeling of being alive.
I hate know that I should eat and people want me to eat. I hate that but if only they could feel it the way I do. They would never want to eat.
Buh I hate that when I don't eat I get grumpy and tired. That's the only thing I hate about it. That and society doesn't approve but oh well I will always rebel against the Capitol. 

- breaking suffocation.