I am sorry, I abandoned my blog for months.

I havent been on here in forever, and that makes me sad. I hate that i have been so busy with school and my new job and getting ready for two weeks vacation, my laptop is broken and well yeah everything has just been building up and well as soon as winter break starts, there are a few things that i hand wrote that i cannot wait to have expressed on here. This is my blog and i have been a terrible blogger. I need to start getting back to blogging almost every day. So much has happened and i feel like its all just built up inside me and i need to get it all out on here.

But anyway, this blog used to be sad and depressing and expressing every emotion that i felt and i am still going to do that but my tone is going to be a little different, more of a postive outlook I guess you could say. I am changing every single day and I cant wait to let the world see that I am growing up and everything is going to be okay in the end. I can survive and I will. I will live my life and I will be stronger than ever before in every single situation I have to handle. And when everyone would understand if i just broke down and cried, gave up just once, I wont, i will keep going, I will go on stronger than anyone else. I will be the best me that I can be and no one, i mean no one will ever make that stop. I am nikki and I am the best damn me that i can be.

No one can hurt me anymore because I now know what I stand for and who I am, so now no one can take that from me. I will lead myself into greatness. I will be something greater than anyone ever thought I could be.

This is the start of a new beginning. This is the start of something new. This is my view from brand new eyes.


I think that every week, I am going to post at least two writtings that come from my experience in the week, my feelings, my life and than at least one post with a question/random topic as the title and my answer as the blog. I will pick a random question/topic, either from the news, or something I feel strongly about, pretty much anything. I am trying to write in different forms and just continue to get better in my writing. I have a year and a half left of high school and I want English or Writing as my major. I have a new goal in life and well I wont but it all on this post, but get ready for something completely new.

Live, love, laugh.
Live your life your way and to the fullest.
Love yourself before you try to love someone else, but always have an open mind to others.
Laugh at yourself, Laugh at things you find funny, Just laugh, its healthy.

I dont think you understand i would still do almost anything for you.

Sometimes i honestly believe it would be easier just to end it all cause im sick of all the lies.

It would be so much easier just to kill myself.

You are so ridiculously good for me.

My birthday, in four hours...

Hopefully I'll go to sleep and not wake up to another day in this bullshit life of mine.
Maybe tomorrow if I'm still alive, I'll head to the bridge, I'll stand there on the edge and jump, end it all because quiet frankly that sounds beautiful to me. Death. Please come to me. My wish on my candles isn't coming true fast enough. I don't want t live another day in this hell I call a life. I honestly believe it's time to end it all.


I don't want to continue breathing any more.


Maybe my birthday is the perfect day to end my life too, it's the perfect death date.


Goodbye, hopefully. Hopefully it's all over tomorrow.

A million feelings, a thousand thoughts, hundreds of memories, all for one person.

I have felt a million feelsing for just one person, we have had our up and more than enough downs, we fight, tell each other that we have extreme hate for the other and tell them we hope they burn in hell, where they belong but it is all said compltely out of anger. we soon find common ground and our friendship is repaired. The feelings I have for this one person range from a thousand types of love to the deepest form of hate. They can make me cry at one point in time then moments later have me giggling up a storm. They know exactly what to say to kill my self esteem and make me weaker then ever before but they also know what to say to build my self esteem up and make me stronger then I was before. We have been through so much in just six short months (a little bit more now...) I never would have thought that I would be sitting here in my room writing this after all has been said and done.
  I said in a past post that I was going to always write the truth, so once agian here is to the truth...
   My mind in still consumed by the thoughts of you but they linger in the back of my mind, they are stored away, sometimes they jolt to the front out of storage. My thoughts of you used to consist of being with you, spending our lives together abd how much i wanted to spend ever second I could with you. Now, my thoughts of you are how much you piss me off to the extent where i just want to hit you until I physically can't anymore, and I am a crying mess. To how I just want my best friend back, the girl that I could go to for everything and anything. My thoughts about you could eat me alive, when they come up front. I have so many thoughts about you that lead me into memories, oh the memories, the ones filled with laughter and the ones that are filled with tears are the most vivid.
  Memories, they fade away but the ones that you remember never change, like the people in them do, like the relation you had with the people in them do. You store these memories away to look back on another day. My memories with her involve tears, hitting, kissing, laughing and so much more. There are times when I look back, I remember both good and bad times, I think of the times where we laughed, our first encounter, walmart, the first night I slept at your house, our first kiss, the first time you came to my house, the first time at the beach, you bit me. (I still have teeth marks thank you for that.) I also remember every tear that fell from my eyes and the ones I wiped away from your eyes. I remember the fights, that had us heated for no reason at all. We honestly fought over nothing. Every word you said to me in those fights, sometimes they play on my head, clear as the day you said them. I know what I said to you in those lovely fights of ours, I know that I should have just shut my mouth but as you know I am just as stubborn as you.
  I remember the week or so before fort myers, oh that was probably our best days, we had finally got it right, we hadnt fought, we didnt even argue, we just laughed, played uno, loved, we cuddled, and watched movies and everything was just this perfect illusion. The day before my departure you left my side with thoughts that I was going to cheat, which left me with thoughts that you were going to be unfaithful. I remember walking you to the bus stop and crying, getting home and crying... i cried a lot the day we said goodbye... I felt that this next week or so was going to be the death of us and that we had just said our last goodbye, but I wanted so badly for it to not be our last goodbye. The space was the death of us. I talked to Paige about everything, I remember sitting in fort myers, crying once again for about an hour before I ended it with you, It was hard for me to do even if it didnt seem that way. I remember it all... And even though I thought that was the end of our fighting and our good times, I soon learned that it wasnt that easy to get rid of someone you honestly fell in love with, I still answered your calls and txts, I still was subjected to every negative thing you said about me, I still hurt when you got a new girlfriend, I still hurt when you hooked up with another girl when i was with audrey, I still wanted to just find you and slap you and then kiss you because that was we had always done, then the fights got worse and I swore that I was never going to let you hurt me but still every word you said about me killed me from the inside out, you had me cutting again, I was so weak to the words that you spit out of your mouth so easily. Now we are better and all I want is to just have my best friend back, I dont want anything but a friendship because thats how we work best as friends, plus i have an amazing girlfriend and I cant wait to spend my life with her because she is pretty damn close to perfection. But I will always have ten million emotions and thoughts and memories with just one person. I love you even if its not the same as it used to be.

-Enemy of my Soul

Getting sicker with every passing moment... I feel the hospital is in my future... My immune system is shit.

Dear Taylor,

I want to write you a letter and make you laugh awkwardly in class when everything is silent, so you can just get stared at... but you heard me on the phone, I am so sick and so very tired and i barely have enough energy to be writing this but i couldnt have you sitting in class and open up my blog and nothing be there at all... just what you have already read... So, just to inform you, It was nice talking to you and having a conversation with you that didnt involve us screaming at each other or hanging up. I hope that you actually go to White Berry with me one day and sit there and kick my ass at uno because i am such a loser at that game, I have no chance at beating you.
Anyway, have a good day at school... and your job training thing... lol
Omg, when i got off the phone with you I almost tripped and landed on my face but I didnt. K im going to bed now.

Talk to you later, you lurker. you troll me so hardcore.

No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plently of sleep.

Yesterday, 09.17.11 and this morning, Tj (my gay best friend, we had a moment of he thought he was straight but its okay hes better.) and I had a party to celebrate our birthdays, his was the 13 and mine is the 27th but we wanted to have a party together, so we planned and planned and thought things out. Well, Last night and early this morning was not what we had planned to happen. The events leading up to this point, this point of me writing this blog post, they are events that I will never forget. Last night was probably the most fun I have had in forever. The events of this weekend are times i'll look back on and be completely cheesin. Here is what I want to remember... I'll start from Friday.
  Friday, I went to pick up Beth and Brittney with Tj. But we had to make a pit stop at the store, so we could get alcohol and cigarettes. We bought like 30 dollars worth of alcohol. :) Then we got Beth and found Brittney on the side of the road. We got back home and shoved all the drinks into peoples bags, this was quite interesting, we walked in, thank god my mom was in her room. We went to my room and hid the bottles and cans under my bed, left them there and didnt mention them again until it was time to put them in the cooler on Saturday. Taylor came over shortly after we got home to see Brittney, but Brittney, Tj and Beth had smoked so Brittney was acting like a fool. I am not allowed to smoke, so i couldn't but I planned on quiting considering the last time i smoked real weed, I took my dear friend Mr. Razor and sliced till I couldn't feel my arm. But anyway, Tj and Taylor left. We all went to bed, lalalalallala none important junk. Morning time, Brittney and I planned to make breakfast for Beth and Taylor, that didnt turn out well at all. But then TJ came over and ladada, then Paige and Sammi and the other Samie arrived and we had dance offs and huge grinding messes, it was freaking dance central in my living room, then Sabrina and Oliver showed up, dancing, singing, talking, smoking, laughing and so much more was happening and then Molly finally arrived, I was so excited because I haven't hung out with her in forever. But anyway we danced and sang and had fun, then cooked pizza and chicken and I made myself some chicken salad. By this time I had a smirnoff and a beer... maybe two smirnoffs, Im not entirely sure but anyway we ate and talked blah blah blah. Than, Tj was like PALM TREES FOR THE FIRE!!!, so we went and collected a bunch of palm trees because this bonfire was not planned out very well and we were on a tight budget. But we got back and Tj and I were like cake time, so everyone sang happy birthday once, then my mom got home and wanted to see it, so they sang it again, then I cut the cake and everyone ate it nomnomnom. After the cake Molly wanted to give me my present but to do that she had to make her speech that she prepared. So everyone gathered in the living room and Molly and I stood across from each other, and she spoke the sweetest words to me that have ever been said to me and at the end she got down on one knee with a ring box and proposed to me, Of course I said yes, even though my beautiful girlfriend was sitting right behind me, we all new that it was a inside thing with Molly and I. So after she made me cry with all of this, Tj and I found that it was time for our four lokos, we had a lot of drinks, so I split mine with Beth and he split his with Molly. We drank outback around the bonfire, that Oliver was containing because Tj and I are piros and not allowed to mess with the campfire. But as the night continued on and the drinks slithered down my thoart, my girlfriends tongue found its way there too. This continued on for quite some time and when we came up for air, I learned that Tj and Oliver were flirting and being cute. So we figured we didnt miss much and continued on our adventure in learning each others antomy. Later on we took a breathe, Oliver was gone as were a couple other people, Niki had arrived and we looked around some more and Paige was kissing molly then Tj went and kissed everyone, then I had to go get another drink and Tj kissed Beth, and I ended up kissing Tj and Brittney and Taylor were going at it, then Samie and Paige locked lips. It was ridiculous. Next thing I know Tj and Molly are on the side of the house making out hardcore for at least an hour but I'm not entirely sure because my lips and hands were busy with Beth. But then I got interupted by Molly, who just wanted to inform me that she is having a blast. I then was like we are engaged and its soon to be my birthday, if its alright with my girlfriend I would like a kiss from my future wife. Beth allowed it and Molly's tongue found mine... this well it was only for like 30 seconds and it was definetly weird but not as weird as I thought it would have been. But the night continued and I drank my last drink and made out with Beth for like 45 minutes straight and missed out on a whole bunch of stuff because Beth and I were in our own little world, we fell out of the chair and didnt notice and then got back in the chair, I picked her up and she straddled me all the way to my bed. Let your imagination take it from there. But we soon arrived outback in our chair in another position that I really couldn't explain to you in words, you had to be there to understand that the way we moved was not completely normal, we became very flexible. the night continued and through out it I fell and stubbled, I beat up Tj after he almost caught my girlfriend and my future wife on fire with a stick that he caught on fire, he was swinging it around like it was nothing. But we worked past that and had a wonderful make up hug. But there was rough water when he was making out with Molly and yelling I might be straight and BLAH BLAH BLAH, I was like Tj we only work when you are gay and I am a lesbian, I am holding up my end of the bargin, you need to hold yourself to yours. He continued to make out with molly.... I just ignored it and continued you making my girlfriend happy. Then it came time to head inside and watch a movie, Beth sat on top of me and the next I remember was her pulling at my shirt and whispering, lets go to your bed, I listened to that request and was soon followed by the crew, dang those people. But then we all were laying down comfortably and the lights were off and hand were wondering, then Bam Tj right on time for the third time, flashes a damn light and is like who is in here and Beth pulls my hand away from her delicate body. Then I need a cigarette because this was just fusterating. So everyone follows me and we sit outside forever... making another fire and paige yelling WE ARE MAN and then finding the bear condom which was really just a bag that had two pickles in it. After some more giggles and cigarettes and trying to find my black that Samie and Paige had misplaced, We all called it time for bed, I passed out with my girlfriend in my arms, then I apparently started singing with the music when Paige and Samie were and it confused the hell out of them. Then we woke up in the morning, found the black and outback we went again to recap the night... Soon after some more laughter the group slowly left and the fun loudness died down, after Paige left and Taylor arrived again, it was time to take Brittney and Beth back home, so far away. But it had to be done, So I drove them all the way home, that long car ride that I have done every weekend for the past month. Im getting so used to it, I know it by heart each turn, each curve in the road, every light name and every stop sign, I know her house and that drive way the one where i drop her off at and have to say good bye til next weekend but i dont get to see her this weekend, I have to wait til after my birthday, I have to wait two weeks, I have to wait to kiss her again and hold her close to me but its worth it, she is worth it, she is worth everything and I cant wait til we get to live together in our nice cozy loft in Philly, her going to Drexel and me going to Penn or Drexel, studing together then graduating and starting our own practices, and getting married, that is in there, that is part of the plan, she is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, she means more to me then anyone in the past few months has, she is replacing my thoughts of terrible ex-girlfriends with new ones filled with beautiful happy joyful images. She makes me so happy, just her being around makes me happy, knowing that she is close, her txting me, everything she does just makes me happy. <3 Ah, I am so crazy about this girl, she just makes me adjlkshjafhuetsbgbsd.
Anyway this was my magnificent weekend that I will never forget. Ah I forgot Friday night, I kissed Beth for the first time, I did it on this bridge thing, sounds romantic and what not but it was in the middle of a parking lot, I mean i did it unexpectedly and I dont know it was just cute, cause she didnt want to stop. Ah, hmm ahhh, shes so cute, I love how cute we are. <3

-Enemy Of My Soul.