Birthday weekend friday night

Going to the club with Olivia.  Emie isn't here... I'm sad. Two shots in and I just wanna sleep. . Its gonna be a long night.

A thought lost in the wonderland of my thoughts.

<p>To think that this time just one short year ago everything seemes to be crashing down beside me. My one answer to fix it all was ending my life, riding myself off all the evil around me, riding myself from the world and letting all the lies come crashing down without me there to catch and cover them. My one way ticket to never feel anything again. My out to all the pain, my out to slowly suffocating. Truth be told since bayside I have cut, I have smoked, I have done the things that hurt me most yet make me remember that I am alive, remember that blood pulses through my veins, makes me see that I live for a reason, I'm here on this planet for a purpose. And through all the ups and downs of everything that's happened I still stand strong on knowing that I will never put in my head that my death will solve all the problems that I create inside my head in that dark place where I know I can not venture. My 18th birthday right around the corner, the day I choose so long ago to be the date I take my own life doesn't sit that way any more. That day will be a day I choose to celebrate the freedom from my childhood, my deceptive, crazy, dungeon childhood. It will be a day to change the darkness inside me to a bit brighter hidden passage. I don't think the darkness will ever fully go away but I know that this birthday will be such a change auch a relief even though so much has changed. This birthday will be about me and not the picture perfect me that so called family wants so badly. This day this birthday will be mine and I won't let anyone or anything take it away from me. I won't be the reason I won't see another day. September 27th 2012 will be a happy day a day that was made for me. It can finally be a celebration. 

Enemy of my soul.

Crying, cold, lost and leaping.

I feel like I am losing you. We have all this time together and yet it feels like we are a thousand miles apart. You dont kiss me like you use to, you dont look at me how you did that first night... You dont look at me the way you did that first night before I kissed you. I know that i havent been out of boxers and i dont do my hair, i throw it up and leave be and i know im not wearing make up or jewerly and i am sorry that im not pretty and that i cant keep your attention. I dont want sex every night I dont really want it at all right now in your house but i want the attention, the maybe it could happen, I want the passion in our kiss, I want a moment alone where we are actually some what close. Where you can kiss me without the want of stopping. I want that knees weak breath taking kiss that you gave me just a week ago. 

I just feel like we are falling apart as a couple. We havent just done something cute and couple like in forever. I just want to have a fucking picnic with you or something. Smoking a cigarette outside isnt enough. I am sorry but I want that romantic relationship at times. I never want to lose the passion the love the looks the touch the everything. I feel like I am asking for to much. you are getting sick and everyone else is sick and Im just over here all lost and confused on what i am even going to do with my life. I dont have a job i am not going to school. Im lost and hurting and you want to help it all go away but you cant because no matter how well you treat me i am always going to feel like it would be better if I were dead. I sit here and cry and I feel like I am turning into a failure. I am nothing. worthless. stupid. far from perfect. far from anything that I want to be. I am failing as a daughter, my mom used to mean so much to me, she used to be my best friend and i dont know what happened. I lost her and I lost who i was. I dont know how to find myself and i dont know how to recreate myself like i normally do. I am so close to you but I still feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. I have no connection to paige. I barely think about tj. Im losing everything and soon enough i will have lost you and when that happens... Everything and everyone will lose me. Ill be six feet under. There will be no second thoughts no time to think. I will be gone, it wont take a few days to do it wont take a few hours, ill be gone in minutes. moments. seconds. I dont know where I am to go with this writing any more so i am going to shut up and go to sleep next to you. I am going to wipe away the tears, make it look like nothing happened. 

-breaking suffocation.

Blah

With everything that has been going on right now... I haven't had time to blog. I haven't had time to think. I haven't been able to do much of anything. I haven't felt anything.  I have no emotions. I have no words. I have nothing. 

Still unsure..

I am unsure that this is where I should be typing this either, maybe I cant figure out where to put it because well, I want to just keep quiet, I dont want my thoughts to be known, you get mad or sad or something when you read my thoughts, I am sorry that I have fucked up thoughts, if you were in my head you would cry. you would probably never ne able to speak again. Anyway not what I wanted to blog about...
I denyed you last night at first, I started the trouble and than stopped it, I dont know why I stopped it exactly, maybe its just cause when I lose trust or im having a shitty day or when I am just blah, I lack compassion, I lack the feelings that you need to have sex with your girlriend... I stopped it, I stopped it and i felt like shit, I felt like I fucked up like that wasnt okay, that I could lose you for such a small thing. I went outside and cried, gave myself a pep talk and new that I couldnt deny you..I had to let you do what you wanted. I couldnt just let all of that fustration go to bed, I had to get over my fears, I had to let them go, I had to just know that its you and not anyone else, that I am safe wrapped around you...that you wont hurt me and that you will stop if I really needed you too. I have to just let you in, let you in all the way, not care about you getting close, thats what that was last night, not allowing you to get close to me last night.

I cant write anything right now, I am way to tired and this blog post doesnt belong here, I dont know where it belongs, probably suffocating my mind, thats where it belongs. Where no one can have it.


-Breaking suffocation.

I am so aggravated.

I don't know where to type my feelings, I dont know what my feelings even are. All I know is I want to be in your arms, I want to feel you close, I want to hear your heartbeat, I want to hear your voice tell me that it is all going to be okay. I want your words to confirm that she is lying. I want to know that you actually love me, that this isnt just a game, I want to believe you I do, but she makes some vaild points. I tell you all the time that I love you and you say it back but do you tell your friends that you love me... You talk shit about Rosie, Ive heard it, she was your everything, you call me that now, is it just a matter of time before the shit talking starts. I hate to think this but will I end up just like Rosie, bitter and mad at you. You have a million girls on your dick, you tell me all the time... You could have any of them, I know that most of your time is spent here with me but you cant get mad at me for my thoughts, sometimes they wonder. You have my ring and that means so much, I never in the past would have given anyone a ring, Samie strived to get that ring, she wanted it so badly. You have, you are the one I want to settle down with, marry, buy a house, have children with, you are the one I want to spend all my days with. You are the one I want to grow old with. But I have these doubts, I dont want them. I want to see you in person, I want to talk this through, I want us to be okay but her words have just as much meaning as yours do. You could easily lie to me, you dont want people in our relationship, you are amazing at deleting text messages, you have so many girls that you could have, what makes me the one, what makes me so special that you arent talking to any of them, you mention them on the daily... like you have to make it clear that you could have anyone but you dont, you are with me, its like a pity thing, at least thats how I feel. I want the truth about Rosie, I want to know what she actually meant at one point, I want to know what you did with her, why she wouldnt date you. I want to know it all, I am tired of the damn lies, of the not knowing. I want to hear you say the damn words. I want you to tell me what you really feel. I am sorry that I feel like this, I am sorry there are doubts, I am sorry that I cant just trust you, I am sorry that I had to hear her out, I had to listen to her words. They mean something, that sounds bad but they do, all we have are words to believe in. I listened and heard what she had to say, she made points, points that I've thought before. I have given you everything, every once of love that I can.  I have given up so much for you. I have made plans with you, an apartement a 12 month commitment. I promised you that I will always be here, that I love you, that you are my everything, that one day I will marry you. You have all of me and I feel like I have nothing of yours. I tell you everything and if I dont its on my blog and you read about it, you find out by me some how. I tell you eventually if its not on my blog. Emily, I love you to death, I love you to the moon and back, I just have to make sure what you say and do with me is true. I just need to hear those words, I just want to hear those words, I want to be in your arms, feel your touch, kiss your lips... I just want to be around you. With you, I know that I am okay. Morgan cant be right, she cant, I cant feel this much with you not feeling anything. It doesnt work that way it doesnt. It cant. You love me, you care, you want this just as much as I do. You wouldnt lie to me, you wouldnt, you couldnt... I am right about this. We are true, this is true, its all okay. Shes wrong, I am right, you are right. I am hoping, I am praying that she is wrong.


-Breaking Suffocation.

Random Junk.

• I hope someday, you find all my quotes, all my blogs, all my words and read them. And Ill hope that you know that they are all about you.
• You never leave my mind, even when I have a million things to worry about.
• Ill tear down the stars just to give them to you. they arent as pretty as your eyes, but I guess they will have to do.
• You are my gravity.

You are occupying a good sized apartment in my brain. I cant get you out, no eviction notice on the door. I hate the distance between our bodies our mouths my hands that could be touching your soft skin. I hate that that is what I want to do, right now. It makes my life seem pointless, Id rather be there, Id rather be doing anything with you, watching your eyes as you look at things. the way you smile at human beings that you encounter. how they smile back. Id be happy and proud being just that close to you. Id feel special, I just sit here. I sleep in, I make some tea, I have a stomach ache. I spend my days thinking about what you are doing, its not healthy but its nothing new. Whenever Im not with you, its all I can do.

Forget the fear, it's just a crutch.

I got a matching tattoo with one of my best friends, a girl that I've literally gone through so much with, I realize that the bad in our friendship is because of me and how I react to things, she doesnt do anything wrong, she is just being her, doing what she wants, and I should understand that of all people. We are complete opposites, now at least the ink on my arm keeps me connected to her, now I can never forget her and she cant forget me.. We will fight but we will always have eachother there by our sides, I can never fully lose her now. She means so much to me, I never want to be the reason why she hurts and recently I just cant do anything right and I always seem to have to be fixing things. I will always fix things with her though, because she is who she is and that can never leave my life completely. I would fight the entire world for that girl. I hate to see her upset, I hate to know shes hurting, I hate that she doesnt feel good enough and I hate that I can't make her see what she really is, how amazing and worth something she is. She wont see it until shes ready, its easy to be the fuck not so easy to be the one who is always getting things right. I understand that shes been through a lot, I understand she is still going through some stuff. I know that its hard for her to let people in but I wish sometimes that she would let me in just a little bit more than she has before, I know I am not good with people telling me things that should be sad and upsetting, I know I never know what to say but I want brittney to jsut let me in. At one point in this friendship we were so close and now there are days when I know i dont cross her mind. That girl is something else, I swear.

"Forget the fear its just a crutch. and it only holds you back. "

-Breaking suffocation.

Spider Webs.

 My thoughts are intertwined like spider webs, they weave in and out, than back around and over again. They web around my mind and catch all the thoughts that even i dont want to have. If you only knew the ones of you, you could see that I do actually love you, we may have fought and loved, we have broken each other and helped each other up. But enough of thoughts of you even though they consume my mind all day and night.
 I am stress beyond belief, I have to deal with so much in the next week, I have finals, I have to make a decision on what I am doing with college because once again I have proven that I am a failure. I cant do anything right, I cant make anything i

Today.

Today I must complete geometery. End of story. I have like ten things left to do. I will get it done.
Today I must complete six hours of work for the first time in two weeks. Buh.
Today I must start the hunt to find a house to make a home for my brother, my girlfriend and I.
Today is going to be a good day. Yay. :)
Today I wish that my girlfriend could sleep over because my mom works overnight.

That feeling

That feeling of knowing that you are hungry, knowing that you should just eat but that feeling of hunger that pain of your stomach just that feeling of it moving trying to come up with something to eat, it pushing and turning give me this feeling of satisfaction. Satisfaction that I control it. Satisfaction that its going to be okay cause at least I am in full control of what gets chewed thirty two times and goes down my throat into my stomach where its surrounded by acids and fluids that eat it that make it turn into nothing. This feeling of hunger is like a high to me but it makes me antisocial tired bitchy emotional for a while I hate that but one day with out eating at the end of the day going to bed hunger makes me feel so much better the mean goes away and I can sleep so much better. Not eating the pain of not eating feels so good. It gives me this complete feeling. This spectacular feeling of being alive.
I hate know that I should eat and people want me to eat. I hate that but if only they could feel it the way I do. They would never want to eat.
Buh I hate that when I don't eat I get grumpy and tired. That's the only thing I hate about it. That and society doesn't approve but oh well I will always rebel against the Capitol. 

- breaking suffocation.

No words.

A ring on my finger... , two years and meghan told me she would never marry anyone not even me. Taylor, she said that she would one day but a ring went on Erikas finger. Three weeks and you have that thought, that makes me cry.
A ring a ring on my finger.... mine.. no silly that i dont even I just sdgihsd;oig wdhg f;uasdhg ;
sdhghsdgi hsghjksdb gasfig kjsdg
sdgjskhdguihs gusdng
sd gasdg jhsa;ughsdg
sd g'hsadg;kjasd ng;asdihg
sdg asdghuisadhg iosdg
asgasghasdgoihsadgjasd
g adsghuahsdg h'asdg



No words.

No words but you know that I wouldnt ever say no to you, I can barely say no to you causing trouble.
This rest of my life with you would be a movie worth watching when my life flashes before me on my death bed.

-Breaking suffocation.

AHH, Mother Fucker.

Blogger's new look bullshit, is pissing me off.  I do not like it, not one bit. Ahh, why are things changing, blogger was simple and plain, easy and lovely. Now its fucking stupid. Cunt sucking dick blocking penis wrinkle vagina whore bitch skank hoes change blogger back. Please. and Thanks yous.

-Breaking suffocation.

Phillies: Baseball Season. Check.

Baseball season is here, the time where I strive, the time where I watch endless amounts of games. The time where all I do is eat sleep and breathe baseball. A time where, yes a smile is upon my face and wont be erased til the last game of the year. Yesterday, it was one of the last spring training games and the Phillies were on their game. The plays, the hits, the fans it was Phillies nation in SRQ. I was at home on the field, I was just in the game, I was in my happy place. I was in this place where everything was right, and no one not even ignornant pricks could ruin my mood. The smell of the game, the feel of the sun, the sound of the bat hitting the ball it all electrifys me. Every thing about baseball makes my spine have chills, my bones stand stronger, my mind be clearer. Ah baseball and the effects it has on me, I love it. I love every inch, all the sweat, the smell, the sounds, the food, the drinks, the look, just everything. It all makes me strive and just ah. I cant even put into words how amazing it feels to just be in the stands of the game.

-Breaking suffocation.

Everything is going to be okay.

In the car...

To the hospital I go,
I'm on my way right now.
to find out what will come of me
To understand what was found.
I'm going there with my head held up high and no fear in my dark brown eyes because I know that whatever the doctor tells me, I have you by my side.
I wish I got to hold you hand when he tells me what is wrong but that can't happen, not right now.
I know you want to be here, I know you would if you could.
But half of me says its best you wont be there, because if things are bad and only going to get worse, I want to cry before I try to tell you that I can't avoid the sickness that will soon consume me.
I know that no matter what we will make it through, I just don't want this to take a toll on you like it has done to me for so many years. I am not scared about what will happen to me, in scared about what this could do to you.

-breaking suffocation.

Things to blog about tonight.

In this blog: The Phillies game and how it all makes me feel.
Six feet under: The thoughts that I had growing up the ones that made me smile like a princess, the thoughts that made me think that one day, I would be taken away to my castle.
Every Breathe: How I want to make you feel, the things I want to tell you.

A lot to type up tonight!!!

I have six minutes...

Six minutes to tell you, how I am going to fall apart without my best friend. How I am tired of crying over him. How it feels like I have lost my other half, the double to my trouble. It kills every part of me knowing that I hurt him the way I did, but all I wanted to do was die and he wouldnt let me. He wouldnt let me have a minute alone, all I wanted was a minute alone so I could break down and cry. All he wanted was to save me from the destruction I was causing. I know that he meant well but at that moment, he was the enemy and the pills were my best friend. The pills were all that I wanted, I wanted my endless sleep. If he wasnt there, I wouldnt be here to type this blog, I wouldnt be here, I would be six feet under, I would be gone, I would be dead. He saved my life, even though I told him that I hated him and that I didnt care about him, I hit him, I threw shit at him, I just wanted him to prove that I was right, that he didnt care, but he did care, he was there for me. He made me hold on. He made me see what I was doing, killing myself was wrong that it was the easiest way to make me feel nothing and everyone else feel pain, just pure pain. He knew that if I took my own life that I would regret the feelings, I would have caused everyone else. Even if he doesnt know it, He saved my life, he has always saved my life. From the day, I called him my best friend he has continuely saved my life, saved me from myself. He was my everything, he still is my everything, I still worry about him everyday, I still have to know that he is okay. I do not deserve to have him back in my life, because like always I fucked up, I did. I know this, I know that I crossed a line that I never wanted to. I never wanted him to be the enemy. I never wanted to make him enemy number one, because enemy number one is the monster inside me. He was my best friend, he was my little brother, he was family, he was one of very few reasons for still breathing, without him I feel like I will not be able to just live, part of my died when he left, when he walked away. It doesnt feel like just part of me though, its like all of me died and now I am just struggling to put myself back together, the puzzle pieces that make up who I am, some are lost, some are ripped apart, some are wet from the tears that Ive cried, most just pulled apart from the others. He was the glue that held me together most of the time. He was the one person I litterally told every little thing to no matter what. I miss him yes, do I deserve him in my life, no. Do I wish I could take stuff back yes, Can I take things back, no. So its time to stop sobbing and being sad, pick myself back up and move on, people come in and out of your life, your life is a revolving door, people walk in and right back out.
Its time to be a big girl and move on.

-Breaking Suffication.

I have this feeling that I'm not going to make it home at all. I have this bad feeling about driving tonight, like something bad is going to happen. Its this gut feeling that wont go away.

Being sick sickens me.

<p>I feel like shit and all I want to do to is blog and just be in this ball of sickness.&nbsp; I just want to type all of my feelings away, so they can't haunt my mind anymore. I'm to fucked up to even be in a relationship because I can't make the girl I'm with happy. She feels like she has to keep holding me up she feels like she isn't good enough, and I don't understand why she is better than good enough. Its me that isn't good enough. Its me with the problems. More on this later.

-breaking suffocation.

Expect the worst.

Be prepared for the worst. Be prepared for self hatred. Be prepared for not being good enough.  Be prepared for a rant on how I don't feel good enough,  how I can't let her be my rock because she is already holding so many up. Be prepared for me falling apart but not letting it show expect on here. Just be prepared because it can't be avoided.

-breaking suffocation.

Perfection

My Girlfriend and I !!!! She is perfect in every single way.

Fate, soul mates and fairy tales.

Things that I've always thought were just in the movies or just in the books that I read, are slowly coming true in really life. I feel like it was fate that has made the good and the bad happen. That it ha all been leading up to meeting Emily and finally having that feeling pure happiness, that feeling that this relationship could actually last for a while. That want to be a better person, that need to be around them. It all feels like this fairy tale that won't ever end. I know that all things come to an end but sometimes in books and movies couples stay together for really long amounts of time. I think it may even happen in reality too. All I know right now is she gives me this feeling this fight to stay around and just let things be. She gives me the want to stay alive for more than just Paige. She is giving me a reason to breathe. She is taking all the pain away. She is making my life well my social life better . Making things just blissfully amazing. She is just amazing, she is this perfection that lights up my world. She isn't just the light in my day she is the light at the end of the tunnel. She is the apple to my pie. The pop to my tart. The water to my melon. Lol hehe. She is so many things and I can't even begin to describe how she pus the stars in my sky. She puts the smile on my face. She puts the blade down. She puts all the bad into this far far away land where it is to never be seen again. She makes me actually happy and that is a very hard thing to do. I'm falling into thi fairy tale in my reality, hoping that I don't wake up to a nightmare where this is all to good to be true. But in my heart and in my head I do believe that this is just right and it's exactly how things are supposed to be. Fate brought us together in fighting but soon realized dating and caring and this feeling of safety was so much better.

The world works in mysterious ways.


-breaking suffocation.

Buh

Buh is the only word I can come up with that explains how I feel right now. Buhhh Buh buhhh buh Buh.

Being with you

<p>Being with you saves me. <br>
It saves my soul.<br>
It saves my heart.&nbsp; <br>
Knowing that you will stay even if the pee stick says positive makes me feel so safe and secure. <br>
You being around makes me feel as if its all going to be okay.<br>
You promised you'd never leave, and in my heart and my mind, I know you're forever mine and I'm forever yours.
This is all so crazy, this is all so weird.
I haven't felt this happy since the day I met Meghan. Meghan sucked all of the happiness out of me. But Emily feeds it right back into me.
knowing that she defends me and stands by me even when I'm breaking down and losing control, makes me just want to be normal, not have a thousand and one issues. She saves every part of me. She just puts this smile on my face that never wants to disappear,  it fights the depression, it scares the depression right out of me. She makes me want to have sober fun, like I don't have to be high off of something or be drunk to have fun. We can sit around and do nothing at all and it still is the best time in the world.  I don't want this to go away because this is how I am supposed to feel, happy. Good. Great. Pretty. Loved. She changes everything. Every single thing I thought I knew, she's changed.
more on this subject later. Tehe.
#winning.

-breaking suffocating. 

Repeat.

Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust
Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust  Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust
Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust  Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust
Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust  let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go

Just live.

-breaking suffocation.

Expiration date .

It's not a thing that can be changed. It wont be no matter how happy I am. I will always believe that the world will be better off without me. Nothing can change that. I'm not good enough. I never will be. Even if I am, I still wont be able to believe it. I am sorry. It's just a fact. 

Just push

Hahah. That title could mean so much. Just push a baby from your vagina. Just push your fears away. Just push yourself down stairs. Just push yourself away from everyone because you have them get attached to you because June 2cnd is your expiration date. Just push.  Just keep pushing.

Feeling

Like shit. Paige Buh. Buh. Buhhhh buhhhh. She's gonna end up walking away. Buhhhh

Yeah... fuck up

It always happen every time. Its always something. I can't just be content with actual happiness. I have to get more and when Tj is around getting high is easy and fun cause than I can tell him anything without getting a lecture. So its all okay. But Buh. I fucked up. All day every day. Doubting worring. Wondering.  Buh Buh.

Letting go of fears

The fear to be happy is so much lesser than what she is starting to mean to me. Every look she gives me makes me have chills. With every touch my heart stops for moments. Every minute spent with her is this happiness that is really indescribable. I have no need or want to give up, walk away or slowly disappear.  She makes me want to stay and be in this ball of happiness. At times it feels like it is all to good to be true. She makes me smile with just her presence.  I wont push her away like I do to all of my happiness. I'm giving in, letting joy take over because with her I wouldn't have it any other way. I've never felt this happy for so many days since sixth grade on the retreat. I don't care what anyone else says, I don't care what anyone else tthinks, this happened so fast and so weirdly but its okay, I don't care that we had issues in the past, I don't care that when we first met she wanted to beat the ffuck out of me and I was not going to let that happen, my mindset was send her to the hospital.  But none of that matters because we are both happy with each other. At least I think she is happy, she says she is so I believe tthat. I wont let happiness just pass me by like I have always done.

-breaking suffocation.

Buh

Even more insecure right now

A mind set like a depressed pyscho.

I should have every reason to be happy right now and just in this blissful ball of happiness but my mind just continues to worry about little things that don't matter at all because nothing has really changed about us at all. I feel happy. I want to bbe happy. I want to be normal but my normal is freaking out about things that I obviously didn't do wrong but I still feel like I'm not good enough or that I don't do anything right. That I can't make her happy which is all I want. My mind is so fucked up its beyond repair I can't even being to understand why I still look for ways to not be happy. She makes me ridiculously happy. She sits there and is trying so hard to keep a smile on my face but as soon as she isn't by my side I break down I start to doubt myself not her. She is never the problem its me and my mission to never be happy. I can't explain it but its true nno matter what I do I'm always looking for a way to end up six feet under. But with her I drive safer I look both ways.... I look for ways to survive again. and that means walls lots of them have crumbled. They are gone. To be honest only one is left and that wall is all my inner thoughts, everything that pops into my head. I'm getting attached to her and that's all posion to my mind. I want her. I only want her. I want that long relationship with tons of cute dates and photos and blog post that are sp cute they make you want to puke.  But as the title says my mind is set like a depressed psycho... Buh. Can I turn my mind off and just let my heart and body take over. Can I stop over thinking????

-breaking suffocation. 

hopeless.

I feel so worthless, she is trying so hard to keep me happy and make me smile. I love it, someone caring but I am just so lost.. I cant even write what I am feeling. All I know is we went from disliking each other and this awkward situation when we had to be in the same place, to being in the same place, same car same everything; holding hands, kissing and being this cute thing. And I can't help but put my guard up because I don't know where this came from. We werent friends, we werent anything. BUhhhhhhhhh Fuck my life. I am so confused.

Senior Year Spring Break Starts Now!!!!

I would just like to inform my blog that I am on Spring Break Offically!!! Bring on the sun, sand and water. Laughter, bon fires and just some really great times.
I can't wait to blog about all the good times, the crazy adventures, the memories that will probably haunt me, the people that will always be part of me. I have to make this a spring break to remember. I have to make this one count. Ill fall in love, go crazy, drink and not remember, dance on table tops, Just let go and live because this is my last chance to make something fun happen in my high school experience. Some thing I can tell my kids not to do on spring break. I want to make the memory of this one last the rest of my life, I want to look back and remember the great times I had with pretty amazing people.

Let the party begin. lol jk I have to work tonight. and all weekend, MONDAY the party will begin, actually sunday night at work because we are hosting a glow party and I get to work it. YAY!!!
Its on. I hate to say this, I really do but you only live once, I might as well make it a hell of a ride.

-Breaking Suffocation. (trying to, so hard.)

Broken, Scared and Alone.

Sunday night my girlfriend broke up with me... She said that I was to much to handle, which I dont disagree with but it hurt, I was crying at work and this man this 50 year old man that I work with was like I will be your friend and blah blah blah, to cut the story short because I dont want to really remember all of it, him and another co worker, a 26 year old male took me to some bars and got me drunk... I may have been flirting but it was the alchol talking, I didnt know what I was doing, I am 17, I shouldnt have been drinking, they shouldnt have let me, they shouldnt have let happen what was bound to happen next. They took advantage of me, I am pretty sure they stole my wallet, they raped me, they made me lose my innocennce. I dont ever want to feel like that again, like I was used and abused and just left to fend for myself, I cant even being to decribe the pain it is to look in the mirror and see me there, I feel like I should just been gone, erased, removed from the face of the earth. It hurts to breathe, I fall asleep crying, I wake in the night from the nightmare of that night. I flinch at the touch of another human being, I am an alien on this planet right now, I am alone, broken and scared out of my mind. I just want to be alone by myself, where I cant be hurt and I cant hurt anyone else.
Than I went into surgery....
That was a calm two days.
Than I got home, and I crashed my car... I cut my arms, I lost control. I cant hold on and be strong anymore, Its not worth it anymore, my friends arent there for me, they have other friends and they arent as fucked up as I am. I am just one big fuck up, who can't do anything right.
I am the girl who falls for the wrong person, whos timing is always off. The girl with the smile on her face even though her world is clearly crashing down. I am the girl who wants to trust but cant do it too easily. I am the girl who is always left to fend for herself. I am the girl who acts confident but in reality is just over compensating for the fact that I think I am fat and ugly and a complete mess, no one could ever like me let alone fall in love with me. I am the girl with the hidden scars, except for today, today I am not hiding my addiction, today I am letting it show for all the world to see. I wont be put down today, I am worth something right now... And Brittany is getting the full effect of the cockiness I have today, I am surprised she hasnt thrown a shoe at me yet.

I am lost and I just want to be found.

-Breaking Suffocation. (trying to break suffocation.)

When the world around you is crahing down, move out of the way.

Every single day is a new adventure, every day is a new start. You make your own future, you write your own story but sometimes outside situations make that world that you created come crashing down. I literally have worked so hard to make this picture perfect image that people will be proud of. I am graduating high school a year early, I work two jobs and manage to have a social life as well, along with spending time with family. I can maintain a relationship and still have my own time as well. I can do a lot but its all going to crash eventually, thats how life works, you build up a world of magic and someone makes it tradgic. I cant help but have this sinking feeling that not everything is going to work out how I want it too. I have worked so hard for so long to hold it all together, I have busted my ass to pull of things everyone didnt think that I could do. I have made everything look perfect, even though I am crashing and falling apart inside. I have scared out of my mind that building this fantasy world is going to just be one of those things that slowly disappear and than everyone sees who I am really am and all of my dark secrets. I have done everything to hid my past, I have done everything to keep people out of the dark; it has to stay that way. But when do things ever stay the way you want them too.
I am falling apart and when I finally do just break beyond repair... my perfect world that everyone sees is going to collapse and i wont be here to hold it all together, it will just crumple and than my life will be tanted with regret and loss and lies. I am not sure when this will happen but it will, it always does.
I cant even write this anymore, I am being torn apart but I have to stand strong because my girlfriend needs me right now. buh.

My life, I can't handle it.

-Breaking Suffocation.

Striving To Be Perfect... Or is it Starving To Be Perfect...

On monday, I got sick... It's made me not want to eat and now I have this empty pinching feeling in my stomach, like it needs food, it wants it but I know that it can not have it because, I strive for perfection and my body is anything but perfection. It's time to change who I am from the outside in... well maybe from the inside out... Idk but a big change is coming, I can feel it. School is starting to mean more, Work means a lot, I want to be the best girlfriend there could ever be.I hate when I get the sudden urge to change, a lot goes on in my head, a lot of thoughts that shouldnt ever enter a 17 year old girls head, thoughts that could put a grown man or a really butch lesbian to tears. Thoughts that make me want to abandon the world. This change could be dangerous, this change will be different than all the rest, I know it will, I can feel it. I feel motivation, determination pulsing through my veins. I feel the strength to be better building up. I feel it all. This will be good for a little while, but when I cant hit perfection again... I shall implode and hell will break lose in my mind... and on my skin. 

Why do I strive for perfection? Why do I strain myself for perfection? Why do I want perfection and control more than anything in this world? 

-Breaking Suffocation. :/  (should have been posted on Wednesday the 15th, ) 

One Year.

One year of ups and downs, crazy  adventures. Laughing, crying, yelling, the silent treatment and so much more. I have been through so much with one person in the past year, litterally  one year exactly today. She means the world to me but things never work out how you think they are. I wish that we didnt end in the bad way that we did, but shit happens and you have to learn to move on or else the past is going to eat you alive. I know that the past year may have seemed like a waste, like it was all just leading up to this horrible ending but it wasnt a waste, it was an experiece of a lifetime, I got to spend so much time with one of the most amazing girls I know. We grow together but in the end grow apart. I know that people change and we move on but at least I still get to keep the memories, they will never change. They will be there in my head forever. Samie consumed a few chapters in my book of life and now that our story is over, its not just a new chapter its a new part to the book. Samie gave me so much life back and I can never thank her enough for that. She is someone I will alway remember. I will tell my kids the story of us just because I can and I want them to know that its okay  for relationships to not work out even if you think it wont, but it will also teach them to never treat the girl or guy that you love like I did. I was terrible to samie, but she knew what she was getting into . I cant, no I wont sit her and bash her, I dont want to and I wont sit here and say  that this was her fault or mine. It wasnt any ones fault. Things were just not meant to be. Life is moving fast, I have to keep up. I will always remember Samie, I couldnt ever forget, but I know that I can not hold on to the past, for it will never change, its written in ink and even if I burn the pages, it still happened and nothing is going to change. So here is to a new year, a new start and times to just remember that you have to live for today not yesterday or tomorrow.
I've learned a lot in the past year and it is because of her. I can not thnak her enough for what she has done for me and the year that she gave me,I know that I took it for granted at times but I cant change that so I just have to live on.


-Breaking Suffication. and Starting a new life.

When you risk everything, be prepared for the fall.

Every day we live a life, filled with millions of things going on around us but most only notice what directly effects us. Many people dont take notice to things that happen every day, we jump to see the abnormal things but the constants in our life, we know they will always be there. We can enjoy them another day but what happens when those constants disappear and all you have to nothing. What do you do when your entire world gets flipped upside down, everything that you thought you knew was never really there and the people that were in your life are now gone, you are in a completely new enviornment with no one fimilar around. Birds still flutter by, the sun still shines, the moon comes up at night, cars still drive, street lights still change, dogs bark, cats meow and it all seems normal but none of it is, you are some where new, this is your own world. The birds arent the same type, the sun isnt as hot, the moon shines brighter, the stars are bigger, brighter, better, cars are floating, lights change the direction you drive instead of stopping you, cats and dogs are slightly different. It's an entire new world and you created it all on a peice of paper. You brought an entire world to life through your finger tips. You built people, you built everything, you control it all. Every little thing, the people relie on you to keep their stories going. You have the power to keep someone alive or to destroy them were they stand. Its all a masterpiece and it is all yours. Its your own writing written down, a story for everyone to read. That is the greatest form of control you can have, not only do you control your characters, you control the readers emotions, make them shake, get angry, cry, throw the book, be sad for days, be happy for days, its all at your fingertips all you have to do is write, poor out a plot, theme, some characters and bam you have begun writing a book, a novel, my dream. My greatest dream is completely in my hands to write a novel and be published so hundreds of people can read my thoughts, my imagination, my work the one thing that i have always taken pride in. I just have to be motivated to do it, but I am so young, I have no training, I couldnt get a book published. I can try though, I have to try. I have to risk it all to fall hard because maybe at the end of this leap there will be piles of books that I have written and they will be the next best sellers. I have to dream big and when you dream big, you risk it all.

I honestly have no idea why I wrote this, I was just typing, not paying an attention really and this is what I ended up with. Its good, I have to admit. I like when I pour my heart out like that. I like when I realize that I have to do something about my writing because I could be way better than what I am but I dont practice enough.. I dont take enough time to really write and put everything I have into it. I need to take more time to spend writing and reading. I have to spend time on the things that I love. They will keep me alive and sane.

-Breaking Suffocation.

Never have I...

There is a girl, she has been in my life for almost a year, with her things are different we tried dating but it doesnt work, that just leads me to believe that two people can be meant to fall in love but never be together. She literally could get me to do anything in this world, I would give up everything to be with her but I cant do that for someone again, I did that once and it turned out as me hating them and never wanting to speak to them again. I dont want that for this girl, I want her in my life forever, but the thing is, I have dated and had my fun, she just sits there waiting for me to finally be done and ready to settle down. I will never be ready to settle down, not any time soon at all.. In fact it was never a thing i wanted ever, I dont want marriage it just runs everything, it brings out hate inside you that you didnt know was even there. I love this girl, I really do and the last thing i want to do is hurt her, she is my world but i think she should move on because I am just a waste. I am never going to commit to one person, I am going to party and be wild. I have no want to stop and just be with one person. I want to give the world to her and letting her go she would have a lot more of the world than hanging on to something that may never happen because even though i love her, I will never give up who I am, I will never want to stop the random making out with random people. She literally makes me feel like the most terrible person whenever I date anyone or talk or do anything with anyone that isnt her, she makes the guilt hit ten times harder than it should. I cant live to please her if I dont want to and right now even though she is perfect and I want to be with her one day maybe if it were to work out, I still think that she should move on, do her own thing, because thats what i am doing... I am trying to figure out why if two people love each other why cant they be together, oh yeah thats right because that would be a fairytale movie and those dont actually happen in real life. I have to give up on the hope that may still be there because what if it is just false hope and she is holding on to nothing. It is killing her inside, and i cant be the reason her spirits die, I have to let her fly away, I have to stop hoping that one day this will all just fall into place because chances are they wont, they never will. They cant this is reality not a movie or some stupid storybook. We have to stop trying to make it work, we have to stop fighting at some point, I just think that the point should be now because I cant kill her slowly any more. I have to stop, I have to let her go because even though my heart and love may be with her... there is still the hope in me that Audrey will come back. That is sick and distrubing to think but Audrey stole what i gave to Samie, Audrey has what Samie wants. Audrey has me and she doesnt even want me. I have to see what could become of Audrey and I this summer... I have to get Audrey back... And until than I am school, work and no play because there isnt anyone that i want besides Audrey, I am sorry Samie I am but I have to do what my heart is telling me and after reading your blogger, I think its time you give up because I am, I cant hurt you and drag it out, this will probably be one hard stab to the heart but it will be the final wound in this battle of to be or not to be.
I love you I do but I cant stand to do what I have been doing to you and even though i say that i will give up everything, which i probably would if that would really save us but it wouldnt, it would delay the heartbreak. It could only delay the truth, that we arent meant to work out now, maybe never but our paths shall aways be crossed and I shall always remember what you brought to my life. You are a full chapter or two in my book of life and maybe you shall enter in later pages but who knows with this crazy life that i live.
Anything can happen... That is something I can still believe in.

Title?

This, this is going to be a good week. Ill explain more later but I do feel good things coming.

As long as one heart is holding on, hope is never really gone.

I miss you, I thought that I can have fun with other girls and mess around, do as I please but every time I touch someone else, I feel guilty. I feel as if I am betraying you... Like you know and that is why you are not around. I know that it is stupid to miss you and want to be back with you, everyone thinks I am crazy but I am sure that I was meant for more with you. I fell in love with you, It only took a short amount of time, I believe that is crazy but I feel it in my heart, I know that I felt something. I just want to finish what we started because I think that you didnt truly want to end it. I need you to flip out on me, tell me that you dont want anything to do with me, or I want you to tell me that it wasnt the end, that it isnt over, it was just not the right time. I need to figure out if I am hoping for nothing, if every dream is wasted, if the thoughts of something more are stupid.

The Reasons Why...

There are a thousand reasons why I do what I do... I do it because I can't handle the stress any longer, I do it because I bottle everything up and than when I do finally need to just let it all out, I cry, I cry so much it hurts to even breathe after and I feel like I am finally gone...Dead but I soon jolt back to reality and i am still alive, breathing but I still feel dead. So to find out if I am gone or not, I cut. People would think one cut would show that but no not for me, I have to just keep going to get to the point where I cant breathe, I cant move, I am cold and almost ready to let go, I am on the edge. I am two seconds away from death... and in that moment I know that each cut or burn is just practice so when I finally am ready to let it all go, I will have practiced to find the perfect way to end it fast. It will be painful but I always enjoyed pain, it makes things better. I cut to feel, I cut to hold in my anger, I cut to understand who I am, I cut because I dont know who I am, I cut to learn to trust, I cut to remember, I cut to smile, I cut because people constantly tell me that I am worthless, that i am fat, ugly, a whore, I cut to rid myself of my fears, I cut to rid myself of the spit that comes at me. I cut because the pressure to do everything perfectly is to much on my shoulders, I cut because I cant be perfect, I cut because my mother sees me slipping away from the good child I used to be, she sees me falling apart and she knows that she cant do anything to help. I cut because I disappoint everyone in my life including myself, I cut because I am not good enough. I cut to get rid of my demons. I cut because its the one thing I can control. I cut because it helps me. I cut because everyone tells me that i will never make it. I cut because the voices tell me to. I cut because there isnt anything else to do. I cut because one day those cuts will be proof that I surivived for so long but just couldnt hold on any longer, I cut because my family is starting to think that I am a just like my prison bound brothers. I cut because it hids the truth. I cut because no one wants to hear your problems, so my skin can deal with the pain. I cut because I dont know who I am. I cut because nothing else is ever enough. I cut becasue it all builds up inside me every word or action I wish i did when I had the chance, every time I got walked all over because I was to afraid to do anything back, it builds up so much that I could have done something and i wouldnt get messed with but no, so I cut. I cut I cut I cut and I cut some more, I sit there and watch the blood stream out, I watch the red river sliver down my leg, the crimson dying my skin for a moment, that brings me peace, that makes me know that I can fight just one more day. I live to see another day where blood is trailing down my body. Causing myself pain is my way of telling myself that if i can crave into my own skin than one day ill have the power to stand up for myself, before my body turns limp and lifeless. That day, I will write a note just one and it will give who ever finds my cold drained body directions and if they follow them, the truth will be told, i have planned my death over and over but I always knew that I would care about more than one person, so one letter wouldnt do, I wrote letters through out my entire life, since I could write, I wrote stories of a happy princess to decieve everyone, I wrote tragic death poems at age 6, the age i knew that I wouldnt survive longer than high school graduation. I cut the first time when I was 7, my parents were screaming, I couldnt handle it, I covered my ears but I couldnt block it out, I grabbed a pair of sissors and sliced my tummy, it blocked out all of the sound, I just sat there and watch as the blood dripped out of my tummy, so peaceful and beautiful, it was like magic... It was something I was going to do often because mom and dad always fought and I could never get rid of the sound until that day, it all went quiet and I could only hear the weaping I was letting out softly. That was the start... I thought that one day it would end. At age six, I had cutting sessions, I started out with just one slice every couple of weeks, than it went to once a week, than it was every few days and it wasnt just one cut any more it was numerous ones at once, it felt better and better with each added slice. The addiction began before I turned seven. And now I cant stop, I cut when things are good, i cut when things are bad, I cut when nothing is going on. I do it out of habit now, not because I need it but because I want that moment of silence, that moment were I go deaf for a second and the entire world is just shut out. It is freedom and I fly with the birds...it seems. I cut because for me its my only relief. I cut because no one understands and these days talking just hurts, to sit in a classroom and breathe hurts, every step, every motion, every word it all just hurts me inside, it is killing me slowly and I just want to be gone fast, without the acheing and dragged out delay. I want it to be time to take the box cutter hidden in my room to both my wrist, my thighs, down my legs... across my stomach than last clear across my throat. After swolling loads of pills. So if I dont bleed out fast enough for my liking at least I will be tripping balls... than the overdose will take my life with convulsing seizures and vomit pouring from the cut in my throat... It wont be a pretty sight but it will do the job and I will have been sure to hire a cleaning company to clean the mess up three days after, so my poor mother doesnt have to scrub away her only daughters blood... I might even do this outside, so its not a big mess... I cut now so that one day I will have the strenght to kill myself.

The Games Have Begun.

First, everyone I ever talk to the first thing i tell them is I hate liars, and to not lie to me because I always find things out, I am a hacker for goodness sake. I can get all your secrets in an hour depending on where I am retieving information from. But anyway, If I date you than I have one request and that is to not lie to me ever, no matter what it is, I always want to know the truth from you because you matter. Some people dont seem to understand that. Some people still try to lie to me but dont cover it up very well at all. In fact they post shit that i am obviously not supposed to see on tumblr. You do have to realize at some point, that tumblr all I have to do is follow you and all of your secrets are unraveled. I dont understand how people are allowed to be that stupid, there has to be some common sense in people and yet I get shocked every day.
But, anyway when you lie to me over and over again to my face, expect the worse because after I find out the truth, I am quiet, I am nice, I am as fake as you are being to me. And after I get you right where i need you, thats when you are in the danger zone, you are in for the worse and I will completely shred you as a person, you will wish that you had never said the first lie you said to me, than you will be wishing that you never lied a single day in your life. I am blunt, I am dangerous, I am lethal. I can be your favorite dream or your worse nightmare. You pick what you see and if you lie, welcome to hell because everything you thought you knew is going to be turned upside down. Everything that was once so solid in your life, you will question it. I put people in their rightful place. I knock you down to size and make you think that everything you are doing is wrong. You learn what you really are and that you arent allowed to talk shit and not get hit. You learn that you cant cheat and lie without a price. You dont just get away with things... if you are dealing with me.
I have let to many people walk all over me and ruin me but not ever again, I am strong and I can hold on.
My past was weak, I didnt know that I could be stronger than anyone else, I thought my place was to just sit back and let anything happen, I can be hurt, i deserve to be hurt but no, I dont, I deserve more than a just a lowlife liar and cheater. I deserve way better than a lot of things that I date but my mind is now only on Audrey, winning her back will give me the world and well I want the world back. I want that feeling she gives me back.
But anyway again, this is war, the battle has begun and I shall be the victor because they cant lie their way out of the evidence. Plus, I am out for blood... Its a rap. Play with it. Rotate.
Buhahahaha. My devious mind is cooking up the best plans. :)

-Breaking Suffocation... (who is going slightly crazy.)

Breaking down but not giving up.

No one seems to understand that I do not like Taylor for more than one reason. Everyone assumes that it is because she always steals my friends or who I am trying to get into something with but in reality they are wrong that is just a thing in the past. I have realized that if they went to her and left me in the dust than it is their loss, I can do better and it wasnt meant to be in the first place... She takes away the waste of time for me. I have less work to do and still find out that they werent my friend for me or didnt like me more than a friend. She makes finding true people really easy, I like that. I dont like her because she has gone behind my back and talked shit but than used me as a cover so she could see Brittney and didnt tell me that I was supposed to be with her. I dont like her because she lies to get her way, she manipulates, she uses and does what ever it takes to get her way. I know that I do a lot to get my way but I never throw people completely under the bus to make my life better. She aggravates me because she doesnt see how easy she has, she may have to deal with family being ridiculous but who doesnt. She could be doing so much more but she doesnt see it at all. I hate that she doesnt get that she has a way to college of her dreams where ever it may be. I hate that she didnt learn that her parents will take everything away when she disobeys them, she just keeps doing what she got in trouble with because she thinks that if her parent realize she will just keep doing it then they will stop with the punishment. I hate that she thinks she can live on her own but never really will have to. I hate that she takes everything for granted. I hate that she turned on my sister, I know that sounds stupid, but she broke down my sister and I picked up as many pieces as I could but I knew all she wanted was her best friend there mending her wounds. I had to watch my little sister grow up alone because I wasnt close enough to her, I had to watch her eyes turn cold about friendships. She lost her sense of trust weither she says it or now, I see it, I feel it, I hear it in her voice. She is still sad about it, she has moved on but I dont doubt that there are times when all she wants to do is talk to her best friend and her best friend left her, abandoned her and than blamed her for the friendship falling apart. Taylor wanted time with Brittney, Paige respected that but Paige didnt respect every once of taylor going into Brittney who was sucking the taylor she knew away.  I dont like taylor because when she was needed most all she did was care about herself and seeing the one who she loves even though she tells everyone that she wants nothing to do with the girl anymore. She still strings the girl on though telling her that she loves her and wants things to work out but the only reason why she says these lies to Brittney is because she doesnt want to be alone, she has no where else to turn besides Baliegh and Baliegh doesnt like anything gay, what a best friend that is. Taylor is scared that after Brittney is gone, every one else is too... She will have no where to go and she will be alone... Taylor may not say this out loud but she is thinking it because every self centered person needs someone there to reassure them that they are beautiful and wonderful and amazing etc.
Taylor has to learn to love herself single without the constant one person being there, she has to accept who she is and if she doesnt like who she is, she can reinvent herself. Tomorrow is a new beginning.

No one understand what taylor is or has done. No one takes the time to look at her and see past the manipulation. But if you did, you would see the monster she is inside...

-Breaking Suffocation.

This Feeling of Failure Isn't Disappearing...

I cant help but feel every thing, every little thing, the simple things that people dont think will have any effect have the biggest effect. I see the beauty in the world that others dont. I feel things ten times the way other people feel.
And right now, I am feeling this never ending reminder of failure, every where I turn someone asks how SCTI is or I see the school while driving or the students that attended there and here walk the halls in the uniform that i once wore so well, and I want to scream so loud, I want to snap on everyone who asks about my progress in the program. I just want to scream I FAILED, I COULD NOT DO IT. I WASNT GOOD ENOUGH. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Why cant i let go?

You are always on my mind. From when I wake up to when I fall asleep. You visit me in my dreams and I just can't shake that I actually feel in love with you. I'm not giving up on you, I can't. Everyone tells me to never stop fighting for what you love and I wont stop fighting til I have no fight left in me at all. You are what I want and I'm not sure how because you continue to break my heart yet I stick around because I keep hoping that one day you will stick around too. You have my heart, you stole it and haven't given it back... I don't want it back I want you to have it but I also want to have your heart. I'm slowly starting to believe ill never have your heart again though. I love you.

-breaking suffocation. 

Stop assuming you know how I feel.

 You think that you know exactly what I feel towards you all the time, and if you did you would realize I am helplessly in love with you. You would see that I want you back, I want us to be together. But today I had to tell you that I couldnt stick around, I cant watch you be with someone else, or want to be with someone else. I cant help you through all of your problems with that person. I cant just sit around and make this idea in my head that maybe if i help you enough you will see that I am the one who actually loves you and only wants the best for you. I cant hope that one day you will finally see that I have loved you from the very first day. I cant even write this right now because you just left for six months and now there isnt even a chance for me to just pass you in the mall randomly or see you at all. I just need to see you sometimes because it brings back everything that has ever happened. I am so sick of losing in this damn game that you play with me. I just want to finally win and i cant ever. baby, i miss you but i will never have you again and that makes me just want to scream.  I know that you left to figure everything out and focus on you but I just want you back in my arms. I want lay in bed with you and watch cheesy movies and hold you tight when we watch scary movies and fuck you right when we stop watching the movie. I want to just to want me back but I cant do anything about it ever. I have to give up all of these feelings that I have stored away for you. I have to throw away all the memories because I cant keep living in a fantasy world where one day we will be together. It wont happen. It cant because you always break my heart.

I love you Taylor. I do. I would drop the world for you, i would give everything up for just one more chance with you. I dont know why i suddenly am feeling this so strong. but I am and I have to learn to live with the fact that I cant talk or see you for six months, this is my choice but I hate it. I want to talk to you every day. I want to skype and see you. Okay I cant write anymore about this, its tearing me apart.

Im suffocating with all these emotions inside me.


I wish i could actually be
-Breaking suffocation.

I am not okay, but I will be fine.

So, I know that I was going to be writing on here all the time and that I promised on break that I would write but I just got caught up in unimportant bullshit and didnt realize that I had forgotten where I came from. But going to Philly even though i didnt figure it out right away, it only took a huge physical fight with my brother to make me realize that family use to mean everything to me, my roots use to be the world to me, Philly is my home, its where my family is, its where I belong regardless of what every one says. I love my family and they have always been the first thing in my life and I pushed them to the side and didnt even notice that I had abandoned the only people that will stick by me no matter what, they are attached to me til the end. they have no choice, I have no choice but thats okay because I wouldnt trade one for all the riches in the world, it would never be the same. 

 I am glad that I went up to Philly and had my head straightened out, family is first everyone else is second, no one can change that. I love my family. They are me... They are why I am the way I am. 

I want to write more but I dont have much time, I think that tonight, I will try and get back on and write about what is going on in my love life that is very fucking complicated and all I want to do is just scream and find new friends and new people... 

Audrey is still on my mind... I am not sure why, I am not sure i am even okay with this. :/ 

-Breaking Suffocation.