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Saturday, March 31, 2012

That feeling

That feeling of knowing that you are hungry, knowing that you should just eat but that feeling of hunger that pain of your stomach just that feeling of it moving trying to come up with something to eat, it pushing and turning give me this feeling of satisfaction. Satisfaction that I control it. Satisfaction that its going to be okay cause at least I am in full control of what gets chewed thirty two times and goes down my throat into my stomach where its surrounded by acids and fluids that eat it that make it turn into nothing. This feeling of hunger is like a high to me but it makes me antisocial tired bitchy emotional for a while I hate that but one day with out eating at the end of the day going to bed hunger makes me feel so much better the mean goes away and I can sleep so much better. Not eating the pain of not eating feels so good. It gives me this complete feeling. This spectacular feeling of being alive.
I hate know that I should eat and people want me to eat. I hate that but if only they could feel it the way I do. They would never want to eat.
Buh I hate that when I don't eat I get grumpy and tired. That's the only thing I hate about it. That and society doesn't approve but oh well I will always rebel against the Capitol. 

- breaking suffocation.

Friday, March 30, 2012

No words.

A ring on my finger... , two years and meghan told me she would never marry anyone not even me. Taylor, she said that she would one day but a ring went on Erikas finger. Three weeks and you have that thought, that makes me cry.
A ring a ring on my finger.... mine.. no silly that i dont even I just sdgihsd;oig wdhg f;uasdhg ;
sdhghsdgi hsghjksdb gasfig kjsdg
sdgjskhdguihs gusdng
sd gasdg jhsa;ughsdg
sd g'hsadg;kjasd ng;asdihg
sdg asdghuisadhg iosdg
asgasghasdgoihsadgjasd
g adsghuahsdg h'asdg



No words.

No words but you know that I wouldnt ever say no to you, I can barely say no to you causing trouble.
This rest of my life with you would be a movie worth watching when my life flashes before me on my death bed.

-Breaking suffocation.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

AHH, Mother Fucker.

Blogger's new look bullshit, is pissing me off.  I do not like it, not one bit. Ahh, why are things changing, blogger was simple and plain, easy and lovely. Now its fucking stupid. Cunt sucking dick blocking penis wrinkle vagina whore bitch skank hoes change blogger back. Please. and Thanks yous.

-Breaking suffocation.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Phillies: Baseball Season. Check.

Baseball season is here, the time where I strive, the time where I watch endless amounts of games. The time where all I do is eat sleep and breathe baseball. A time where, yes a smile is upon my face and wont be erased til the last game of the year. Yesterday, it was one of the last spring training games and the Phillies were on their game. The plays, the hits, the fans it was Phillies nation in SRQ. I was at home on the field, I was just in the game, I was in my happy place. I was in this place where everything was right, and no one not even ignornant pricks could ruin my mood. The smell of the game, the feel of the sun, the sound of the bat hitting the ball it all electrifys me. Every thing about baseball makes my spine have chills, my bones stand stronger, my mind be clearer. Ah baseball and the effects it has on me, I love it. I love every inch, all the sweat, the smell, the sounds, the food, the drinks, the look, just everything. It all makes me strive and just ah. I cant even put into words how amazing it feels to just be in the stands of the game.

-Breaking suffocation.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Everything is going to be okay.

In the car...

To the hospital I go,
I'm on my way right now.
to find out what will come of me
To understand what was found.
I'm going there with my head held up high and no fear in my dark brown eyes because I know that whatever the doctor tells me, I have you by my side.
I wish I got to hold you hand when he tells me what is wrong but that can't happen, not right now.
I know you want to be here, I know you would if you could.
But half of me says its best you wont be there, because if things are bad and only going to get worse, I want to cry before I try to tell you that I can't avoid the sickness that will soon consume me.
I know that no matter what we will make it through, I just don't want this to take a toll on you like it has done to me for so many years. I am not scared about what will happen to me, in scared about what this could do to you.

-breaking suffocation.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Things to blog about tonight.

In this blog: The Phillies game and how it all makes me feel.
Six feet under: The thoughts that I had growing up the ones that made me smile like a princess, the thoughts that made me think that one day, I would be taken away to my castle.
Every Breathe: How I want to make you feel, the things I want to tell you.

A lot to type up tonight!!!

I have six minutes...

Six minutes to tell you, how I am going to fall apart without my best friend. How I am tired of crying over him. How it feels like I have lost my other half, the double to my trouble. It kills every part of me knowing that I hurt him the way I did, but all I wanted to do was die and he wouldnt let me. He wouldnt let me have a minute alone, all I wanted was a minute alone so I could break down and cry. All he wanted was to save me from the destruction I was causing. I know that he meant well but at that moment, he was the enemy and the pills were my best friend. The pills were all that I wanted, I wanted my endless sleep. If he wasnt there, I wouldnt be here to type this blog, I wouldnt be here, I would be six feet under, I would be gone, I would be dead. He saved my life, even though I told him that I hated him and that I didnt care about him, I hit him, I threw shit at him, I just wanted him to prove that I was right, that he didnt care, but he did care, he was there for me. He made me hold on. He made me see what I was doing, killing myself was wrong that it was the easiest way to make me feel nothing and everyone else feel pain, just pure pain. He knew that if I took my own life that I would regret the feelings, I would have caused everyone else. Even if he doesnt know it, He saved my life, he has always saved my life. From the day, I called him my best friend he has continuely saved my life, saved me from myself. He was my everything, he still is my everything, I still worry about him everyday, I still have to know that he is okay. I do not deserve to have him back in my life, because like always I fucked up, I did. I know this, I know that I crossed a line that I never wanted to. I never wanted him to be the enemy. I never wanted to make him enemy number one, because enemy number one is the monster inside me. He was my best friend, he was my little brother, he was family, he was one of very few reasons for still breathing, without him I feel like I will not be able to just live, part of my died when he left, when he walked away. It doesnt feel like just part of me though, its like all of me died and now I am just struggling to put myself back together, the puzzle pieces that make up who I am, some are lost, some are ripped apart, some are wet from the tears that Ive cried, most just pulled apart from the others. He was the glue that held me together most of the time. He was the one person I litterally told every little thing to no matter what. I miss him yes, do I deserve him in my life, no. Do I wish I could take stuff back yes, Can I take things back, no. So its time to stop sobbing and being sad, pick myself back up and move on, people come in and out of your life, your life is a revolving door, people walk in and right back out.
Its time to be a big girl and move on.

-Breaking Suffication.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I have this feeling that I'm not going to make it home at all. I have this bad feeling about driving tonight, like something bad is going to happen. Its this gut feeling that wont go away.

Being sick sickens me.

<p>I feel like shit and all I want to do to is blog and just be in this ball of sickness.&nbsp; I just want to type all of my feelings away, so they can't haunt my mind anymore. I'm to fucked up to even be in a relationship because I can't make the girl I'm with happy. She feels like she has to keep holding me up she feels like she isn't good enough, and I don't understand why she is better than good enough. Its me that isn't good enough. Its me with the problems. More on this later.

-breaking suffocation.

Expect the worst.

Be prepared for the worst. Be prepared for self hatred. Be prepared for not being good enough.  Be prepared for a rant on how I don't feel good enough,  how I can't let her be my rock because she is already holding so many up. Be prepared for me falling apart but not letting it show expect on here. Just be prepared because it can't be avoided.

-breaking suffocation.

Perfection

My Girlfriend and I !!!! She is perfect in every single way.





Saturday, March 17, 2012

Fate, soul mates and fairy tales.

Things that I've always thought were just in the movies or just in the books that I read, are slowly coming true in really life. I feel like it was fate that has made the good and the bad happen. That it ha all been leading up to meeting Emily and finally having that feeling pure happiness, that feeling that this relationship could actually last for a while. That want to be a better person, that need to be around them. It all feels like this fairy tale that won't ever end. I know that all things come to an end but sometimes in books and movies couples stay together for really long amounts of time. I think it may even happen in reality too. All I know right now is she gives me this feeling this fight to stay around and just let things be. She gives me the want to stay alive for more than just Paige. She is giving me a reason to breathe. She is taking all the pain away. She is making my life well my social life better . Making things just blissfully amazing. She is just amazing, she is this perfection that lights up my world. She isn't just the light in my day she is the light at the end of the tunnel. She is the apple to my pie. The pop to my tart. The water to my melon. Lol hehe. She is so many things and I can't even begin to describe how she pus the stars in my sky. She puts the smile on my face. She puts the blade down. She puts all the bad into this far far away land where it is to never be seen again. She makes me actually happy and that is a very hard thing to do. I'm falling into thi fairy tale in my reality, hoping that I don't wake up to a nightmare where this is all to good to be true. But in my heart and in my head I do believe that this is just right and it's exactly how things are supposed to be. Fate brought us together in fighting but soon realized dating and caring and this feeling of safety was so much better.

The world works in mysterious ways.


-breaking suffocation.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Buh

Buh is the only word I can come up with that explains how I feel right now. Buhhh Buh buhhh buh Buh.

Being with you

<p>Being with you saves me. <br>
It saves my soul.<br>
It saves my heart.&nbsp; <br>
Knowing that you will stay even if the pee stick says positive makes me feel so safe and secure. <br>
You being around makes me feel as if its all going to be okay.<br>
You promised you'd never leave, and in my heart and my mind, I know you're forever mine and I'm forever yours.
This is all so crazy, this is all so weird.
I haven't felt this happy since the day I met Meghan. Meghan sucked all of the happiness out of me. But Emily feeds it right back into me.
knowing that she defends me and stands by me even when I'm breaking down and losing control, makes me just want to be normal, not have a thousand and one issues. She saves every part of me. She just puts this smile on my face that never wants to disappear,  it fights the depression, it scares the depression right out of me. She makes me want to have sober fun, like I don't have to be high off of something or be drunk to have fun. We can sit around and do nothing at all and it still is the best time in the world.  I don't want this to go away because this is how I am supposed to feel, happy. Good. Great. Pretty. Loved. She changes everything. Every single thing I thought I knew, she's changed.
more on this subject later. Tehe.
#winning.

-breaking suffocating. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Repeat.

Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust
Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust  Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust
Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust  Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust
Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust Trust trust trust trust trust  let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go let go

Just live.

-breaking suffocation.

Expiration date .

It's not a thing that can be changed. It wont be no matter how happy I am. I will always believe that the world will be better off without me. Nothing can change that. I'm not good enough. I never will be. Even if I am, I still wont be able to believe it. I am sorry. It's just a fact. 

Just push

Hahah. That title could mean so much. Just push a baby from your vagina. Just push your fears away. Just push yourself down stairs. Just push yourself away from everyone because you have them get attached to you because June 2cnd is your expiration date. Just push.  Just keep pushing.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Feeling

Like shit. Paige Buh. Buh. Buhhhh buhhhh. She's gonna end up walking away. Buhhhh

Yeah... fuck up

It always happen every time. Its always something. I can't just be content with actual happiness. I have to get more and when Tj is around getting high is easy and fun cause than I can tell him anything without getting a lecture. So its all okay. But Buh. I fucked up. All day every day. Doubting worring. Wondering.  Buh Buh.

Letting go of fears

The fear to be happy is so much lesser than what she is starting to mean to me. Every look she gives me makes me have chills. With every touch my heart stops for moments. Every minute spent with her is this happiness that is really indescribable. I have no need or want to give up, walk away or slowly disappear.  She makes me want to stay and be in this ball of happiness. At times it feels like it is all to good to be true. She makes me smile with just her presence.  I wont push her away like I do to all of my happiness. I'm giving in, letting joy take over because with her I wouldn't have it any other way. I've never felt this happy for so many days since sixth grade on the retreat. I don't care what anyone else says, I don't care what anyone else tthinks, this happened so fast and so weirdly but its okay, I don't care that we had issues in the past, I don't care that when we first met she wanted to beat the ffuck out of me and I was not going to let that happen, my mindset was send her to the hospital.  But none of that matters because we are both happy with each other. At least I think she is happy, she says she is so I believe tthat. I wont let happiness just pass me by like I have always done.

-breaking suffocation.

Buh

Even more insecure right now

A mind set like a depressed pyscho.

I should have every reason to be happy right now and just in this blissful ball of happiness but my mind just continues to worry about little things that don't matter at all because nothing has really changed about us at all. I feel happy. I want to bbe happy. I want to be normal but my normal is freaking out about things that I obviously didn't do wrong but I still feel like I'm not good enough or that I don't do anything right. That I can't make her happy which is all I want. My mind is so fucked up its beyond repair I can't even being to understand why I still look for ways to not be happy. She makes me ridiculously happy. She sits there and is trying so hard to keep a smile on my face but as soon as she isn't by my side I break down I start to doubt myself not her. She is never the problem its me and my mission to never be happy. I can't explain it but its true nno matter what I do I'm always looking for a way to end up six feet under. But with her I drive safer I look both ways.... I look for ways to survive again. and that means walls lots of them have crumbled. They are gone. To be honest only one is left and that wall is all my inner thoughts, everything that pops into my head. I'm getting attached to her and that's all posion to my mind. I want her. I only want her. I want that long relationship with tons of cute dates and photos and blog post that are sp cute they make you want to puke.  But as the title says my mind is set like a depressed psycho... Buh. Can I turn my mind off and just let my heart and body take over. Can I stop over thinking????

-breaking suffocation. 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

hopeless.

I feel so worthless, she is trying so hard to keep me happy and make me smile. I love it, someone caring but I am just so lost.. I cant even write what I am feeling. All I know is we went from disliking each other and this awkward situation when we had to be in the same place, to being in the same place, same car same everything; holding hands, kissing and being this cute thing. And I can't help but put my guard up because I don't know where this came from. We werent friends, we werent anything. BUhhhhhhhhh Fuck my life. I am so confused.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Senior Year Spring Break Starts Now!!!!

I would just like to inform my blog that I am on Spring Break Offically!!! Bring on the sun, sand and water. Laughter, bon fires and just some really great times.
I can't wait to blog about all the good times, the crazy adventures, the memories that will probably haunt me, the people that will always be part of me. I have to make this a spring break to remember. I have to make this one count. Ill fall in love, go crazy, drink and not remember, dance on table tops, Just let go and live because this is my last chance to make something fun happen in my high school experience. Some thing I can tell my kids not to do on spring break. I want to make the memory of this one last the rest of my life, I want to look back and remember the great times I had with pretty amazing people.

Let the party begin. lol jk I have to work tonight. and all weekend, MONDAY the party will begin, actually sunday night at work because we are hosting a glow party and I get to work it. YAY!!!
Its on. I hate to say this, I really do but you only live once, I might as well make it a hell of a ride.

-Breaking Suffocation. (trying to, so hard.)

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Broken, Scared and Alone.

Sunday night my girlfriend broke up with me... She said that I was to much to handle, which I dont disagree with but it hurt, I was crying at work and this man this 50 year old man that I work with was like I will be your friend and blah blah blah, to cut the story short because I dont want to really remember all of it, him and another co worker, a 26 year old male took me to some bars and got me drunk... I may have been flirting but it was the alchol talking, I didnt know what I was doing, I am 17, I shouldnt have been drinking, they shouldnt have let me, they shouldnt have let happen what was bound to happen next. They took advantage of me, I am pretty sure they stole my wallet, they raped me, they made me lose my innocennce. I dont ever want to feel like that again, like I was used and abused and just left to fend for myself, I cant even being to decribe the pain it is to look in the mirror and see me there, I feel like I should just been gone, erased, removed from the face of the earth. It hurts to breathe, I fall asleep crying, I wake in the night from the nightmare of that night. I flinch at the touch of another human being, I am an alien on this planet right now, I am alone, broken and scared out of my mind. I just want to be alone by myself, where I cant be hurt and I cant hurt anyone else.
Than I went into surgery....
That was a calm two days.
Than I got home, and I crashed my car... I cut my arms, I lost control. I cant hold on and be strong anymore, Its not worth it anymore, my friends arent there for me, they have other friends and they arent as fucked up as I am. I am just one big fuck up, who can't do anything right.
I am the girl who falls for the wrong person, whos timing is always off. The girl with the smile on her face even though her world is clearly crashing down. I am the girl who wants to trust but cant do it too easily. I am the girl who is always left to fend for herself. I am the girl who acts confident but in reality is just over compensating for the fact that I think I am fat and ugly and a complete mess, no one could ever like me let alone fall in love with me. I am the girl with the hidden scars, except for today, today I am not hiding my addiction, today I am letting it show for all the world to see. I wont be put down today, I am worth something right now... And Brittany is getting the full effect of the cockiness I have today, I am surprised she hasnt thrown a shoe at me yet.

I am lost and I just want to be found.

-Breaking Suffocation. (trying to break suffocation.)

Friday, March 2, 2012

When the world around you is crahing down, move out of the way.

Every single day is a new adventure, every day is a new start. You make your own future, you write your own story but sometimes outside situations make that world that you created come crashing down. I literally have worked so hard to make this picture perfect image that people will be proud of. I am graduating high school a year early, I work two jobs and manage to have a social life as well, along with spending time with family. I can maintain a relationship and still have my own time as well. I can do a lot but its all going to crash eventually, thats how life works, you build up a world of magic and someone makes it tradgic. I cant help but have this sinking feeling that not everything is going to work out how I want it too. I have worked so hard for so long to hold it all together, I have busted my ass to pull of things everyone didnt think that I could do. I have made everything look perfect, even though I am crashing and falling apart inside. I have scared out of my mind that building this fantasy world is going to just be one of those things that slowly disappear and than everyone sees who I am really am and all of my dark secrets. I have done everything to hid my past, I have done everything to keep people out of the dark; it has to stay that way. But when do things ever stay the way you want them too.
I am falling apart and when I finally do just break beyond repair... my perfect world that everyone sees is going to collapse and i wont be here to hold it all together, it will just crumple and than my life will be tanted with regret and loss and lies. I am not sure when this will happen but it will, it always does.
I cant even write this anymore, I am being torn apart but I have to stand strong because my girlfriend needs me right now. buh.

My life, I can't handle it.

-Breaking Suffocation.