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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Striving To Be Perfect... Or is it Starving To Be Perfect...

On monday, I got sick... It's made me not want to eat and now I have this empty pinching feeling in my stomach, like it needs food, it wants it but I know that it can not have it because, I strive for perfection and my body is anything but perfection. It's time to change who I am from the outside in... well maybe from the inside out... Idk but a big change is coming, I can feel it. School is starting to mean more, Work means a lot, I want to be the best girlfriend there could ever be.I hate when I get the sudden urge to change, a lot goes on in my head, a lot of thoughts that shouldnt ever enter a 17 year old girls head, thoughts that could put a grown man or a really butch lesbian to tears. Thoughts that make me want to abandon the world. This change could be dangerous, this change will be different than all the rest, I know it will, I can feel it. I feel motivation, determination pulsing through my veins. I feel the strength to be better building up. I feel it all. This will be good for a little while, but when I cant hit perfection again... I shall implode and hell will break lose in my mind... and on my skin. 


Why do I strive for perfection? Why do I strain myself for perfection? Why do I want perfection and control more than anything in this world? 


-Breaking Suffocation. :/  (should have been posted on Wednesday the 15th, ) 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

One Year.

One year of ups and downs, crazy  adventures. Laughing, crying, yelling, the silent treatment and so much more. I have been through so much with one person in the past year, litterally  one year exactly today. She means the world to me but things never work out how you think they are. I wish that we didnt end in the bad way that we did, but shit happens and you have to learn to move on or else the past is going to eat you alive. I know that the past year may have seemed like a waste, like it was all just leading up to this horrible ending but it wasnt a waste, it was an experiece of a lifetime, I got to spend so much time with one of the most amazing girls I know. We grow together but in the end grow apart. I know that people change and we move on but at least I still get to keep the memories, they will never change. They will be there in my head forever. Samie consumed a few chapters in my book of life and now that our story is over, its not just a new chapter its a new part to the book. Samie gave me so much life back and I can never thank her enough for that. She is someone I will alway remember. I will tell my kids the story of us just because I can and I want them to know that its okay  for relationships to not work out even if you think it wont, but it will also teach them to never treat the girl or guy that you love like I did. I was terrible to samie, but she knew what she was getting into . I cant, no I wont sit her and bash her, I dont want to and I wont sit here and say  that this was her fault or mine. It wasnt any ones fault. Things were just not meant to be. Life is moving fast, I have to keep up. I will always remember Samie, I couldnt ever forget, but I know that I can not hold on to the past, for it will never change, its written in ink and even if I burn the pages, it still happened and nothing is going to change. So here is to a new year, a new start and times to just remember that you have to live for today not yesterday or tomorrow.
I've learned a lot in the past year and it is because of her. I can not thnak her enough for what she has done for me and the year that she gave me,I know that I took it for granted at times but I cant change that so I just have to live on.


-Breaking Suffication. and Starting a new life.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

When you risk everything, be prepared for the fall.

Every day we live a life, filled with millions of things going on around us but most only notice what directly effects us. Many people dont take notice to things that happen every day, we jump to see the abnormal things but the constants in our life, we know they will always be there. We can enjoy them another day but what happens when those constants disappear and all you have to nothing. What do you do when your entire world gets flipped upside down, everything that you thought you knew was never really there and the people that were in your life are now gone, you are in a completely new enviornment with no one fimilar around. Birds still flutter by, the sun still shines, the moon comes up at night, cars still drive, street lights still change, dogs bark, cats meow and it all seems normal but none of it is, you are some where new, this is your own world. The birds arent the same type, the sun isnt as hot, the moon shines brighter, the stars are bigger, brighter, better, cars are floating, lights change the direction you drive instead of stopping you, cats and dogs are slightly different. It's an entire new world and you created it all on a peice of paper. You brought an entire world to life through your finger tips. You built people, you built everything, you control it all. Every little thing, the people relie on you to keep their stories going. You have the power to keep someone alive or to destroy them were they stand. Its all a masterpiece and it is all yours. Its your own writing written down, a story for everyone to read. That is the greatest form of control you can have, not only do you control your characters, you control the readers emotions, make them shake, get angry, cry, throw the book, be sad for days, be happy for days, its all at your fingertips all you have to do is write, poor out a plot, theme, some characters and bam you have begun writing a book, a novel, my dream. My greatest dream is completely in my hands to write a novel and be published so hundreds of people can read my thoughts, my imagination, my work the one thing that i have always taken pride in. I just have to be motivated to do it, but I am so young, I have no training, I couldnt get a book published. I can try though, I have to try. I have to risk it all to fall hard because maybe at the end of this leap there will be piles of books that I have written and they will be the next best sellers. I have to dream big and when you dream big, you risk it all.

I honestly have no idea why I wrote this, I was just typing, not paying an attention really and this is what I ended up with. Its good, I have to admit. I like when I pour my heart out like that. I like when I realize that I have to do something about my writing because I could be way better than what I am but I dont practice enough.. I dont take enough time to really write and put everything I have into it. I need to take more time to spend writing and reading. I have to spend time on the things that I love. They will keep me alive and sane.

-Breaking Suffocation.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Never have I...

There is a girl, she has been in my life for almost a year, with her things are different we tried dating but it doesnt work, that just leads me to believe that two people can be meant to fall in love but never be together. She literally could get me to do anything in this world, I would give up everything to be with her but I cant do that for someone again, I did that once and it turned out as me hating them and never wanting to speak to them again. I dont want that for this girl, I want her in my life forever, but the thing is, I have dated and had my fun, she just sits there waiting for me to finally be done and ready to settle down. I will never be ready to settle down, not any time soon at all.. In fact it was never a thing i wanted ever, I dont want marriage it just runs everything, it brings out hate inside you that you didnt know was even there. I love this girl, I really do and the last thing i want to do is hurt her, she is my world but i think she should move on because I am just a waste. I am never going to commit to one person, I am going to party and be wild. I have no want to stop and just be with one person. I want to give the world to her and letting her go she would have a lot more of the world than hanging on to something that may never happen because even though i love her, I will never give up who I am, I will never want to stop the random making out with random people. She literally makes me feel like the most terrible person whenever I date anyone or talk or do anything with anyone that isnt her, she makes the guilt hit ten times harder than it should. I cant live to please her if I dont want to and right now even though she is perfect and I want to be with her one day maybe if it were to work out, I still think that she should move on, do her own thing, because thats what i am doing... I am trying to figure out why if two people love each other why cant they be together, oh yeah thats right because that would be a fairytale movie and those dont actually happen in real life. I have to give up on the hope that may still be there because what if it is just false hope and she is holding on to nothing. It is killing her inside, and i cant be the reason her spirits die, I have to let her fly away, I have to stop hoping that one day this will all just fall into place because chances are they wont, they never will. They cant this is reality not a movie or some stupid storybook. We have to stop trying to make it work, we have to stop fighting at some point, I just think that the point should be now because I cant kill her slowly any more. I have to stop, I have to let her go because even though my heart and love may be with her... there is still the hope in me that Audrey will come back. That is sick and distrubing to think but Audrey stole what i gave to Samie, Audrey has what Samie wants. Audrey has me and she doesnt even want me. I have to see what could become of Audrey and I this summer... I have to get Audrey back... And until than I am school, work and no play because there isnt anyone that i want besides Audrey, I am sorry Samie I am but I have to do what my heart is telling me and after reading your blogger, I think its time you give up because I am, I cant hurt you and drag it out, this will probably be one hard stab to the heart but it will be the final wound in this battle of to be or not to be.
I love you I do but I cant stand to do what I have been doing to you and even though i say that i will give up everything, which i probably would if that would really save us but it wouldnt, it would delay the heartbreak. It could only delay the truth, that we arent meant to work out now, maybe never but our paths shall aways be crossed and I shall always remember what you brought to my life. You are a full chapter or two in my book of life and maybe you shall enter in later pages but who knows with this crazy life that i live.
Anything can happen... That is something I can still believe in.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Title?

This, this is going to be a good week. Ill explain more later but I do feel good things coming.